Erin
Just Said Yes July 2022

Bridesmaid Removal

Erin, on September 15, 2021 at 12:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12
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I have one of my college best friends in my wedding as my bridesmaid. We have been friends for about 8 years. Although we don't see each other all the time, we at least talk every couple of weeks. About a month ago I found out she got engaged, but I found out through social media. She never told me about it. I was going to let it go, until I found out that when she posted it, she got engaged a week before. She had a week to tell me about it. I now found out that she doesn't have me in her wedding party. That is the last straw. I feel as though our friendship means more to me than it does to her. I only want those who support me the way I support them in my wedding party. With that being said, I think I want to get rid of her as a bridesmaid. Do I still invite her to the wedding? Also her wedding she ironically made a month before mine (which is fine, but now I feel as though she is going to have too much on her hands with her own wedding to focus on mine). How do you go about getting rid of a wedding party person?

12 Comments

Latest activity by Vee, on September 21, 2021 at 6:28 AM
  • S
    Expert September 2022
    Sarah ·
    • Flag

    I feel like I'm missing some details. So you're upset that she's been engaged for a month and hasn't asked you to be a bridesmaid? 1. I don't think that because you asked her to be a bridesmaid that she is obligated to ask you to be a bridesmaid. and 2. It's only been a month. Maybe she's waiting to ask the bridal party. Or maybe she has a lot of family she would like to include. Or maybe she wants to keep it small. Let her enjoy her engagement. And I'm sorry you're hurt that she didn't personally tell you about her engagement, but honestly I didn't tell many people either. I don't like getting all of the questions from everyone.

    I'm sorry I am sounding harsh, but I'm having trouble understanding the situation. To me, these aren't reasons to drop a bridesmaid.

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  • Erin
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Erin ·
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    She already has her wedding party done on her wedding website. We had always talked about being in each other’s weddings literally since the day we met. She has 7 people in her wedding on her side and none of them are family. She was one of the first couple people I told when I got engaged, I’m not upset I wasn’t one of the first ones she told. I’m upset I found out through social media a week later when everyone else did. She had a week to tell me she got engaged before I found out like everyone else did. She is (was now) my best friend. My thought is now, I only want people who support me up there, just like I support them. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
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  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece ·
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    I think the only real question is whether you would like this person to remain in your life, or if you are done with the friendship. If you are ready to cut this person from your life, then I would just be honest and upfront with her about the reasons for removing her from your wedding party. And if she has already purchased her BM dress, you should compensate her for it.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I’ve been a bridesmaid for people I didn’t have in my wedding and I had people in my wedding that I ended up not being a bridesmaid for. Not being in someone’s wedding doesn’t mean you kick them out of yours. You felt she was close enough to you to be a bridesmaid. She didn’t feel the same. That’s ok.


    If you’re really going to kick her out over this, be prepared for this friendship to be over and reimburse her for any expenses she’s already incurred.
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  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    It seems that you’re correct in your friendship meaning more to you than to her. That doesn’t have to mean something negative or that she doesn’t like you, she’s just grown and it sounds like you’ve drifted a bit throughout the years. Not to sound mean, but it doesn’t seem like she’ll be upset about non being a bridesmaid and/or uninvited. I think it’s best to reach out and have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and see what she says.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    If you kick her out of your wedding party, that says you aren't interested in being friends with her any more, so I wouldn't invite her to the wedding at that point. Only you can decide if her friendship is worth anything to you at this point.

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  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Yep what everyone else said. If you're thinking to kick her out of the wedding party, it's likely that you will lose the friendship. So, I doubt she would even attend the wedding.

    • Reply
  • Dayna
    Expert September 2021
    Dayna ·
    • Flag

    Agree with PPs that kicking her out of your party is probably going to create problems with the friendship overall. I have a very similar situation with one of my BMs. We've been friends for 12 years, always kind of a long distance friendship but always close. She got engaged last year and I found out through social media. They got married 3 months later and her bridesmaids included a friend she had literally never even mentioned before, but I was not included in her bridal party and when she downsized her wedding due to covid I was uninvited completely. At the same time we were also considering downsizing, but I never would have considered removing her from my guest list, so I was pretty hurt. THEN, they tried to reschedule their reception, and she picked 6 days before our well-established wedding date (both of us later changed our dates and I just finally attended her reception, but still).

    Fast forward almost a year to our now postponed wedding, she tried to back out of my bachelorette party 3 days before (at which point she still had not booked a flight). And yesterday I found out she is going to be leaving our wedding reception 2.5 hours early because she waited until the last minute to handle travel arrangements. I asked if she could drive instead of fly, because I literally just made the exact same drive (7 hours) for her postponed reception two weeks ago, but she decided to go with the flight and leave early instead.

    ANYWAY, I know that was long and honestly I've just been itching to rant about it, but all that to say, she's STILL in my bridal party. Multiple times I decided that in the long run, I don't really want to lose her as a friend even though she has been incredibly difficult lately. I've tried to be as patient as possible as she is in law school and recently married. As PPs said, consider that she might have a reason not to include you in her bridal party, such as a lot of female relatives or just friends she feels closer with. I know it sucks to feel like you care more, I really do. If you do kick her out, I suppose you can still invite her to the wedding, but I would expect your friendship won't be the same.

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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    If YOU kick her out of the wedding party, it is YOU who is deciding to end the friendship, so I’m not sure why you’d bother inviting her to your wedding. Seems like a silly thing to end a friendship over though.
    • Reply
  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
    • Flag
    I guess I just don't understand how her not asking you to be a bridesmaid mean that she doesn't support you. Just because you asked her to be a bridesmaid?
    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Savvy September 2022
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag

    Just because you are a bridesmaid in someone's wedding doesn't mean that they have to make you a bridesmaid in their wedding. I wouldn't be too concerned about that.

    But it does seem as if the friendship means more to you than to her. She didn't tell you about getting engaged, and you found out from social media. That doesn't sound like a close friendship to me.

    • Reply
  • Vee
    Just Said Yes November 2021
    Vee ·
    • Flag
    You have every right to feel disappointed in this friendship. She doesn’t seem to value your friendship. If you don’t care to cut ties with her, then do so. I wouldn’t want someone like her to be in my bridal party. For all I know she can try to dim the spotlight on you, by sharing all her wedding details, etc.
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