Can I really get married without anyone knowing?

Don do this. It is so wrong and rude to your guessts. Marriages are public record so yes they can fin out. Either plan a small wedding for when he comes home, do the courthouse,or wait and plan a bigger wedding later. You don't get two weddings. If you do the courthouse now your options are to have a delayed reception or plan an anniversary party or vow renewal 1 or more years after. Do not have a fake ceremony.

If you do the courthouse route that is you real wedding. Anything else would be a fake wedding or do over. You have to decide what's more important- marrying now for the benefits and not getting the traditional wedding or waiting a bit and having the traditional wedding you've thought about. You don't ge both

In Fla., you can get the license at any Fla. county courthouse & get married anywhere in the state. I've had couples who got their licenses in a different county than where they live, so it would not be in their local newspapers.

I didn't marry one couple who would have had to lie to the bride's grandfather who was supposed to marry them a couple of months later.

Thanks everybody! I think that we are going to wait till next year. I think it will be better, and we will have time to plan everything.

This doesn't really apply to OP's situation and it sounds like you made a decision. I just wanted to add that I just overheard my MIL talking about her upcoming wedding plans (recently engaged). She told her FH they could have the "legal - paperwork ceremony" (her words) where they live and have the "spiritual ceremony" where his elderly father lives. I thinks a lot more common than people think (and she's obviously not keeping her tentative plans a secret). I personally think people CAN have both, as I've seen it often here at WW and in person. In real life, I mostly see it when people get married in a different country and have a JOP wedding before or after. I'm not aware of anyone keeping it a secret though. And no, a lot of people don't call it a vow renewal and I think that's fine (just be honest about it and call it whatever makes you happy). A public/social/spiritual, etc ceremony is not "fake" IMO.

OP pretty much has her ? answered, but I agree with the Rev & others. I've seen a lot of folks diss 'fake' weddings, yet I was raised that if we were not married in Church, we're not married - despite a govt issued certificate. In order areas I've lived the certificate didn't matter as much as the wedding (certificate is proof of being legally bound; wedding is your commitment to one another). I have a friend that will be getting married legally, but they will have a wedding in the Church a year later. Ceremony and everything. They will be celebrating their anniversay as the day their marriage was officiated within the Church.

I just don't understand what is so wrong with having the legal certificate then going and have the whole shebang if you so choose - whether people know or not. I think some are just ridiculously offendable and have their heads too far up their own behinds about some stuff....

K, rant done.

I dont think lying is ever the best route. I get why you wanna do it, but Id come straight out and tell people and then call it a vow renewal or something like that.

But going as far as signing a fake paper in front of people? That just sounds sneaky and Id be pissed a "friend" or family went out of their way to deceive me

You should let those closest to you know (i.e. parents, siblings, grandparents). Family is a lot more understanding in these times about going simple, then having a bigger celebration later. IDK about the AF, but in the army you only get separation pay if the spouse deploys, not from living in different states. Deployment isn't seen at a choice, the other kinda is (even if it isn't). Do the JOP if you really have to, but don't keep it a secret.

My FH and I are doing this as well for insurance/financial reasons.. I don't think there is a problem with it. We will be having a renewal on our original chosen wedding date..

Personally, I would not lie to people. I have a couple who married 6 months before their actual wedding date they set for insurance/tax reasons. They kept it a secret and told people after the "real" wedding. Personally, I wasn't upset but some peopel will be. Their families also knew. People spend a lot of time and money on weddings, and to find out that there was a big lie at the center of it might piss off some people. Definitely dont lie to your parents or get a fake license to sign at the wedding. I can say in PA, you dont even sign anything on the day of anymore, nor need witness signatures. And i have never heard of people publishing marriage announcements you didnt file- that is weird and no one's business. But as others are saying, its public record, so people can find out if they are suspicious...

It's not necessarily the actual act that bothers me so much, it's what it has become. There is a huge sense of entitlement in this society. It's one thing to have a civil ceremony and then get it blessed by the church because it wasn't possible the first time. If those are your true intentions fine, I still may not agree but it's your choice. It's the people who look at the paperwork like its a hassle or as if their civil ceremony wasn't a big deal but they deserve a pretty princess day. Everyone has the right to be married; the big froufrou weddin is a privilege not a right. Those people make it look gift grabby. It is also insulting to those who can't legally marry. A civil ceremony is a bi deal and its not jut annoying paperwork. So many would give anything just to have that option. Lastly, I feel it cheapens marriage. People think "oh I can just do the silly paperwork and reap re benefits of marriage" and then they can plan a traditional wedding so they can play dress up. Your wedding is the day you legally become spouses. By separating the two events it's saying that the legal part is no big deal, which it is

What about just having a reception, "we couldn't wait any longer!!" style, elopement party, or a reception party to kick off the rest of your life... It's all in the spin you put on it. If your happy about it, everyone else will be too, whoever isn't, can pound sand lol

I take her as one of those people who have to shove what she believes in other peoples face and be rude and malicious while doing so. There is no point to waste your time. But as always I agree with you Ann. Very well said again.

I don't get what the big deal is about keeping it a secret. People get offended about the silliest things. Life is too short. I wouldn't care if one of my friend's did this and kept it from me - I'm sure it would have been for a good reason. Maybe I would feel different if it was my own kid.

@Alycia: To some, the legality of it all truly is just "silly paper work" and a "hassle". We can get along just fine as two legal, separate individuals united under God; although not everyone sees it in a religious light, it is still seen as a solemn commitment.

A marriage license was merely created (in the U.S.) to prevent interracial marriage - how's that for a piece of paper we hold so dear today? I understand your point of view, and agree that some people think they "deserve more" and cheapen marriage, but that's a slim percentage of brides.

Some areas of the country do publish them or at least post it on the newspaper's website.

While I think you can have a court house and then a "social" ceremony, I don't think you should lie about it. People don't like to be deceived and will not appreciate or trust you anymore when it is found out, because someone will find out. It's kind of hard to hide a marriage date your whole life. Given the circumstances for postponing the "social" ceremony, I'm sure family and friends will understand if not then are they really worth keeping in touch with?

Alycia seriously needs to chill. We know your opinion on this already.

DH and I eloped and will be having our vow renewal a week after our first anniversary. We are calling it a wedding, everyone else is calling it a wedding, and everyone knows we are married and everyone is still just excited about it. OP, if you decide to marry early, even if you want to keeo it a secret, you may find you have a hard time doing so. DH and I told our plans before hand to our parents and a few others and decided we wouldn't announce it but if people found out we wouldn't deny it. Well, after we got married, I was so damn happy I could not wait to tell everyone. Others are right however that you wouldn't get separation pay except for deploymeny. You will get BAH but your husband will also be forced to move out of the barracks and surrender his meal card so do research first to see if rent and utilities and food wouldn't just take up that extra monry anyway.

I´m not is the exact same situation, but I do can relate. I´m still fitting with my self about it.

We don´t really want anybody to know, but I know it will hurt the family's feelings.

Think about it, and do what you think is best.

I had a friend who accidentally got pregnant right before their scheduled and booked wedding. She didn't have insurance at the time, so they had a JOP wedding before their planned wedding. I'm assuming they didn't keep it a secret since I knew about it. They didn't call it a renewal and no one cared. Should they have canceled their wedding and lost the money from everything they had already booked? Should she have gone without insurance while pregnant? Should no one have out of country destination weddings? I'm not sure how all foreign destination weddings work, but my friends had to go to the JOP to be legally married. And I think what my MIL wants to do is sweet. She wants her FH's very old father to witness their ceremony (who lives out of state). I'm assuming her motivation for doing this is because it's easier to go to a JOP locally and have anyone officiate their OOT "spiritual ceremony" (in a nursing home!!!!) for the father to witness. No one is hiding anything.

Above post is obviously directed towards Alycia or other people who call them "fake" ceremonies and not OP