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Christina
Savvy October 2021

Bridesmaid dilemma

Christina, on July 31, 2021 at 3:38 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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So, my bridesmaid said that she unusable to attend Bachelorette party. She is off that weekend but claims she doesn't know if she will have plans. My Bachelorette is in September.



Now I hear as of today that her boyfriend, who is in the bridal party and walking with her, may not be able to get off from work. The wedding is in October. She said he just started his job and will need tangible invitations and may not be able to get off for the wedding and rehearsal dinner. I had said she should come to rehearsal and then let him know what to do.
I was understanding. I told her to let me know by October 1st. That's the rsvp dates for rehearsal and wedding. I've been more than understanding. I elt bridesmaids pick own dresses and didn't give specifications for hair and makeup. I even said worst case they can't be I'm the wedding party, they can attend as guests and I'll remove then from bridal party and reimburse her for what she spent.
Am I being fair? I've been very understanding and accommodating. She's backed out in theory, of all events and is leaving me up in the air till a month before. Advice please? Am I wrong to reimburse her for her stuff in the event she drops out? Many friends and family have told me it's her responsibility to make sure they are at events and it's more than 2 months away and is ample time to ask off from work if there is a commitment.

21 Comments

Latest activity by Miranda Landry, on August 2, 2021 at 2:40 AM
  • Christina
    Savvy October 2021
    Christina ·
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    Many people have said I don't need to reimburse her since she is on the fence in regards to if her boyfriend will get the day off . She originally wanted to let me know the day of the rehearsal dinner. I get people have emergencies and family issues and may have to cancel, I get that. But it's almost 3 mths away, they're in bridal party. And they go places last minute all the time on weekends. O feel something isn't rite.
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  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    I’m a little bit confused. I do not understand why she is unable to be in the wedding party and/or attend the rehearsal even if her boyfriend should have to work. Why is her ability to attend and participate dependent on him? Members of the bridal party are chosen because they are near and dear to the bride, so I do not understand why she would not want to stand by your side unless he’s also there. Do they live far away? Limited funds or transportation?


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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    1 - Bachelorette - this is a completely optional event, so she decides she can come or she decides she can't. Either way, no big deal.

    2 - A lot of places have rules about taking time off if you haven't worked at a place for a certain amount of time. If your wedding is on a day the boyfriend can't take off, that sucks, but so be it.

    3 - Did she say *she* couldn't attend the wedding if her boyfriend has to work? From your post, it seems like boyfriend may not be able to attend, but she will be doing her best.

    4 - Rehearsal/dinner - if one or both of them is unable to attend, I'm sure that a five minute this is what you do will suffice - and a month lead time isn't the end of the world.

    5 - "And they go places last minute all the time on weekends. O feel something isn't rite." She hasn't said this is a money issue, it's an availability issue. Work doesn't always work with you, PTO is hard to come by, and a last minute getaway is sometimes easier than planning in advance.

    I don't think you need to reimburse her if she can't attend, but if she is able to attend the wedding and not the other things, then she should be a bridesmaid, not a guest.

    I get that you're frustrated and disappointed - those are valid feelings and you have every right to them - but try to see things from an outside point of view. (I know it's difficult)

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  • Christina
    Savvy October 2021
    Christina ·
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    They go away every weekend. They love nearby.They do last minute things all of the time. I told her she can come without him.
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  • Christina
    Savvy October 2021
    Christina ·
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    I understand that. You make valid points. I just don't have anyone to walk down the aisle with her. I feel to leave a bride up in the air 2 months in advance is impolite, especially after you have made a commitment. I've been very understanding.
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  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    She isn’t required to attend your bachelorette party (in fact bachelorette parties altogether are an entirely options event). She is only required to stand beside you on your wedding day. I’m also not following what her boyfriend’s potential work schedule has to do with her participation? He is giving you a heads-up that it might be a problem, but what does that have to do with her? I think you’re being unnecessarily hard on her and not seeing anything she’s done wrong here at all. Hopefully his schedule works out and everyone can be there to help you celebrate!
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    It sounds like this area lot of things adding up to you being frustrated about the party and her boyfriend not coming.
    It can be hard with new employment - there are so many jobs that are pretty abusive and supervisors enjoy denying time off. If a place wanted to see a physical invitation in order to get time off, to me that’s a sign of a pretty toxic work environment - if you are requesting time off in advance for a non emergency, you shouldn’t have to prove it’s a good enough reason. It’s not bereavement leave that’s truly unplanned - he either has the time off available or he doesn’t.

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  • Ariel
    Devoted October 2021
    Ariel ·
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    I think having the boyfriend and her let you know by the RSVP date is fair. If he can’t attend she can walk down the aisle on her own. If they both can’t attend then they can’t attend. If they don’t let you know by your requested date you can say “I haven’t received a commitment from you so I’m assuming you aren’t participating/attending” and proceed accordingly. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day in 10 years will it matter if her boyfriend was there or not?
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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    So she walks by herself or two bridesmaids walk with one groomsman. They've made as much of a commitment as he can, considering his work schedule. You've determined that you've been understanding, but everyone here is telling you you're not.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2020
    Katie ·
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    Hi Christina! I think you’re being very understanding and trying to meet her halfway. Some individuals have no idea just how stressful planning a wedding is. I totally get if he started a new job and sometimes paid time off accrues after the employee has worked for x many months or so. With friends, I was raised that if you commit to something, you follow through. Short of course of family emergency, etc.


    If I were in your shoes, give it a bit more time, but I would be cautious as this friend seems to be treating you like an option, not a priority. Not cool on her part.
    Good luck to you and no matter what happens, I wish you a wonderful wedding ❤️❤️❤️
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  • J
    Judith ·
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    You refer to him repeatedly as the boyfriend, as she is your friend not his. Why is he in the bridal party? So he does not walk with her or or sit with her? He is not your friend, she is . This part is bizarre. I have never heard heard of a boyfriend go unless he was a great friend of the groom and wife a friend of tjgû
    Ok
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  • J
    Judith ·
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    Sorry, interrupted. He is not needed.bachelore[s
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with this. The events leading up to the wedding are optional for the wedding party. Plus some people work at places that give them a hard time about taking off. I work for a company that operates 24/7. We are short staff and so we are all working 6 days 12 hour shift. And we get a different day off each week and sometimes the schedule changes in the middle of the week. I worked at my job for 10 years and took 2 weeks off from work for my wedding and it was like pulling teeth to get off. I had to provide proof of my honeymoon and when I get back I have to give them proof of my marriage certificate. It's ridiculous but thats how some companies are. I get being upset but unless she is taking a vacation during your wedding and that's why she isn't coming I wouldn't let it get to you.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    By the time October rolls around, he should be off of the probation period. Most employers don’t give final schedules until 4 weeks out. So he could easily request a day off in October or his schedule rotated to have that day off if he asks now.
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Also not just that, but some companies give new employees one pto day when they start. And they can use it to request off but because they are new they have zero seniority so anyone can bump him out of his day. Plus right now is very difficult to use pto days especially as a new employee because most jobs a so short staffed and everyone is on overtime.
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  • P
    Devoted April 2023
    Peyton ·
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    I think you are being very reasonable. Give it a little more time. Do not reimburse your friend. Give her and her boyfriend until the RSVP deadline to decide.

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  • J
    Judith ·
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    In food service/ catering, teaching, nursing and PT ever single job I have ever had required at least 28-30 days except for a bride and groom.
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  • Steph
    Dedicated May 2022
    Steph ·
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    While I fully understand wanting to be nice and accommodating, I do not think it’s your responsibility to reimburse anyone for anything. That is on them that they made a prior commitment to be in your wedding party and due to a new job or whatever the excuse is they now can’t do it. I am a HR manager and I have had many new hires that disclose of prior engagements or vacations and it’s completely excusable as long as it’s mentioned or requested in advance.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I think you've responded really well so far to this situation. I don't think you need to reimburse her, only really necessary if the person gets kicked out of the WP.

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  • Miranda Landry
    Dedicated May 2022
    Miranda Landry ·
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    She made the commitment of being a bridesmaid knowing the responsibilities that would come with it. If she can’t make time for any bridesmaid duties, then I would kindly tell her that she can’t be apart of the wedding party, but can still attend as a guest. It’s unfair to include her in such a big part of your day for her not to make a commitment on her part. They had plenty of notice to give their work and if they aren’t willing to request off then that tells you how important they find you. I’ve had this same issue with one of my bridesmaids who I was even considering making my maid of honor, but I left that title up in the air when she told me she would have issues committing to events and buying her dress along with the rest of the bridesmaids because she may not even be able to attend the wedding. I told her, “if the duties of being a bridesmaid are too much for you at this point in your life, I’d understand and we’ll still have fun. In order for you to be a bridesmaid, I’d need to know you’ll be able to commit to these events because they’re important to me.” Long story short, I cut that tie before it could become an issue and I’d spend even more unnecessary money on her and she may be coming as a guest.
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