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HappyGirl
Dedicated December 2016

Catholic marrying a non catholic?

HappyGirl, on September 18, 2014 at 11:53 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 32

What should a non catholic expect when marrying a catholic in a Catholic Church? I hear their are classes, quiz / survey that they will be required to take? What should one expect?

32 Comments

Latest activity by MarriedOldHag, on September 25, 2014 at 12:08 AM
  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    It all depends on the parish and priest. Most parishes have a couple complete the FOCCUS inventory. You and your fiancé fill it out separately. It's a bunch of questions regarding your relationship - how you plan to handle finances, what role faith will play on your marriage, what kind of relationship do you have with future in-laws, etc. They compile your answers and the priest / deacon will discuss it with you. Those answers guide what discussions need to be had. There is a chance that you will be required to go on an Engagement Encounter retreat or take an NFP class.

    The big thing is that the Catholic party promises to raise the children Catholic, and the non-Carholic spouse promises not to interfere with that.

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  • Mallory Abroad
    Master October 2014
    Mallory Abroad ·
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    It actually depends on if they are baptised Christian of another denomination or not (if not you are breaking the cult and extra permission is required)

    It does depend on the parish, but once the bishop has given permission it is basically the same as others - sometimes a questionare, sometimes a weekend retreat others do a few night lessons with other couples or by themselves.

    The big bit is promising to raise the children Catholic.

    But the first bit is the permission and that depends what sort of non-catholic you are talking about

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  • Deanna
    Savvy June 2014
    Deanna ·
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    My husband is not baptized into any church. So when we got married we skipped the Eucharist part of the ceremony and had to promise to raise the children catholic. We also had to take pre-Cana.

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  • Nancy Taussig
    Nancy Taussig ·
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    If you're talking about your 12/26 wedding, you need to be speaking with the priest NOW.

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  • Koch Bride
    Master September 2014
    Koch Bride ·
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    You definitely need to be talking to the priest ASAP. My brother and SIL had to do a few extra classes on top of preCana.

    They really had no issues otherwise until they had their first child this year. In order to have him baptized, their parish required my brother to fully become a Catholic. It was about an 8 month process to do that.

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  • Kristine
    Super October 2014
    Kristine ·
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    You need to speak with a priest, NOW - Depending on how conservative the parish you might have an issue with your date as it's during the Christmas season - You may not be permitted to have a full Nuptial Mass (that's the one with communion attached) because he's not Catholic, but again that depends on how conservative your parish is.

    After THAT is settled - yes you'll have to have individual meetings with the priest, think of them like couple's therapy, with a lot of questions asking if you were already married in The Church and if you're related. Afterwards, you'll take pre-Cana classes, which go over couples issues like finances, conflict resolution, commitment, as well as the Catholic stuff like cohabitation and intamacy, children and the likes. If you are in a conservative parish you might have to take a course called God's Plan for a Joy Filled Marriage. That's the Family Planning, the Catholic Way and yes, it's awful. But once it's done and you zone out, you're done. When you get your completion certificates, you give them to the priest marrying you and you have a meeting planning out the Mass/blessing (readings, whose reading them, who is witnessing) You get married and you choose from there how you proceed with your faith and his.

    Long story short, You NEED to talk to your priest. My parish is conservative and raised their eyes a little at FH and I living together, but the priest marrying us is from a religious order that is VERY (bold, italics, underline) liberal so his thoughts were "you want to get married, GREAT!! Oh, your uncle has a committed partner of twenty years, can I come to their wedding??"

    Edit - I forgot the Scan-Tron. FOCUS sounds awful, but it helped us discuss the topics we didn't want to bring up, and Fr. Awesome did a "Work it out! Kiss after you work it out and tell each other I love you"

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  • HappyGirl
    Dedicated December 2016
    HappyGirl ·
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    I think the Catholic church likely has an issue with couples not wanting children. Could be wrong though.

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  • Kristine
    Super October 2014
    Kristine ·
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    This is going to be blunt, and might not go over well... You don't have to spill your heart and soul out to a priest. There are COUNTLESS couples that have got married in a Catholic church, who don't want children and the priest has no issue with it, it's a completely different story if you go in there and show them the contents of your medicine cabinet.

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  • Angie
    VIP August 2015
    Angie ·
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    Expect a LONG ceremony!

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  • rynney1979
    VIP September 2014
    rynney1979 ·
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    Agree with the others - you need to speak with your parish/priest NOW. I'm Catholic, FH is not, but he is baptized. We took a Pre-Cana class, 1 day. It was actually very good. Several couples in different stages of their marriages gave a talk about what they've faced & how they get through it. FH thought it was a good thing. We also met with our priest, twice. There's the FOCUS inventory (ours was just a 2-sided piece of paper we each filled out) but he really didn't ask any questions from it but it was good to get us to think about real issues. He also collected all of our info - baptism dates, parent information, etc for the church file. Not a big deal, maybe 3 hours total.

    The big thing is to choose if you want the full mass with the wedding ceremony or just the nuptial ceremony. Think 45 min vs. 75 min. We chose the "lite version" bc we didn't want to exclude over half of the attendees.

    I wouldn't bring up the no kids unless directly asked. You can not want kids and still be catholic - that's part of what you & FH are supposed to discuss & work out. It's not the priest's decision to make. Kristine hit it on the head.

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  • Cricket Catering
    Cricket Catering ·
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    I agree with Kristine. You don't have to tell them that you don't want children. I would think of it as not knowing what the future holds for you in that respect. Any future children would be raised Catholic. You aren't agreeing to have children just to raise them Catholic IF you do.

    I do agree that you need to speak to the priest now. My father is not Catholic. Back then, appeals were sent to Rome. It took time. I wanted to change churches here. I had to get the priest from the church I wanted to leave to let me go. Then I had to get the priest from the church I wanted to attend to agree to take me. Then we had to meet with the Vicar for the Archdiocese to get him to approve. It took some time.

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  • HappyGirl
    Dedicated December 2016
    HappyGirl ·
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    I was under the impression catholic priests are anti- birth control. Family planning only. Quite frankly, I don't think a priest should even ask.

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  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    Yeah, if you are planning on a wedding on Dec 26, 2014 and you haven't met with the priest / deacon yet, you need to get on that pronto.

    I am Catholic. I teach RCIA and Confirmation at my church. I got married in the Catholic Church.

    There IS an issue with a couple entering into marriage and not wanting children. Before you exchange your vows, you will be asked the following:

    N. and N., have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

    Will you love and honor each other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?

    Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the Law of Love and Compassion?

    Here is a good resource. http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0155.html

    Here is a form that my husband & I had to complete separately before we were able to marry. We are in Galveston-Houston, but I imagine it would be similar for the diocese of Austin.

    http://www.archgh.org/default/marriage-forms/form%20v%20Revised%20GH%20Prenuptial%20-%20English.pdf

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  • Cricket Catering
    Cricket Catering ·
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    The church doesn't agree with family planning. In the case of 2 Catholics, they aren't going to ask about raising the kids Catholic. They might give a speech about not preventing the birth of good Catholic children but many of them don't even go there. Your situation is going to have them asking about raising the kids Catholic. You can say, Father if we are lucky enough to have kids, they will be raised Catholic. You could say Father, I am not able to have children. You don't have to tell him that you can't have kids because you used BC.

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  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    @HappyGirl - the Catholic Church believes that using artificial contraception is a moral sin. As a non-Catholic, you are not bound to that. BUT, you should not be leading your husband to sin in your marriage.

    If you take the FOCCUS, there are questions about family planning. The level of discussion that your priest / deacon has with you regarding that may vary.

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  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    I would STRONGLY discourage you from lying / withholding information from a priest / deacon. Is that really how you want to start your marriage!?!?? By lying to someone else so that you can be married in their church?!??!

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  • Cricket Catering
    Cricket Catering ·
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    I don't advocate lying. I do think that there are things any church shouldn't be involved in. My bedroom is one of those.

    You will need to talk to your priest so you know first and foremost that he will marry the two of you. Once you know they agree to do it, then you need to find out what the requirements are. Your sin is between you and God.

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  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    You are advocating withholding information, which is akin to lying. And I'm not sure if you know much about the Catholic Church, but we do not believe that a sin is between man & God. In Catholic theology, there is no such thing as a private sin.

    And there are strong Church teachings regarding sex and marriage.

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  • Cricket Catering
    Cricket Catering ·
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    I won't speak to my Mother about BC if she asks. I certainly don't need to tell the priest.

    Having been a Catholic for my entire life, I know what their teachings say. I also have lived in enough places to know that every Catholic church is different. Some priests are are going to raise holy hell with her. Others are going to be so hopeful that her FH will be so enlightened that they might have very little to do in order to get married. One of the last churches I belonged to when I moved, was so happy to have us, that they didn't ask us any questions at all. They baptized my daughter with no question. I have seen ceremonies done outside. I have also seen marriages get annulled because the family donates where others can't get annulled because they can't pay. There are a lot of things that happen in the Catholic church that shouldn't but do. You can live in a world of strict dogma, but not everyone does. Not every woman wants to leave conception to the wind. Not every family can afford to push out 7 kids. Not every priest believes that they should.

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  • MarriedOldHag
    Expert February 2013
    MarriedOldHag ·
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    There should be no questions when it comes to a baptism.

    And I agree that things will vary from priest to priest. We did our marriage prep with a deacon who knows me very well. He also knows that I am a strong advocate for Natural Family Planning, so the discussion regarding family planning was quite brief.

    Couples don't need to have 7 kids. Of the families that I know who are Catholic and practice NFP, very few have surprise children. When used properly, NFP is actually just as effective at spacing pregnancies than the Pill or condom. It is hardly leaving conception to the wind.

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