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Savvy May 2010

Change out of bridemaid's dress after dinner?

MOH23, on May 22, 2016 at 6:11 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 63
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I am the MOH in an upcoming wedding. I tried on the dress today (just received) and it is just awful! Not in the typical way that all bridesmaids dresses are awful (that I wouldn't care about and was expecting that). It's awful in the way that it shows everything! It's a dress that is made of satin jersey so it shows every little bump. I am thin so it's not a weight thing. The big issue is really my big boobs. This is one of those dresses that is supposed to be able to be worn in many different ways but none of the ways allow me to wear a bra of any kind. It is backless and very low cut. The material is extremely thin and my nipples are on full display, no matter how I have tried to wrap it. The best way would be strapless but with the way the dress is made, my large breasts, and the material it just didn't stay and I would be fussing with it the whole time. Other ways show major cleavage or major sideboob. None of which are appropriate for a wedding IMO, or anywhere outside my bedroom

63 Comments

Latest activity by MOH23, on May 23, 2016 at 8:19 PM
  • M
    Savvy May 2010
    MOH23 ·
    • Flag

    Continued.... On top of that it is flesh colored so I truly look naked in this dress. I never tried this dress on before or had any input, I was just told which dress ($300) to buy and what color. Which honestly I don't care, (well I care about the $300 but whatever). I really would wear a paper bag for my friend for just a day, so long as all my bits and pieces are properly covered. I was asked to be MOH only 4 months before the wedding (as was the whole wedding party) so there really was no time to fuss over any of it. Unfortunately the wedding is a mere 2 weeks away. I just found out I could have ordered a matching bandeau to go under my dress. This would have helped with the problem but it could have only be ordered at the time the dress was ordered (this was never told to me) and would not get here in time even if I ordered it today. I'm trying to find a plunge backless halter bodysuit to wear under that will work but it's proving challenging. I'm sure I will find something but it has to be seamless which is another challenge. I'm expecting my husband and I will be on boob and nipple watch most of the evening. I expect my solution will include tape and a bodysuit (If I can find one), but anything that is going to work will also probably have a chance of spilling my breasts out of this dress. Not only do I not want to worry about this all night but I really don't want my boobs to be the focal point of anything! Which will be hard to avoid if they come flying out of my dress. My question is if it is wrong for me to change out of the dress after photos, speeches and dinner? I will make it work, I'm not trying to get out of wearing the dress but it is not a dress I wish to dance in and I definitely feel very uncomfortable staying in it all night. The wedding starts in the early afternoon and there is an after party starting late at night, which I will also be attending, This means I'll be wearing this wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen for over 12 hours, if I don't change. Greatly increasing my chances of flashing someone. I tried breast petals, silicone nipple covers and other "typical solutions". All of them show through rippled, made for some weird bumps, and some made it just look like I had very large puffy nipples, which was worse. I'm hoping to maybe get an extra liner sewn in but that still is not much of a fix for the sideboob or cleavage, both of which are pretty unavoidable at this point. The issue really lies with this material, which is not forgiving and clearly can't be changed at this point. I wear a size 30 F bra (hard to find) , so backless, stick on bras and strapless bras don't tend to come in my size and rarely work for me. I normally would just go braless so long as my nipples wouldn't show but this is not the case with this dress. I'm not trying to be difficult but when I mentioned it to the bride she seemed to not be too thrilled about me changing. I get it, it's her wedding and she is the important one. I have no problem with that and in no way do I want to make her day stressful or try to upstage her. Whenever I attend weddings I wear dresses appropriate for the dress code in a black or neutral color appropriate for the season. In no way am I one of those "upstage the bride" types. I like to look nice but blend in with the other guests. I've been married myself and I had my own bridesmaid nightmares and issues, and would never put anyone through that. Especially someone I care about enough to be their MOH. I told her I would find a solution and I will. But is it wrong for me to want to change once I'm done with the dinner, speeches and photos? If I was a guest only I would wear a different dress so I don't see the harm and I really wouldn't even be asking if it was just the matter of an ugly dress. I can deal with wearing an ugly dress for a day, I'm just not wanting to be the wedding flasher. Advice?

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  • Miss.MtoMrs..K
    Master October 2016
    Miss.MtoMrs..K ·
    • Flag

    I'm not sure what proper etiquette would be for this so I hope the ladies have some advice for you. Honestly if I were you I would speak to the bride and tell her how you feel and why you would want to change. I personally would not want my girls to change but I want them happy so if they are that uncomfortable and worried about a dress I'd probably say ok fine but that's me...

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  • JoRocka
    Master September 2016
    JoRocka ·
    • Flag

    I think you need to speak with your friend about even wearing it at all, if it's that bad she's going to have that standing in her pictures. Bottom that it's a huge thing bit no one wants nips full out. I bet once she sees you in it you might be able to come up with an alternative dress.

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  • Katelyn
    Expert September 2016
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag

    I think you are being totally reasonable. Once you have done everything that she wants to get pictures for, there is no reason why you can't be in a dress that u feel more comfortable in to dance. Otherwise, you will probably be uncomfortable and not even dance. I think she should understand and it's not that big of a deal.

    • Reply
  • Private User
    Expert September 2016
    Private User ·
    • Flag

    Has she seen you in the dress? Normally I would say wearing the dress is the only thing a bridesmaid has to do, but since she did such a terrible job at finding something you're comfortable in, I would hope a friend close enough to ask you to be her MOH would know after seeing you in this dress why it's making you so uncomfortable.

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  • KDS
    Super July 2016
    KDS ·
    • Flag

    A $300 nude convertible dress?? That's crazy.

    Have you brought the dress into a seamstress? They might be able to put in a few stitches to secure the dress in the style you want. It may even be possible for them to make a bandeau. Might not be the same fabric, but coverage is better than nips. I would do this sooner rather than later.

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  • Sue
    Savvy October 2017
    Sue ·
    • Flag

    You could have cups sewn into the dress. That may help some.

    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy May 2010
    MOH23 ·
    • Flag

    Thanks for all your replies. No she hasn't seen me in the dress yet. I sent her a text asking her if she was aware of how see through it was. She said she tried it on and it wasn't see through on her. So all I can think is that she either A. tried it on in a different color or material B. the lighting when she tried it on was not the daylight lighting I tried it on in or C. Since she's a B cup and I'm an F the shape and size difference in our breasts is what made all the difference. The bottom is see through as well but it's long so boy shorts or even a seamless thong might work. I can deal with that. To be fair to her I haven't really properly discussed it with her. She's a good friend and I know she doesn't want me to run around looking naked. I was just worried about bringing it up again if it's rude to do so (I've read mixed responses to this type of question). I sent her a text and she did offer solutions (all of which I tried and already hadn't worked) she even offered to buy me an undergarment to help so she's certainly not a jerk. I just think she had yet to see me in it so she didn't realize her solutions weren't going to work. I then responded that it was fine that I would figure it out and I'll just change after photos (which I really meant after speeches and dinner). She responded that I couldn't because the reception wouldn't have started yet and she's right! I just worded it poorly. At that point I could tell she was stressing about the whole thing so I told her not to worry about it and that we would discuss it when I go with her for her final fittings this week. I told her I would bring the dress to show her and we'll figure it out. I lost my mind for a minute really. We are close so normally I just shoot her a quick text about something the minute it comes up. I forgot for a split second that with two weeks until your wedding every little new thing that comes up seems like the biggest issue ever! It's really not but I remember my own wedding and what a crazy stressful time it was so once I realized my error in saying what I said over text I dropped it. I just wasn't sure if I should bring it back up at all. I personally wouldn't have minded if my bridesmaids wanted to change after speeches etc. but I'm pretty laid back about that stuff. So I'm having trouble navigating this because the last thing I want to do is add to any of her "last minute" stress but it's a pretty big problem.

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  • M
    Savvy May 2010
    MOH23 ·
    • Flag

    @KDS LOL! I know, right?! I've literally seen the same dress for $80 but since they label it a "bridesmaid" dress it triples the price. It actually looks like a nightgown if I'm being honest. You know how convertible dresses are they never look like the photos and are impossible to wrap in the way the examples show. Plus of course the dress shop used some bs line about how all the dresses needed to be bought at the sane time so they could be cut from the same bolt of fabric and match! I seriously doubt anyone would notice if my nude dress was a touch different than any of the others, but whatever. I've thought about the cup thing but it will show through the material in a really strange way. The material is like bathing suit or bra material so really every seam shows. I've actually thought of going and trying to find material similar and just cutting out triangles that I tape underneath my breasts with fabric medical tape and secure at the top part of my breast, which might work since it won't pucker on the flatter skin.

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  • soontobeberling
    Expert June 2016
    soontobeberling ·
    • Flag

    You can also get those nip covers so your nips don't poke through

    • Reply
  • 2016beachwedding
    VIP October 2016
    2016beachwedding ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't wear it, sorry but there is a line with wearing what the bride wants and feeling embarrassed

    • Reply
  • Maegan
    Dedicated March 2017
    Maegan ·
    • Flag

    I agree with pp. Take that nudie nightie to a seamstress!! They might have some sewn in solution for you (plus are usually very knowledgeable about undergarment options). But for encouragement, you are not being unreasonable. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • NativeBride
    Super October 2016
    NativeBride ·
    • Flag

    Oh my goodness. Hopefully she sees it this week and changes her mind on it.

    • Reply
  • Jeleebeenz
    VIP September 2015
    Jeleebeenz ·
    • Flag

    Well my first observation is that you both care about each other.

    1. To all future brides - the dye lot and same bolt of fabric is a huge bullshit line unless you are having your dresses made of incredibly fine silk. Dye lots are done by computer these days and you do not not not need to buy dresses at the same time, same place. One of my girls had her dresses ordered from 3 different stores in 3 different states - and because dye lots are a bullshit line (unless we are talking uber expensive fine silk) all 3 of those dresses matched to a tee. don't fall for that line.

    2. Put the dress on and send her a picture. If you are going to look borderline naked she should know that ahead of time. Her pictures are going to show that. Yes, she is busy and frazzled but if your MOH was going to look naked at your wedding wouldn't you want to know ahead of time?

    3. Future brides - do NOT choose these convertible dresses! They are wrapped and tied by designers when you see them in pictures and people in salons have at least done it a few times. The material always sucks and your bridal party isn't going to look like the pictures you fell in love with. They have never wrapped those dresses before. My niece chose them for her girls thinking they would be a great choice for the different body types for her girls. They weren't - showed every tiny body flaw imaginable.

    4. Try to fine a good seamstress right now and see if she can help you solve some of these problems. I agree with KDS - coverage is better than nips.

    5. To answer your original question - YES, as soon as dinner and your toast is over you can change. You don't need her permission and you don't need to talk to her about it. Once those are over, formal pictures are done and everything else is just a candid shot.

    6. - to future brides - DO NOT choose a dress 4 months before your wedding!!!!!

    You sound like a great friend OP and it sounds like you treasure the bride and you feel she treasures your friendship too. Good luck on this! I hope you come back and tell us how this all got solved. It just might help another bride or MOH!!

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    I'd have a discussion with her too; you're probably not the only person who feels this way. And honestly, BM's should be a compliment, not a distraction (in a TMI kinda way...).

    • Reply
  • colombiana_ac
    Expert August 2016
    colombiana_ac ·
    • Flag

    Yeah I wouldn't want my girl uncomfortable.

    I'd say take it to the final fitting and after she's done, try on the dress for her and the seamstress. I'm sure once she sees you in it, she'll get it plus the seamstress might either help find a solution or help explain why there is no solution.

    If you end up changing or not wearing the dress at all, try finding a dress in a similar color that way you still match the rest of the BP.

    • Reply
  • Natalie
    Master May 2015
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    I have one of the convertible dresses and love it. Granted I made mine with a different fabric that is more forgiving. Try searching on YouTube for tutorials on how to tie convertible dresses. There are lots of different ways to tie them with more coverage, so you can actually wear a real bra or so that you have multiple layers of fabric over your boobs to provide more coverage. There is certainly trial and error with convertible dresses and I usually get a little frustrated trying to tie it, but they look great once you get it. I love mine and have worn it dozens of times, the best part is I can wear it wrapped different ways and it doesn't look like I'm always wearing the same dress.

    • Reply
  • OMW
    Master August 2013
    OMW ·
    • Flag

    I'd have a frank conversation with her. Bring the dress, put it on, and see what she says.

    If she disagrees and says something like "It looks fine to me" and completely disregards your feelings, then I think you have every right to change out of the dress after the pictures. A good friend would understand.

    Please post a pic of this dress. Now I'm curious as to what it looks like.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.D
    Master July 2016
    Mrs.D ·
    • Flag

    And maybe because you're the MOH you could wear a different dress? If the seamstress can't help. Have you tried taping yourself? Google that.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.D
    Master July 2016
    Mrs.D ·
    • Flag

    I'd love to see this dress too. I'm curious

    • Reply

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