BYOB Reception

I haven't been to a BYOB party since high school keggers in the back forty. Every single dinner party and barbecue I go to has alcohol provided by the hosts.

All that being said, what are you going to do about liability for BYOB? If people bring their own and you don't know how much or who is consuming, how are you going to control the amounts people drink and whether they get behind the wheel?

My FH is in recovery and he insisted on us paying for alcohol for our guests because he feels it is the appropriate way to host. (I don't drink and didn't want to pay for it at first, but I've seen the light).

You don't have to splurge on liquor, but you should at least get wine & beer.

I used to host many events without alcohol because I have some family who had significant behavior problems when they drink. Thanksgiving 2005 was a particularly bad year. After that, for many years, I only served non-alcoholic drinks at my events. People respected that and never brought alcohol as hostess gifts because they witnessed the big brawl. I always hosted with exceptional food and people appreciated that and came to every holiday event despite that it was dry. No one ever declined an invitation because they knew they were getting an exceptional meal because I used my budget in a way that enhanced the day without alcohol and made my guests understand that I appreciated them coming by providing them with top notch food and a fun night.

I understand that you want to put your money where things are important and meaningful for you. I also understand that sobriety is hard and you have a budget and would rather allot your money to things you see as positive. You can host a non-alcohol event which will be fun and well received even if it is dry. I'm also sure you will have people from your recovery community at your wedding. They will appreciate being in an environment that supports their sobriety. Good job in getting and staying sober. This is a very stressful time. Don't let people dictate how you plan to spend your day. People who love you and want what is best for you will respect your decision. I think the fancy soda idea sounds fabulous.

This doesn't sound like an issue related to your recovery. This is a you not wanting to spend money issue. BYOB is super super tacky and honestly just rude. It is exactly like the PPs example of if you were vegetarian not serving meat to your guests. Being a proper host means providing these things, food,beverages,alcohol. Whether or not you will be partaking in them. Cut your guest list. Or work extra hours or something. No one might say it to your face, but people will be offended and will talk about "the awful byob wedding I went to".

Ok so perhaps im the odd one out but if you are in recovery and your family and friends know that then they should be supportive enough to understand no alcohol. I think you have a choice to have it dry or not. You dont have to have alcohol at all. BYOB may not be proper etiquette so i would either supply it or make it dry.

Your wedding is already backyard BBQ so it's pretty informal as is, nothing wrong with BYOB if that's what your budget dictates.

@jaime-If it was about it being hard for her to be around alcohol still due to her recovery I think that is a valid reason that people should understand. But that's not it. She just doesn't want to spend the money on it. And she's not wanting no alcohol, she is wanting byob. This is a money issue, not a sobriety issue.

Cheap alcohol is fine OP. A keg and some cheap wine.

If I was you since it's a backyard affair I would provide beer. Maybe a keg or 2 idk how many people are coming, and then spread the word that there will only be beer and if people are interested in bringing something other than that they are more than welcome to. Kegs arnt too expensive couple hundred bucks that's it.

OMG, Chivy, you have the worst ideas. Please read Miss Manners Guide to Weddings. You may end up still speaking to friends and family after your nuptials.

I agree with PP that going to Trader Joe's and buying bottles of wine and some beer is probably the best idea. Or maybe a champagne toast.

My biggest problems with this idea is the lack of bartenders and rudeness to your guests.

A professional bartender knows when to cut people off. People won't stop drinking when they BYOB.

You shouldn't expect your guests to pay for any part of your day. How extremely rude to ask them to do so.

Congratulations on your and FH'S soberity.I agree with Miranda, get a keg and some wine.I would get boxed wine for the liquor store.

@Jessie my wedding is wedding. So I'll do it how I want, not how random online strangers suggest. You aren't coming to my wedding, why do you care so much? She is going to do what she wants to do. She thought this a realistic possibility, her friends are ok with it. What's the problem? ETA: BYOB isn't guests paying for her day. It's guests paying for their own evening alcohol.

Oooooh not wanting to spend money on something you can't consume but your guests will enjoy or can consume is sort of cheap and wrong. The wedding isn't all about you and if your guests would enjoy something, it's something to consider.

At the end of the day, you just don't want to pay for it; sobriety really doesn't mean anything in this case.

You are better off just having a cake/punch wedding where alcohol is usually not expected. Or do a lunch BBQ wedding where people will generally consume a lot less.

I cannot imagine how much alcohol can cost at a backyard wedding. How many guests are you planning on having?

@chivy your friends will always say nice things to your face. That's why people come to this forum- to get real, honest advice.

and I didn't say "paying for her day". I said "paying for ANY PART OF her day", which includes their evening alcohol.

@Chivy-how do you expect your guests to get the alcohol? Shoplift? Of course they pay for it. Ffs, do you host parties at your home? Do you expect people to bring their own food, beverages, and chairs? Are you 15? Your wedding is an event, treat it thusly, not like a bloody bush party in the back forty.

Your idea is extremely selfish. Pay for beer and wine at least. You can get it so cheap at liquor stores.

And here is @chivy, back at it again with her bad idea (in my white vans voice)

Stop it now. Your sobriety, admirable (and I do mean that sincerely) as it is, is not a reason to host everyone else badly. And BYOB is an even worse idea that dry or cash. It's tacky, it's awkward for the guests and above all, the potential for liability is monstrous.

All the excuses you can think up are still not a reason to bail on alcoholic beverages for your guests, and trust me, we've heard all of them. It all comes down to being cheap, (as it always does, and did, eventually, with your line of logic) and even if being cheap is augmented by sobriety, religion or "all my cousins drink like fish and get into fist fights", it's still being cheap. It's like saying you don't want to spend money on cake because you don't like it, or seating because you like to stand. It should have part of your budget BEFORE you made your guest list.

Of course your MIL is thinking of other guests; that's what GENERALLY happens when people plan weddings, and despite the four people here who will tell you it's fine and your BP who will tell you anything you want to hear, any plan without alcohol added for adults is not a plan. You don't have to have wild crazy bar service; you can do something toned down and subtle. I've done a few weddings for couples in recovery (and several in their backyards) and every one of them had wine.

Your decision to have a dry wedding hasn't solved all the 'dilemmas' you list; it will create another, more personal one. It will insult your MIL and her friends. That is never good, and I promise, it will come back to bite you in the ass.

At this point, the BYOB is totally out the window. It's either going to be a small amount of wine, which we can afford if our guests absolutely must have it, or it's going to be dry with a nice soda bar. Honestly, either decision we make is not going to be about the money. My mother in law's feelings are more important to me, but so is sobriety. It makes me sad that whether or not to serve alcohol has to be such a big deal, and that makes me more inclined not to include it. I want to take good care of my guests, but I don't understand how every celebration or event is required to have alcohol. It is a moral issue to me far more than a budgetary one. If it was just worrying about whether or not I offended people, it wouldn't be a decision, I would serve alcohol. And lord knows, I might still. We still have over a year to decide.

I know that my friends and family could take it or leave it, and will love me whether I provide them with alcohol or not, but I don't want to alienate my in-laws or their friends or family. That will be the deciding factor, not money.

If I think of myself as a guest, I would (and have, even before I was sober) have happily gone to a dry wedding and respected my hosts reasons for doing so, whatever they happened to be. I will not make my guests pay for anything at my wedding, and plan to put on a fun, laid-back party where they can enjoy themselves.

If I don't have alcohol at my wedding it will simply be because of this: I don't want alcohol to control my life, my day, my party, or the safety of my guests.

I hadn't thought about liability, or the fact that people may drink too much if they bring their own, and the thought of a guest getting behind the wheel after drinking too much because of an event that I held makes me so sad. Of course, it could (and does) happen whether alcohol is served by a bartender or not at all, but I don't want to increase the chances of that.

We'll see what my mother in law says, and if she is uncomfortable with a dry wedding, we'll get some wine for those who feel the need to drink. It's going in the budget now either way, and whether it goes to alcohol or to something else nice for our guests will be decided.