Brides - what exactly do you want from us MOG's ?????

I really dont expect anything from the MOG prior to the wedding but if I did I would be specific and ask for what I wanted. I do need my FMIL to help with some stuff day of, prior and after but not any help planning. I would like to think your FDIL would let you know when your help is needed. In the meantime you get to sit back, watch the process and offer your help only as needed. Oh and I think its really nice of you to offer help and money and equally nice that you kept quiet about the heavy dress thing.

Awww, be all sweet and considerate like you! Boy, I would just try to explain where you are coming from - that you don't want to step on any toes but that you are there for support as necessary. It sounds so nice!

I think it's very sweet you want to be helpful in the right way! My husband's mother told us a million times to let her know if we needed help, but (to us, at least), we felt it was our responsibility and not hers to do wedding "chores" so we just told her we would let her know if we needed anything. Really we just wanted her to attend our wedding and have an awesome time! I did invite her dress shopping with me b/c her daughter did not have a traditional wedding so she didn't get to do a lot of that MOB type stuff and I thought she'd enjoy it. She was going to come but unfortunately was sick and unable to go. She did make the shower though, which was AWESOME and of course the wedding. I went shopping with her for her dress for the wedding as well. She gave us a check for the rehearsal dinner to put toward however we wanted to do it.

I wasn't there for the convo with your son but maybe the way "just tell me how much you need" was said, but perhaps it came off strangely OR perhaps they just don't want to TELL you a number. What my MIL and my parents did is say "here is a check for what we can give you. spend it the way you wish" So we didn't have to "negotiate" or anything. They came to us, we graciously accepted and thanked them, and went from there.

One difference though is my MIL is a few hours away. She may have been able to participate more if she was closer but really, my mother didn't do much either! She came to some fittings and with me to a florist because DH was out of town when I went.

In summary, be available, keep offering help, don't be insulted when it's decline (it's probably not personal), and attend what you can. If you wish to help financially, take the lead and give them the amount you are comfortable with, or a specific item you will pay for (e.g, Rehearsal Dinner up to $2k, or the DJ, or something like that). If you have a preference for things like mother/son dance song, let them know!

Hope this helps!

The MOG is planning our rehearsal dinner and that's mainly it, so far. I wouldn't be put off if she tried to plan more, but I don't really expect her too either.

Are you wanting to be more involved? Just ask her if there's anything you can do from research to ideas. If my MOG asked me right now, I'd gladly have her try to find an officiant because it's been so hard for me to find one in iur area!

Every bride is different but I bet there's a less than thrilling task she would love help with.

My MIL gave advice - never unsolicited though! - discussed plans, helped assemble invitations, gathered addresses for her relatives, made cookies for the dessert table, brought my dress to the venue for me and planned the rehearsal dinner. She and FIL also helped pay for the honeymoon.

I kep her involved through the process. I figured it was better to occasionally butt heads than to exile her.

Have you asked your son flat out what he would like you to do?

may not solve the problem, but it could help.

as for trying to figure out what people want, I've kind of given up on finding the perfect answer for that question.

myself, I'd like to just have people ask if I need help, then we could discuss it and see what needs to be done where.

based on what I've seen on this site everyone is different in what they want and need.

best I can say is that maybe you just need to have a talk with your son to see if there's a problem that isn't being talked about. seems like in families there usually is.

My FMIL told me the other week we should save our money and go the courthouse. "Look at what you could do with all the money you will end up spending" speech really irritated me. She has not so much as said "congrats or welcome to the family". She did however give me nice home made tote bag, blanket and stocking for Christmas, I love all 3 of them. Honestly I would talk to your son and his bride and find out what you could help with. You seem like a model MIL, unlike the one I am getting. She could be worse though, see other gals posts.

She may just to like to do things on her own like I do, I enjoy talking wedding and explaining things but personally I like to do everything on my own. So sometimes it makes it awkward when people offer since you want to be nice, but still tell them you don't like/want that. She sounds like she may be in a similar boat - just likes to do her own things on her own time. I would continue what your doing - sit back, and maybe ask your son if there is anything you can do instead of her?

Good luck!

You guys are right. I need to quit stressing over this and enjoy it. Here I was thinking she was being over sensitive and really it was me. Thanks for the new perspective !

I wish my MOG was like that. Every time MOG sees something we do for our wedding she tells FSIL who is getting married before us so it is going to look like I copied my own ideas! FMIL did go dress shopping with me which I really appreciated though especially because my mom didn't.

It sounds like your son and his bride aren't really on the same page on how you should be involved. He wants you to feel included, but she wants more independence. . .

In my own experience, everyone seems to want to help with the fun, creative stuff, like deciding decor and picking dresses, but no wants to help with the actual "chores"-- picking things up, dropping things off, etc. if my FMIL was in a position to help, that's the kind of help I'd want.

Hmmmm...in an ideal world my MOG would...

-try her best to see our perspective on things before criticizing...and if she really can't see where we are coming from and she thinks an idea is awful AND will negatively impact guests, then genuinely ask us why we want it that way, acknowledge our perspective, and then explain her worries (so i don't need to know that she doesn't like the colours, for example, since that doesn't really affect anyone)

-if she can contribute then offer and provide a set amount of money up front with no strings

-attend all pre-wedding events without fussing (and if something is a challenge figure it out and don't complain, unless there's a legitimate issue)

-provide contact info for family members in a timely manner when it's requested

-ask me and FH if there are any tasks with which she can help - and accept the answer if it's "not right now"

ahhhh...if only....

I don't EXPECT anything from my FMIL (I don't expect anything from anyone except my FH). If she wants to help with something, I would be happy for any help she would offer. I just don't want to overload anyone with tasks. It sounds like your son and his fiancee haven't really discussed what role you should take, it may be worthwhile to sit down with them and have an honest discussion with them to figure out where you can help and how you can be helpful. I hope your FDIL appreciates that you want to help without being overbearing.

Stella, I'm an older bride and we can afford our own wedding. That being said, I love the suggestions you've made. Unfortunately, my future parents in-law have both passed away, so I am not blessed with my mother in-law's interference. I wish she here to help. My own mother lives in Canada, so she can't be here either. I think the best thing is to pick ONE part of the planning that you can help out with. Personally, I am counting on my friends and family to ensure that I have a stress free day on the actual day of the wedding. I need them to make sure the gifts get to the right place and to host the cocktail hour while I'm having pictures taken. I would LOVE to have flip flops and welcome bags...by the way.

Barbara makes a great point. I had plenty of people who wanted to pick out flowers and talk about cake. After a while the opinions were less helpful and more overwhelming.

My IL's were rock stars with the stuff that was less glamorous - bringing my dress from my apartment to the venue, making sure everyone had a boutonniere, stuffing invites, taking gifts back to the hotel, etc. It was awesome.

I think what your son means by saying he doesnt want a banker, he wants a mom is that he wants you to be there when they have questions, need advice, and to talk if the planning becomes overwhelmed for him and her. He wants you to be there for them. I think he doesnt expect you to just throw money at them or supply them with things . But that is my idea after reading your post for advice. I know that I dont want help from my mother in law with plans for the wedding. I just want her to show up and support us. That may sound rude, snobish or mean. I love my future mother in law, we get along, we talk on facebook, text, and phone. But having her help that much and intently I feel that with me, my mom, and bridesmaids there are already too many hands in the pot of organization. I do admit, I have OCD... so too much is a panic attack for me. Good luck!! Just be there, for them.

Going to a bridal show and bringing back samples would kinda put me on edge and might make me feel like you are a little overbearing.

Keeping quiet on everything isn't good either. If it is legitimately a bad idea (extra long, heavy, high neck dresses for a beach wedding in Florida) might be something to say "the dresses are gorgeous but aren't you worried about the heat" (or something) might have been good to point out. If I am doing something that is really a bad idea I would want it nicely pointed out.

Just to add--just because you're a woman with a son who's marrying a woman doesn't mean that your involvement has to be just with the bride. I'd try to focus your interactions on your son. Don't exclude your future daughter-in-law, by any means, but right now, it sounds like everything you've tried to get involved in is bride stuff.

As an example, my (awesome) future in-laws have asked lots of questions about the wedding (in a good way), and they've offered to help us out. But it's always asking both of us, mostly their son, about the wedding, and offering help to him. My future mother-in-law hasn't been trying to do dress shopping with me (although she would have likely come if we'd asked), she's not going to expos without me, etc.

So, focus on your son. Treat this as his/their wedding. Not *HERS ALL HERS* wedding.

If you can, deal with any issues on your side of the family (collecting addresses for them, any random family stuff--my MIL was really supportive when DH and I were trying to figure out how to tell his uncle and cousin that they needed special chairs since they each weigh 500 lbs and our caterer said they'd break the normal chairs).. If you're dealing with the rehearsal dinner, get input from them but plan it yourself so they don't need to worry. Stuff like that. My MIL was good about most of this stuff-- she asked us about guests and any food concerns with the rehearsal dinner and then planned it at a great place that DH and I had never been to.

I consider my future mother in law to be amazing! She has been supportive and excited for us. If that's all she did, I'd still feel super fortunate.

Since I live abroad and away from my family, she came dress shopping with me and then ended up paying for my dress and alterations. She really didn't need to, but it was super nice of her. They are also flying over to Canada with us for the wedding, attending all the events and is just really positive about everything. I appreciate her positivity and excitement as it makes me feel loved and welcomed, and that means more to me than anything else.