Bridesmaid etiquette! Am I crazy???

Wow!

Apparently she feels that she can be a part of the wedding but not a part of the bridal shower.

She's right. No one is entitled to a shower at all. A bridesmaid does not have a duty to attend, much less throw one.

The idea that you would jeopardize a friendship with someone who is about to be a relative, just in order to have an expensive party, is appalling!

The only thing you were looking for here is validation. You didn't get it. NO ONE gets to plan a party and then tell others how much they owe. And NO shower needs to cost 700.00. You are throwing away the relationship with your future family over a party you feel quite entitled to. Nice.

Lol, I don't need validation.....it's a forum and I was upset about it and wanted other brides opinions.

I'm not throwing my shower, nor do I have any details....all I know is my bridesmaids were trying to do something and since she was a bridesmaid they included her. She did not communicate to anyone that she didn't want to be a part of it. She ignored everyone and then my MOH reached out to me like, what's up with FSIL......when I approached her she still wasn't straight up. As my FSIL, why don't you want to attend my shower? I don't think I'm messing up anything, doesn't seem like she's too excited about being my sister..

My brother is a groomsmen and he doesn't even live in town yet he never misses a beat when they group chat about the Bachelor party. He's going to be there for my FH, and ultimately because he wants to see me happy.

That's why I asked the question. The other posters have already stated that she indeed doesn't need to be part of it...and I should just move on, so thanks

@Mrs. S ... I think you have every right to be upset that your FSIL doesn't want to be a part of the bridal shower. I would definitely have hurt feelings if my FSIL didn't want to go to my bridal shower! As others have said, she doesn't need to be a part of it to be in the bridal party, but you would hope that those in your bridal party would want to be involved in other wedding related events. Hopefully by the date of your shower she will come around and attend. But as of now, don't let the situation bother you and drive you crazy, just let it be. Maybe she is upset her brother is getting married? Honestly... who knows! Focus on your wedding planning and have fun with it!

Your other BMs were completely wrong to demand $100 from her for a shower. Totally out of line. She has zero obligation to help plan a shower, financially or otherwise. BMs OFFER to throw showers, they are not obligated. And certainly no one should be requesting money from anyone without discussing it first.

Where I'm from, being a BM requires you purchase a dress (and possibly shoes)... You host a bridal shower and bachelorette... and you attend a rehearsal & dinner. After coming on here, I realized this was not the case in all places. But no, I don't think you're crazy. Being a BM is expensive! The bride should do whatever she can to minimize those expenses and be respectful of each girl's financial situation, and the other BMs (you would hope) would do the same. But being in a wedding costs money, no way around it. Just let your friend be a guest, with no hard feelings.

Honestly sometimes its harder with that many people involved. Things get out of hand when everyone has there own ideas and opinions. Your bridesmaids would probably have an easier time if one or two of them hosted it, there is no need for all seven to do it.

You should have never known about this to begin with. A MOH should do their best to not stress out the bride to be. If she doesn't plan on being at the party then it's ok that she doesn't contribut to your bridal shower. Like others have mention, she might be going through money or personal problems. On the other hand, if she plans on attending your party then I would also be upset that she's not pitching in or even helping out. Even if she's not contributing, she should volunteer to help out with decorating or cooking. Don't let this ruin your bridal shower.

My MOH really tried to keep me out of it. Everytime she reached out. She just got no response, FSIL was included in a group chat when everyone was discussing what to do, she didn't give her opinion then....in order to move forward they wanted to know where she was with everything. Thats when it went downhill....

"I don't think that's a huge amount to come up with by Feb...you can save up some change from now til then, it's your brothers wedding. I feel like she could if she wanted to"

You are totally out of line with this statement. What may not be a huge amount to you may be a really big deal to someone else. You are also implying that she doesn't care enough, otherwise she would. There have been periods in my life where an extra $20 might as well have been $20K. She may have agreed to be in your BP knowing she only needed to budget for a dress (& maybe shoes) and now she is having a wrench thrown into that plan. Money is a very touchy subject and most people having difficulty discussing it with even those closest to them. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable participating in a shower where everyone else contributed money and I couldn't. Human nature is that those other BMs (however unkind it is) would talk about her behind her back if this occurred. I would do the same thing and remove myself from the situation where that were a possibility.

I would just suck it up. A bridal shower is not worth the bad blood of a future in-law.

Money is one thing that I'm being cognizant of. I asked my girls how much they are comfortable spending and I told them I would stay within their budget. I assume most won't be able to make it to AZ for any of my pre wedding events but that's the price of living far from my girls. I fully understand they are spending a lot to be part of my day, the least I can do is provide them unconditional understanding of their finances. Plus my MOH is MIA, no idea what happened to her. I've called, texted and fb'ed her sister and sister says all is well but I'm down one and have no clue why!

I had this happen. (The talking about thing). My MOH had 4 kids and her husband was out of work this summer. She was having trouble coming up with funds for her dress (I had offered to pay for half when I found out). My bridesmaids decided to throw me a shower, but didn't ask anyone's budget. She couldn't come up with the money for the shower or my group gift (kitchenAid mixer). The rest of my maids talked shut about her until the wedding. And she knew, I know she did. OP, stop making it about the money. You're in the wrong hare

I have been in a similar situation as your FSIL and let me tell you it's not fun. If your MOH wanted everyone to contribute $100 she should have consulted everyone first. It is expensive to be in a wedding. Not everyone has the ability to come up with an extra hundred dollars. Did you ever think maybe she was ignoring the group messages because it's embarrassing to be the only person saying they aren't able to contribute. I had to borrow money for a ridiculously expensive wedding I was in. She appears to have been more intelligent than me and gotten out when she realized it was out of her means. I definitely don't think it's something to ruin a relationship over.

Maybe your FSIL doesn't like you. I can't really blame her. I'm very glad you're still permitting her to be a guest at her own brothers wedding, how very generous of you.

If you are living on a fixed budget, that's a terrible time of year to have unexpected expenses. She'll just have got through the Christmas obligations, and then have to spend another $100 on top of that! If you have spare money, it doesn't sound like much, but it's possible she just doesn't have that and is embarrassed and angry because people keep insisting she should.

Willing to pick up her slack? Now that sounds very ungrateful and like you expect something. There is NO slack to pick up. She's willing to show up in dress. That's all she has to do. Therefore slack=nil.

I don't think your out of line at all your very lucky to be loved by many and I'm sure you feel like she's not being a team player, to me being a bridesmaid equals spending some type of money and when it comes to family I'm always willing to do what I can. So I can see why your hurt. If it's a financial issue then there's so many ways to help out like decorating or baking something the tiniest details are always appreciated.

For the record, $100 in two months could be a lot of money to a lot of people. That's $50 a month for your party you (or your bridal party) are asking her to spend, at the holidays, no less, when money is already tight.

I sympathize that you wish she'd be more supportive, and you're going to spend many years with her as your SIL, so you might want to graciously chip in her amount, ask your BP to plan something less elaborate, tell her you'll understand if she steps down (although that leaves your BP having to chip in her share...).

My SIL did not go to the shower, OR the wedding!!! Not even to see her daughter as a JBM. (thanks to MIL).