Cheating!!!

Be prepared for everyone on here to jump on you for snooping. However, you asked for advice and here's what I would say. Simply bring up to him that you had a not so great feeling in your gut about something going on. If he denies talking to anyone or anything like that, you know that he just lied about messaging this girl from the past. Then you can call him out and tell him you know. That's the best advice I have.

Get both of you to couples counseling. It is extremely inappropriate of you to snoop in his messages.

I do not think mistakes like that happen. I have always been a firm believer that once a cheater always a cheater. If your family will dislike him then that should tell you what anyone else would do as well. If you are okay will looking through his messages then it should say that you don't seem to trust him(for what seems like a good reason!). I guess counseling would be the only option to go if you want to try to stay together

If you're going through his private stuff, you have trust issues. If you want to make it work you need to go to counseling and re-establish trust. Good luck.

I don't think that trying to get him to admit it is the best way to go about it. If you bait him into saying something and he lies about it, it's just going to make things worse. I think you need to sit him down, apologize for signing into his account but tell him that what you saw was not appropriate and talk to him about it. And I strongly suggest couples counseling as well.

Oh Hon.

You shouldn't snoop but...

I dunno. Grasping for the words.

Counseling, agreed.

I also agree counseling would be beneficial to both of you. You should be able to trust him, and he should be able to be honest and open with you.

I worry that you quickly excuse this behavior with "girls fall for him fast."

Holy fuck stick.

1.) how old are you that you've been together for 20 years- you look extremely young in this picture.

2.) it doesn't matter how fucking charming someone is or isn't- it's on THEM to lay out boundaries- you can't control other people- so you cannot what other women or men do in terms of advances- that's on your husband if he isn't setting down the boundaries with this random women.

3.) you snooped- this is on you.

4.) why is a message = cheating?

5.) you're family is right for disliking him- sorry. I have little respect or faith in cheaters. This was unfortunately part in parcel of the package you signed into when you chose to stay with a man who was unfaithful to you.

Everything Nikki said

A hammer will always see nails... if you feel the need to snoop you need to address the underlying trust issues

Why do you feel that he shouldn't be talking to this girl? You said he hasn't cheated with her, but is there any other reason you'd feel that she would be trying to hit on him or be inappropriate? Is she his ex girlfriend?

It sounds like you snooped and found no evidence of cheating, just talking platonically to a woman, right? If that's the case, breathe a sign of relief. You looked for evidence of cheating and there was none. IMO, one positive that can come from this is that you should be able to trust him more.

I also disagree with others who are being harsh with you and implying that you are the one with issues because you snooped. Of course you don't trust your partner, he cheated on you. It's totally normal to have major trust issues and do things like snoop in those circumstances. But what you need to do is decide whether you can trust him again (without snooping and saying he can't have contact with other women) or not. If you are unable to rebuild trust, the relationship is already done.

WTF why did you marry him if you still have trust issues?

You go digging for dirt, your gonna get dirty. Why your with a cheater is beyond me. Agreed with counseling. But from expierience, once a cheater Always a cheater

I don't think cheating is one of those, 'mistakes happen,' scenarios but moving on. You two need couples counseling. You obviously don't trust him since you're going through his phone. Do NOT message the girl. That will solve nothing and could only escalate things. At this point, you need to sit down with him, confess you went through his phone, and discuss what you found. From there, you suggest couples counseling and possibly individual counseling for yourself to help deal with your (understandable) trust issues.

We started dating when I was 18 and he I know I was wrong on the snooping part. When your in a relationship and this is how I was raised its not ok to have male/female relationships UNLESS they are friends with both of you. The fact that he Hides the fact that they they have talked ( she was messaging him on linkin and now on facebook) is the part that is bothering me. He knows how I feel about him being friends with single girls.

1. counseling for yourself AND couples counseling

2. I also don't think you should message the girl, because its up to your husband to draw that line, which seems like he doesn't do well

3. Don't trick him, just be upfront. You had a bad feeling (or lack of trust in general), you snooped, and you found something that unsettled you. Own up to it and talk to him.

4. Don't let this fester, get help sooner than later.

Is it just her messaging or is he messaging her back? What kind of conversation is it?

So he can't be friends with single woman?

Please get into counseling pronto!

Counseling!!!!!

This may be an UO but I don't think there should be any problem with your FS looking at any accounts you have. I have an open and honest relationship, could I look at his email/phone msgs? Sure but I don't feel the need to. He plays on my phone at times when his is charging and can access anything. I don't even blink about it (unless its near Christmas and then he has to stay out of my email).

It sounds like you need counseling-both individual and couples. If he is implying that your snooping is what is ruining the relationship when he is being dishonest and facilitating other inappropriate relationships on the side then you need a third party mediator. I also don't agree with the sentiment that mistakes happen= cheating. Cheating is a decision he made not a mistake.