Cheating!!!

"Pam & Joe"

sheesh - even your WW account is shared?

God, I hope not.

** Did not read comments.** Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. He is a broken man who continues to make this choice. He chooses his dick and ego kibbles over you, and until he figures out wtf is wrong with him, it will never change. Forget couples counseling. You both need individual counceling, him: to figure out why he's broken, you: to deal with the fallout instead of rug-sweeping (which will just get you more of the same). Couples counseling comes later. Survivinginfidelity.com

You trusted your gut that something felt off. You were right. You can bring it up, but don't be surprised if he lies. That would be red flag number 2. You need to be prepared to do some serious talking about everything.

"He is an amazing person with a super friendly personality so girls fall for him fast" Seems to me you're deliberately acquitting your husband of any responsibility and choosing to blame other girls for his past misdeeds and even setting up a justification for him to cheat on you in the future because "girls fall for him fast."

The only advice I can give you is to realize that your husband cheated and it was his fault. And this girl isn't "messaging him" she's talking to him because he's talking BACK TO HER.

Counseling!

"Mistakes" are things like forgetting to put out the garbage can on pick up day.

Your dick doesn't fall into someone's vagina by accident. Not ok. If FH didn't respect you as a committed girlfriend, what made you think marriage would "fix" that?

Me and my FH have had this policy ever since we were dating, that snooping doesn't mean you don't trust the other. You both should be an open book. And don't let this little girl get in the middle of your marriage. Talk to your hubby let him know what you did and why you did it. Honesty and trust is key. An daybed couple therapy wouldn't hurt.

This girl is not the problem, honestly. Your husband is. You chose to marry someone who cheated. Why, if you can't feel secure in your relationship?

And to echo everyone else, cheating is not a mistake. When he cheated he thought "I have someone already, but I want this more than I respect her". That's a conscious decision.

You need to talk to him and get into counseling. Not the best way to start off a marriage. Is this the first time you've snooped after he cheated?

@Jennifer, you are right - couples ESPECIALLY married couples, should be an open book. But there is a big difference between snooping behind someone's back and openly sharing things. If FH asked to see any of my accounts/messages/texts whatever, he absolutely could do that with no problem. If he wanted my passwords, fine. But if I found out he was looking without my knowledge? That would be completely different. THAT is a trust issue and would mean that instead of coming to me and being honest about concerns he felt like he had to go behind my back to "catch" me doing something wrong. That's not okay.

And to the OP - this is not the other woman's fault for messaging your husband. This is not about her - this is about him, especially since he has cheated before. You do not need to tell her to "back off". You need to tell your husband to keep his pants on. That's all.

Ohhh I have questions:

1. Did he tell you or did he get caught when he cheated?

2. How did you work through the situation? Was it swept under the rug? Did he promise you access to his phone/email? Did you go to counseling?

3. Was he remorseful? What did he do to prove to you that he was worth marrying?

4. Why did you marry him if you did not 100% trust him?

5. Does he believe that his transgression is behind him and that you fully trust him (because you married him)?

6. You say he would react negatively to you snooping through his things. Do you snoop often? Does he get upset when you discuss his privacy?

7. What did the messages actually say between him and this new woman?

8. Why do you feel it is ok to control who he talks to (single women)? Do you find this behavior controlling and healthy for your relationship? Do you often feel the need to control your relationship? You said you wanted to message the other woman and tell her to stay away. Why do you think she would listen to you? You have no control over her actions and she is aware that he is married. Would you threaten her with violence to stay away from your husband?

Just trying to gather as much background information as possible. I will repeat what others have said counseling for yourself and for your relationship.

@ Elphaba I never ever said I was gonna message her and pretend to be him.

Don't message the girl. She hasn't done anything wrong. I'm imagining if one of my guy friend's SO messaged me and told me to stay away. I would think she was completely nuts.

Don't get me wrong, your husband is totally wrong for the cheating in the past. But until you update with the actual convos or their overall tone, I'm not going to say he's done anything wrong in this instance. He messaged a girl but that's not cheating unless it's flirty or somehow emotionally charged. People are going to interact with others of the opposite sex. If it really is a casual conversation then I would seek coupling counseling to try to rebuild trust. If he is flirting in these convos then you have to be upfront and tell him you had a bad feeling and checked his messages and have an honest conversation. Then it's still couples counseling in the end.

Counseling for all the issues mentioned, and then seek your own counseling. You're married a week and frankly, for you to have trust issues so fast, I wonder what reason, or thing he did to give you to look at his personal account? Were you seeking to catch him in the act?

I'm sorry he has cheated on you in the past. Being that you are now married, trusting each other is a big component of a stable marriage. If you are having issues with trusting your H seek out some couples therapy or at the very least talk it out with your H. You're obviously dealing with some hurt feelings from the past or at least trying to avoid them from occurring in the present. Best way to trust someone is to fully address what makes you not trust them in the first place. If that cannot be resolved and there is no trust, things can fall apart.

Wishing you and your H the best.

Ok her first message was how she missed talking to him and because they used to work together and how good he looks The next one was some weird Radom words ( like he deleted a lot) now his phone is always on silent. I have talked to him before about how I felt things where getting out of hand with her so he stopped talking to her. She also knows how I feel about them talking. I know he's the one I should have the issues with but I have issues with her for not respecting the fact that he is married

Sounds like he's the one not respecting your marriage.

I always have such a hard time when I read these types of posts. I feel like I'm reading a MySpace post from when I was in middle school.

Did you consider the fact that you clearly don't trust him before you got married? You should never tell your husband that you are uncomfortable with him being friends with all single girls, that is mind boggling to me. However, it sounds like your husband is the shady one here. If you don't tell him that you logged into his account it's probably going to weigh on your mind forever so you might as well get that over with.

Also, have you only been married a week? If so, are you saying you were together 20 weeks? I'm so confused.

ETA: words