Bridesmaid etiquette! Am I crazy???

My bridal party was asking her for $100 by Feb btw, and she said they were crazy! I don't think that's a huge amount to come up with by Feb...you can save up some change from now til then, it's your brothers wedding. I feel like she could if she wanted to

I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I had seven bridesmaids and 6 of them are willing to throw me a shower. I'm thankful, she's being rude. Everyone is asking what can she do, can she decorate and she doesn't want to participate. She's the only one with a problem

I'm sure I'm going to have the unpopular opinion, but your expectations are exactly in line with my expectations. It sounds like fsil might have some anxiety about something else, and might be taking it out on you.

They are required to wear a dress and show up the day of your wedding and look happy. That is the extent of a Bridesmaid's responsibilities. This question is asked a lot and does not go over well. You don't get to control people's lives or dictate their social calendar simply because you asked them to be a bridesmaid.

First off you sound ungrateful. Secondly all she has to do is wear the dress and show up at your wedding, that is supporting her brother on his wedding day. Thirdly what is happening at your shower that it is costing $700+?? That is nuts.

Hi Mrs. S. The wacky commercialized world of weddings has told you that bridesmaids have to throw you a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, among other costly things. This is false and is totally against etiquette.

Your bridesmaids are nothing more than a guest of honor. It is an honor for YOU to have them in your wedding, not the other way around. A bridesmaid's only 2 requirements is to buy the dress you pick and show up on time to the wedding, sober. Everything else is extra. Show your friend some extra love and tell her you don't expect her to help with the shower, and her presence as a guest of honor at your wedding is enough for you.

I was actually in your BM's situation once. The maid of honor told me to pay $100 for the shower. The MOH had already chosen the location (the most expensive in town) and didn't ask if I wanted to help, only demanded my money. Needless to say, I didn't end up being in that girl's wedding.

Per Emily Post:

Bridesmaids

-Attend the bridesmaids’ luncheon, if there is one.

-Supervise flower girl(s) and ring bearer(s) if asked.

-Assist the bride at the reception as requested.

-Participate in activities such as a receiving line and a bouquet toss.

-Contribute to the bridesmaids’ gift to the bride.

Nice, but optional:

-Host a shower, bridesmaids’ luncheon, bachelorette, or other pre-wedding party or get-together.

http://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-attendants/

She is absolutely not required to attend the bridal shower. Would it be nice? Sure. Required? No.

ETA: link

She doesn't have to *do* anything beyond get the dress and show up the day of. Exactly what Mrs. CK said in her very first sentence. Do not discredit this. This is ALL she has to do. If she doesn't want to participate in your bridal shower, bachelorette party, engagement party, what-have-you, she does not have to. You cannot and *should* not pressure her into doing anything. That's the surest way to start off your new relationship as sisters on a bad foot.

Maybe she could if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to, so she doesn't have to. Call her, apologize for being out of line, and ask if she would still like to be a bridesmaid even if she can't make the shower. Yes, you are crazy. This is your FSIL, remember that. Family for the rest of your life. Don't be an asshole over a bridal shower.

Depending on someone's finances, $100 (by any date) can be a lot for someone - and that doesn't include what she's expected to pay for her dress.

I understand being disappointed that not all of your bridesmaids are banding together as you'd like, but since she's your FSIL, she may also feel outside of the group if they're all friends of yours.

I live in NYC, and I'm not sure what my other bridesmaids are planning. The shower is still happening without fsil. And I appreciate people's opinions but I don't feel ungrateful at all, lol I'm very blessed to have people willing to do this for me. I did not ask. I got involved because fsil was ignoring all messages from the other bridesmaids. Again, the other bridesmaids were willing to pick up her slack, I don't see what she needed to be rude about it. Be apart of the festivities....fh and I feel like her supporting us can be just showing up, if she has no $$. Don't downplay something nice my loved ones want to do, that's not nice

You just changed everything you said before.

"She said "my bridal shower shit had nothing to do with her supporting her brother"! To us it does. Why did she say yes to being a bridesmaid? It's not fair to everyone else that she just shows up in a dress."

Then

"fh and I feel like her supporting us can be just showing up, if she has no $$. "

Also, "a part' is two words. Apart means to be away from. It sounds like she wants to be apart from them, though.

No one suggested your shower shouldn't happen, we said to leave your FSIL alone because she wasn't doing anything wrong. She isn't "slacking" for your bridesmaids to pick up. She did nothing wrong.

Your wedding is only a priority to you and your FH. Everyone else has lives too. Maybe she has other things going on and cannot drop everything for your shower, or maybe she just doesn't want to. That's fine. You get one day that revolves around you...you're wedding day. Everything else is just a bonus.

And are you sure there wouldn't be some stigma back on her for not being able to contribute the money? i had a friend who was a bridesmaid for someone else - and she was upfront about not having the funds for a lot of the stuff the bride wanted. The bride offered to pay for certain things - the plane ticket being the most expensive, and then hung that around my friend's head for the rest of the time until the wedding. It was the most unpleasant experience and my friend never would have accepted had she known how much the fact she didn't make enough to go to an out of state wedding and pay for everything. Her friend lived in NYC and my friend had recently moved back to Pittsburgh, so it was rough. Everyone in NYC went to a bachelorette weekend in Atlantic City that my friend couldn't afford, and her missed attendance at that also caused some backlash.

Everything @stephanie said!!

"Due to this, I've lost one bridesmsid (FSIL) Apparently she feels that she can be a part of the wedding but not a part of the bridal shower."

You basically said you kicked her out of your bridal party over this. You're in the wrong.

#glittercoveredslaves

A BM's only responsibility is to wear the dress and show up. Anything more is a bonus. Let this go, it does nothing positive for anyone in this situation.

@Stephanie Y. If she can not afford it, I understand. But why not be there, why not help out in other ways. That's what I mean when I say she'll just show up in a dress. There is no reason to be rude, even here on WW. She is a grown woman and could've had a conversation with either me or her brother.

Just like I can't assume she wants to come, she shouldn't assume don't come when clearly people were trying to include her and accommodate her

Ugh.

Yes TobeMorris, because my other 6 bridesmaids wanted to throw me a shower....she called us all crazy. And this wedding was too much. I don't think that was fair. She didn't have to agree but why downgrade something nice for me? To me, its how she went about it....more than anything

Listen....no one is being rude to you here. You asked this on a friday night, there aren't a lot of people on the forums right now. Had you asked on say a wednesday at around 11am....you would have gotten 200 comments telling you exactly the same thing. We gain nothing from being "rude" to you. We are trying to help you fix your expectations. Maybe she feels out of place and doesn't want to do it anymore. Just ask her....give her the option to come as a guest if she wants it. That is fine...being a BM isn't for everyone.