Cheating!!!

You've only married a week? Oh hell

No we have been together 20 YEARS

RUN LIKE THE HOUSE ON FIRE!

I personally don't think you have trust issues...he's cheated on you before and is now communicating with another girl inappropriately. Snooping is well deserved. Confront him. Call his ass out.

You chose to marry a man who cheated on you. This is what you have to look forward to your entire marriage.

And she doesn't have to respect the fact that he's married. Your husband does.

Wow. Premarital counseling should've been at the top of your list when you two became engaged. You have trust issues and he has infidelity problems and these would've been best addressed BEFORE you decided to spend the rest of your lives together.

That being said, find a counselor and drag him there for couples counseling and personal counseling. You do not want to let this fester and eventually ruin your marriage.

I kinda think he knows that I snooped because he has changed his password so I can't get into his account anymore. I just wanna know what's going on but like I said I know he will get all defensive about it and blame me for snooping

FH and I are younger, only 24yrs old, but we went to different schools so we have different friends. I still talk to a few guys I went to school with- do I hide it from FH? Absolutely not. Does he mind that I talk to other guys, who at times are single? Hell no. Because they're friends, there's nothing romantic or sexual about it. The way I talk to them is no different than the way I talk to my women friends. "Hey, how are you? What's new? How have you been?"

I feel like the real issue here is that he cheated once and you can not get past it. Which is understandable. If FH cheated on me, even before we were engaged/married, I'd have to move on with my life because I'm just the type of person that wouldn't be able to get past it and I wouldn't want to live my life worried if he's cheating or lying about anything. I think you really need to sit back and think if this is what you want to be dealing with. If it is, then I feel like the only way to move forward is to be upfront with your husband and let him know what you saw on his phone and go to counseling to talk it out and try to move on.

Don't take this out on the girl. She's not the one who married you.

ETA: Nip it in the bud and confront him.

So he changed his password to keep you from snooping? This seems like yet another red flag that something is very wrong. Talk to him, don't let him blame you for all of this, if he had nothing to hide it wouldn't be an issue at all. Then get therapy. It does wonders

@Op so you tried to snoop AGAIN?!?

You have some serious trust issues. You got some great advice from @Nikki.

I wouldn't have taken him back, and I wouldn't have married him. He clearly had/has no respect for your relationship which is now a marriage.

Not allowing him to have any friends that are women is CRAZY in my opinion. You aren't the only woman he's allowed to talk to for the rest of his life. Almost any man would resent a woman that tried to control his friendships.

That being said... you have trust issues and it doesn't appear he can be trusted.

I think you have two choices:

1. Leave him because he's a cheater

2. Stay with him and choose to overlook that he's a cheater

That's really it. He's not going to change. You can either accept it, or leave.

Wait, 20 years? How old are you if you got engaged when you were 18 and have been married for a week? Again... still confused.

Anyway, he changed his password - this means that A: You tried to snoop again and B: He's definitely not wanting you to read/see what he's doing. I'm all for respecting each other's privacy but hiding stuff is a totally different ball game.

I would leave him, personally. Never would have married his unfaithful ass. Him being nice and girls falling for him easily is no excuse, dear. He sounds shitty.

We've been together since I was 18 (20 years ago) we have been engaged since December of 15 and got married on our 20th anniversary

Ohhhh, I gotcha!

But still, I stick with my previous statement.

Couples counseling worked well for me and my guy.. but there is no such thing as a homewrecker because they can't come in if they aren't welcomed...Sorry your going through this. Hope it all works out in your favor.

I suggest counseling and talking to him. Admit what you did, say you are sorry for it, let him say what he has to say to that, then talk to him about what you saw. Then tell him that you want to go to counseling not ONLY because of but because of you. Because there are things that you thought you were past but weren't and it is causing you to do things that can hurt your relationship and that is not what you want.

Whether or not he keeps talking to this girl is irrelevant. Women exist in the world. Regardless of whether he cuts this one out, he will meet lots of other women over the course of his life. And it is absolutely impossible that he will never experience an emotional liking or physical attraction to some of them.

You cannot blindfold him, stuff his ears with cotton and lead him around by the hand so he is never tempted. You need to be able to trust him to manage that temptation without cheating. And if you can't, then you need to see a counselor (individual as well as couples) or you need to reconsider this marriage.

You've been married for 12 days, and this is what you're dealing with? None of these unresolved issues presented themselves last month? Okay, here's what I see -- and remember, you solicited public opinion.

1. " He has cheated on me in the past but mistakes happen so I forgave him and we worked on our relationship." Mistakes do happen -- they happen in algebra, calculus, and for those of us not gifted with a high level of mathematical acumen, they happen when balancing the checkbook. Mistakes happen when you miss that first exit after crossing the George Washington Bridge and up on Route 80 instead of the Palisades Parkway. Mistakes happen when you read 1/4 teaspoon as 1/4 tablespoon and ruin your recipe.

Mistakes do not happen when you willingly, knowingly, and with indifference to an already established exclusive relationship, find yourself lighting up an after-sex cigarette (does anyone do that anymore?) with someone who will be the impetus for your big life lie, your secret rendezvous locations, and your utter disrespect for the person who is home, waiting for you. There's a huge difference, so it's important to make a distinction. Cheating is not a mistake. Cheating is lying...and lying is no mistake. It's about the most deliberate thing a human being can do.

2. "He is an amazing person with a super friendly personality so girls fall for him fast." Oh, is that why these "mistakes" happen (that appears to be your conclusion)? He's such an astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, remarkable, and incredible (i.e., "amazing") individual, that the girls just fall for him -- without even knowing the details of just how amazing he is? Yes, that's the problem. He's been blessed with just too much wonderment, so lets blame the girls who are falling for him, not the super friendly cheater who leads them on in all kinds of innocent looking ways. Do you know how men turn off the girls who are falling for them? They send ice water in their direction, not their super friendly personalities. So, it sounds like it's only a little bit his fault, and as usual, the women go at each other instead of pointing to the problem who disrespected both of them.

3. "So after we posted on facebook that we were married I was a very bad girl and signed into his messenger account from his old phone and saw that a girl from his past (not one he cheated with) had been messaging him." Wait, "we" posted on FB, or "you" posted on FB? And why did you make that message public, given the fact that there was a girl with whom he had been chatting who had already been an issue for you? Was she on his friend's list? Anyway, instead of just enjoying the congratulations, you were a "very bad girl"? That's a very childish way for a 38 year old woman to describe herself and her behavior, and for some reason, it makes me uncomfortable. You're not a very bad girl -- in fact, you sound sophisticated enough to have thought of using his old phone to get into his messaging history (why? Were expecting to find something there?). That wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years, but then again, I can look at anything that belongs to my husband, and vice versa. I've never take advantage of that freedom.

4. "if I tell him I snooped he will say that Im digging for ways to ruin us." Maybe you are -- have you considered that? After the wedding, many brides begin to focus on life as opposed to the wedding. If you tell him that you snooped, you will be telling him the truth. Isn't that the place to start, especially since, as an adult, you're being eaten up with a desire to contact this woman and tell her, in a "not so nice way" (you have, at least in this thread, a tendency to sanitize your words to minimize their impact) to stop talking to your man? You want to go off on her, so why not just say that?

After 20 years, you decided you wanted to be his wife. It's difficult for me to believe that all of this paranoia has suddenly erupted 12 days after your wedding. I think you got caught up in the idea of wedding planning and the wedding itself. It happens every day. However, weddings are only temporary distractions when there's something disquieting lingering right below the surface. Marrying someone when the couple shares a history of infidelity is not for everyone. It takes incredible work and commitment, from both parties -- the faithful and the unfaithful -- to get over this kind of deep offense.

My advice is to stop sanitizing his behavior and your behavior. If you want this to work, and there's no guarantee you will ever be able to trust him, then the two of you need to get very clear with each other, and that requires honesty. I'm not a believer in the idea that counseling is always the answer, but, in this case, if it doesn't work for the both of you, it will certainly help you to explore and finally understand why you married a man for whom you had this much distrust -- and you do.

I'd tell him the truth, and then I'd give him the date and time of your first session.

ETA: I know this sounds harsh, but it's nothing like the harshness that will envelope your entire life if you do not get to the bottom of these feelings...immediately. He's already changed his password, and that was obviously in response to what you did. Dishonesty abounds in this game you're both playing -- you know what he did, he knows what you did, but you haven't talked about it. Life is just too short for this.

I would confront him, even if you were snooping