Sarah
Just Said Yes January 2020

Bridesmaid Trouble...

Sarah, on August 12, 2019 at 7:24 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 29
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Hi all!

I am really struggling with this topic and I feel like a terrible person for considering it but it's really what I feel in my heart...

Back in early May, I mentioned to one of my friends about her potentially being one of my bridesmaids. She seemed excited about it yet nonchalant and told me it was sweet. However, now that the wedding is 6 months away and I am preparing to send off my wedding party proposals, I am having second thoughts on her. We have only communicated back and forth two times in four months and have only hung out once. I just feel like at this point if she was standing up at the alter with me it would be because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. There is no close relationship there anymore where as I 100% want my soon to be sister-in-law in my wedding. She was someone that I had not thought of before because we were not close at the time but in the last couple of months we have gotten extremely close and I can't see myself getting married without her next to me.

My fiancé and I decided that we ONLY want three people in our line up and I already have my 2 and now I am in this dilemma. I understand that a different amount of people in wedding parties is totally common these days, but I am just not convinced I want that. Again, we haven't been close at all and I don't see us getting any closer. I do believe she would still come to the wedding but I just don't want to upset her or make her feel less-than because of my big mouth.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What did you do? What should I do?

29 Comments

  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    Pick who you want. It does not need to be even numbers.
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    If I was your friend, I'd be hurt and would probably end up ending the friendship. If that's okay with you, don't have her in the wedding. If that does matter to you, have 4 BM. Sides don't need to be even.
  • I_Do_Too
    Savvy September 2020
    I_Do_Too Online ·
    Doesnt seem like a big deal unless she thinks you are closer than you really are. Since you did mention to her already that it was a possibility it would be a good idea to address it with her though.
  • Sara
    Expert October 2019
    Sara ·
    If I was your friend, I would be hurt about being cut. Would you want to lose your friend? I would figure out what you want. You can always do an uneven number or even add one more to the grooms side just so everyone gets what they want without hurt feelings.
  • Ashley
    Beginner October 2020
    Ashley ·
    I am having the same issue with one of my bridesmaids who I’ve already asked to be in my wedding and she accepted, only now in the past 4 months, she hasn’t responded to any group messages regarding the wedding. I plan on letting her know that as we stand now, I don’t think it is in either of our best interests for her to be in my wedding, but she is more than welcome to come because I would like to have there on my special day. I would recommend doing the same in your situation, keeping it as polite and kind hearted as possible. Best of luck to you!
  • Cheryl
    Expert October 2020
    Cheryl ·
    I dont think this will kill your friendship if you decide to go in another direction, especially if you're having your FSIL. Any friend will realize that you now have added family members. If you officially asked her, then it wouldnt matter, but you just mentioned it maybe and she sounded luke warm to the idea anyway. I dont think she'll be that upset. If she is, she's not that good of a friend anyway. Ask FSIL. I always advise people to have who they think will be in their lives 5, 10, 15 years from now. You don't want to regret your decision later.
  • FutureMrsD
    Rockstar July 2019
    FutureMrsD ·

    You can ask both and have uneven bridal parties, that's super common. However, if you don't ask your friend, I'd assume the friendship would be over since you mentioned it to her already.

  • stbmrs2019
    Devoted September 2019
    stbmrs2019 ·
    If I were your friend I’d be upset. My bridal party and my fiancé’s bridal party is uneven. Unfortunately both of my MOHs had to drop out due to health issues and I didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else after finding that out. You do you, but know that this may end the friendship.
  • Meghan
    Expert September 2019
    Meghan ·

    I think since you mentioned potentially being a bridesmaid but didn't officially ask you could get out of it without killing the friendship. She might be hurt, but I don't think it's a friendship killer, esp. if you guys haven't been talking much lately anyway. You could just explain that you've decided to have a smaller bridal party than you originally thought.

  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    If you're not that close she might not speak to you for a while. But at the end of the day I say don't ask her and if she inquires just say your fiance really wanted his sister there.
  • Tiffany
    Just Said Yes November 2021
    Tiffany ·

    I would honestly have your soon-to-be sister in law as your BM rather than her. It doesn't seem like shes taking this very seriously and like you said you are not that close.

  • Kassidy
    Savvy October 2020
    Kassidy ·
    Ask you sister in law, I asked 2 friends to be in my party 5 months ago and I kind of regret it because I moved and they both barely talk to me even if I try to reach out.
  • Heidi
    Savvy September 2019
    Heidi ·
    My advice is to do what’s in your heart, it’s your wedding and no one else’s. I made a mistake of trying to accommodate everybody and didn’t want to hurt feelings.

    We are now at six weeks out and I have paid for several people’s attire because they actually cannot actually afford to be in the wedding.

    Programs have already been done and I ended up having to swallow the bullet.

    Don’t be me. You could end up trying to spare someone else’s feelings but hurting yourself.
  • Heidi
    Savvy September 2019
    Heidi ·
    Also if this ends a friendship… then I would say they were not much of a friend.
  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Angela ·

    For me, it has nothing to do with how many times I have communicated with someone in the past, month, year or decade, it's just some people you would like to have up there. You don't nonchalantly ask someone to be your bridesmaid and then recant because you both have busy lives. It's needlessly selfish. Bite the bullet and ask her officially to be your bridesmaid and who the hell cares about 4 maids and 3 groomsmen...

  • Jocelyn
    Just Said Yes May 2020
    Jocelyn ·
    View Quoted Comment

    This is what I plan to do too having the same exact issue. Its only so many times a person can reach out. At this point to me it seems like she doesn't care much of being a bridesmaid.

  • Meghan
    Savvy October 2020
    Meghan ·
    It's your wedding, do what feels right.
    Don't have anyone up there with you that you don't feel close with. It is a smaller number of people so don't worry about hurting her feelings. if you know it would mean more to you and your future sister-in-law to have her up there, then I would do that
  • Melissa
    Dedicated October 2019
    Melissa ·
    I think I would still keep her in it. I know you're using lack of communication as your reasoning. However, you picked her for a reason. I would say add your sis in-law and have 4 maids.
  • Stephanie
    Savvy November 2019
    Stephanie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this! I would just ask her to be a bridesmaid. Is it really going to hurt you or your wedding? It will certainly crush her if she thinks you are close enough to even be considered. To me, I'd rather not hurt someone's feelings
  • A
    Beginner August 2019
    Abby ·
    If you don’t feel that close with her anymore, and are having a hard time getting in touch/spending time with her, I say save yourself the headache and leave her out. I’d maybe mention to her that you’re keeping your bridal party small and that you had to include family, if it were me I would understand

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