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Dayna
Expert September 2021

Bridesmaid Vent

Dayna, on June 29, 2020 at 3:15 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15

Hey everyone! I'm mostly just here to vent, but glad to hear any advice if you've been in a similar situation.

I have 5 bridesmaids in my party. 2 sisters and my 3 closest friends. I've been engaged for a while and my bridesmaids were asked to be in my party about 8 months ago.

So one of my bridesmaids (let's call her Ann) just got engaged last week, and they are planning a quick turn-around wedding for the end of August. It's a formal event with 100 guests. Ann and I have been friends for 12 years and our friendship has always been long distance and we would get together a few times a year when possible. I always expected that we would be bridesmaids in each others' weddings, unless one of us decided to elope or not have a bridal party or something.

Well Ann sent me her wedding website which includes the bridal party, and so I learned this way that I am not being invited to join as a bridesmaid. She has 2 girls in her party, and her FH has 3, so I wasn't excluded to keep the parties even. I'm pretty sure her MOH isn't local to her, so living far away doesn't seem to be the reason either. I'm pretty hurt that she didn't at least talk to me about it. I realize that she is under no obligation to ask me to be a bridesmaid just to "return the favor" and I would understand if there was a specific reason she chose to just stick with 2 girls, but I don't really see a reason so it feels like she's hiding something or just doesn't care about our friendship.

Am I right to feel a little hurt? I'm tempted to just let it go because I don't want to add further stress to her quick wedding planning, but I also feel like I'm going to feel awkward with her at my own wedding events. It feels rude to bring it up, as I would never directly ask someone to be part of their wedding party. I'm just worried there's something deeper that's a problem, but maybe I'm overthinking it?

15 Comments

Latest activity by Chelsea, on July 1, 2020 at 2:39 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I mean you’re valid for being hurt but I wouldn’t bring it up because like you said she’s not obligated to have you in it and she’s also not obligated to have an even amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen either
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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    I would let it go. If there was a deeper rooted issue, I am sure you would have known about it before now or she would have mentioned it. Does she act normal towards you? Are you two communicating normally?

    She may of just wanted to keep your bridal party numbers low and she chose her 2 closest friends. I wouldn't take it too personally.

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  • Dayna
    Expert September 2021
    Dayna ·
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    I most likely will just let it go. I did forget to add though that she also didn't tell me about her engagement. My MOH saw it on FB and told me before Ann ever said anything to me, so I texted her to congratulate her and then called her a few days later to ask her how the planning was going and she didn't seem interested in talking about it. So that made it feel more like she was avoiding me.

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  • Emily
    Super August 2020
    Emily ·
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    I wouldn’t worry about it! I’ve already decided I will not let myself get upset if I don’t make the cut for my bridesmaids’ weddings when they get married.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    I think you've overthinking this, it sounds like she's just doing something quickly.

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  • Anna
    VIP October 2020
    Anna ·
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    I think it’s perfectly valid to feel hurt, but I also think it’s just one of those things in life we have to learn to let go, that in the long run it’s not really worth bringing up.


    I know for me, I was hurt a few years ago when one of my closest friends asked someone else to be her maid of honor. I was even more irritated when it came time for the wedding and the maid of honor hardly helped any to set up or cleanup. She used her 1 yr old son as her excuse for not helping, but the son’s dad and grandma were there as well and could’ve watched him while she helped. Instead I was there every minute for setup and cleanup with the Matron of Honor (the bride’s sister in law). And eventually I did just let it go, but when I got engaged I couldn’t bring myself to ask this friend to be my matron of honor. Even when my FH decided to ask her husband to be his best man. I just couldn’t.
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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    It seems strange that she also didn’t feel like talking much when you called her to congratulate her. Can you think of any sort of falling out at any point that you two have had? If not, its probably best to just let it go. If you feel like it’s something that you’re too hurt by and feel like it may put a damper on your wedding day, then I would just simply tell her you’re downsizing and not invite her.
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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    I agree with pp that I would just let that go. Though I agree I'd be a bit hurt to not be a bridesmaid in a wedding of one of my bridesmaids (though I know I won't likely be for one of them because she has many sisters). I would say try to reach out again to talk wedding stuff (like meet for coffee to trade tips, tricks, or vendors) and if she seems cold/distant about it then maybe ask if you did something wrong. Even though you might have done nothing, put the blame on yourself so she doesn't feel attacked. If it's a problem you can't fix (as in a reason that makes no sense or something you can't change) or that she won't budge on then maybe it's time to distance yourself from that friend.

    Sadly friendships change (because people change) and just because someone has been a friend for 12 years doesn't mean they have your best interest at heart. Especially if the distance becomes an issue. I had a huge group of friends in high school that had been my friends since elementary school. When I went to college in another state, I lost contact with all of them but, they all still hang out. I just developed different beliefs and grew into a better person than I was in high school and found I couldn't spend long chunks of time with people who just hadn't change (which is totally fine and up to them). What is best is that you're happy.

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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I totally understand why you are upsetting. My husband is a groomsman in his friend's wedding, but he thought he would be best man. His friend was best man in our wedding so my husband was shocked and rather hurt. He is actually the last groomsman in the line up which made him even more upset. He hasn't said anything to his friend, but he has told me it really hurts his feelings that he isn't best man and that's last in the line up. While it is definitely strange, I wouldn't ask her about it because that would make things even more awkward.

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  • T
    Devoted May 2021
    Trinity ·
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    It's normal to feel hurt, but it is best to let it goes. She might not feel the same about you. I am speaking from experience. My friend and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and we live in different states for the past 10 years. Like you, we only see each other once or twice a year. I wouldn't say we are still close; however, she did ask me to be one of her 7 BMs last year. I agreed because it's hard to turn it down. When I was engaged, she asked a lot of questions, and offered help. I think she assumed she was going to be my BM. However, I did not ask her to be my BM, and she found out when I sent her STD. We haven't brought it up. I just don't feel like we are close, and I only want the girls that mean the most to me in my wedding. Sorry you feel this way.

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  • Dayna
    Expert September 2021
    Dayna ·
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    Thanks for responding. I think it was helpful to hear your perspective from the other side and that you didn't feel like you were purposely trying to push your friend away, but just that you didn't feel as close. I guess I'm just a little surprised if my friend doesn't actually feel we are close, since she even came here to visit me for my birthday last year and whenever we talk she tells me she loves me and she's thankful for me.

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  • Dayna
    Expert September 2021
    Dayna ·
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    Thanks for responding. Unfortunately we can't meet up since we live 7 hours apart and I won't actually see her until her wedding Smiley sad but last week I did try to chat about wedding planning with her and she said basically her mom is planning everything and driving her crazy and she even told me "weddings are stupid" even though she knows I'm having a pretty big/traditional wedding with all the events that go along with it that I've been planning for 2 years, so that hurt too. I'm trying to just chalk it up to her being extra stressed right now and I've decided not to bring it up. If after her wedding, it still feels like she's distant or acting strange, I will talk to her.

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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    I think that's the best thing you can do then! It is hard when you live that far away. Just remember your mental health is very important especially when the extra stress of planning a big wedding is added. You are certainly right though that her wedding might just be stressing her out. My fingers are crossed that that is the reason. Smiley smile

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  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
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    Along with all the great and helpful advice PPs have given- I would suggest that perhaps she was acting that way was because she knew she wasn't planning on asking you. Maybe she was feeling awkward, knowing you might expect it but knowing she wasn't asking (or maybe still deciding whether she would at the time.) She may have also maybe thought you called specifically with hopes of being asked, or were fishing? Which I'm not saying you were just maybe she thought that and felt awkward. Just a few possibilities.
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  • Chelsea
    Dedicated August 2020
    Chelsea ·
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    I think that’s a tell tell sign how she feels about your friendship. I’ll say during my wedding planning you know the people you want to be apart of your day. If they don’t matter they are not apart (in my head) but I understand how that can make you feel... because that would hurt especially if you thought y’all had a stronger relationship. Sorry you have to go through this
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