Brides - what exactly do you want from us MOG's ?????

Congratulations and thank you for really caring about your son and future daughter-in-law!

I think the most helpful thing my future in-laws have done/said was 'we'll be happy to give lots of advice about anything and an opinion if you want it, but it's your day and we just want to make it happen for you'. Since I'm getting married down where my fiance (and his parents) live and don't know the area, I will definitely be taking them up on the advice. But it certainly took the pressure off to know that they don't have a specific view of how things 'should' be.

Maybe two words would be 'support' and 'freedom'. Hope that's helpful!

My FMIL told me at the start she will just stay out of the planning unless I let her know exactly what I need. So far, it's worked out really well!

In my case, she lives 3+ hours away so it's not like she's nearby to be involved all the time. Whenever I talk to her I give her updates (I thought FH was, but he was giving her incorrect information) and my mother keeps in contact with her as well.

My advice to you is just to let them know you're there to help and if they need anything to ask you specifically.

Unless i ask specifically for something, i dont want his mom involved. She really over stepped some boundaries with me- like going to the florist and making changes. So now, i kind of want her to have nothing to do with the wedding but the rehersal dinner. They are supposed to pay for/ buy the liquor and maybe the bus. But honestly I am prepared to step in and pay.

For me it would have been better if she asked me what I wanted, instead of telling me what SHE wanted.

I probably would have been bothered by my FMIL giving me samples from a bridal show. I think for me the most important thing is to understand that it's their day. I also agree with another post that said her in laws have a cheque for what they could afford. I think it's awkward to ask for a certain amount. I personally want to include my FMIL on some smaller things but would prefer to be left alone until I'm ready to do those things

I think it's sweet that you want to be involved. I think most brides like contributions that are no strings attached. Show up for the bridal shower and the rehearsal dinner. I would ask her, is there anything that you aren't enjoying to plan that I can help with? For me, I loved that my mom helped me acquire the addresses for the invites. It was my least favorite part of the planning.

I love my FMIL but I would like her to respect our decisions whether she likes them or not. I will want her advice &opinions but only when I ask her. I really don't want help from anyone unless I ask. It might seem mean but I don't need the extra stress and opinions.

MoG ~

Please just keep loving her like your own daughter. I don't have a mom to help and I wouldn't really ask her for help anyway. However, I do miss the love and the hugs and just knowing someone is there for me to talk to. If you would like to give her and your son something, perhaps a check before the wedding or after the wedding. Don't offer, just give as a gift with sincere love and hugs!

I think it's really nice that you're looking to be the best MOG you can be! If you haven't figured it out yet from all of the opinions, everyone wants something different, so I think you'll have to ask. Try to phrase it in a way that says you're happy to be as involved or uninvolved as they want AND give examples of things you're willing to do so they don't think it's just the fun things, like Barbara mentioned. I would love 1) for my FMIL to be excited for us and ask how things are going (she's not unexcited, she just never talks about it) and 2) to include her, but I never know what she wants to or is willing to help with. You could send them an email for example that says, "I'd be happy to help in anyway you need, such as stuffing invitations or dropping things off to the venue. But I also understand if you'd like to do it yourself. Just let me know!"

I think you're right - that in some ways this is walking a tightrope. Every bride has a different definition of what they want, but I am so touched that you care enough to ask this question! All I want from the MOG (and from my own mother) is for them to be interested in the wedding. I want them to ask questions about how things are going, what am I working on right now, are there any decisions I'm wrestling with, etc. I want to excitedly show them the invitations I picked out, or pictures of the two flower girl dresses I'm deciding between. I want to whine about how things cost more than they should, and legitimately weigh the pros and cons of wedding favors! Most of the time all I want is positive comments about decisions I've already made (and for someone to share my excitement), but genuine feedback about things that are still up in the air. I had wanted the MOG to be involved in a lot more things with me, but she was out of the country for 6 weeks early in my engagement and that is when most of the big things happened (e.g., dress shopping) given that we have a pretty short engagement. I think maybe that made her feel like I didn't want her advice and she has been very hands off so far, although she did provide me with addresses quite quickly. Bottom line is I want both mothers to offer to help, but let me decide what I want help with. Offering specific tasks might not work as well as just saying "I'd like to be as involved as you'd like me to be - what can I do to be helpful to you?"

Stella - it sounds like you're doing just fine. Offering to help and then standing back to wait for a response is the perfect balance. Let HER come to YOU to ask for things. If she doesn't, then that's on the bride. But if she does come to you, and you are able to help, then you are awesome!

Honestly, simply making yourself available and supporting the process is more than a bride could ask for. You sounds like you'd be an awesome MOG.