Bridal Party Ruining My Experience

I thought the same thing in the beginning and wonder why I was so excited and everyone else was just kinda like shut up already we will get to it when the time comes and now they are more involved with it getting closer

I’m sorry that you’re going through that.

Unfortunately a lot of people on here are going to say that all your bridal party has to do is show up ...

I totally understand where you’re coming from. They should be more supportive and you’re justified to feel the way you do. I hope things get better.

So, for my best friend and I - we were so excited for the other that planning and preparing for events came naturally. For me,

a bridesmaid doesn’t just show up and that’s why I go the extra mile if I’m ever in a bridal party, but I know not everyone has the same expectations or beliefs. That said, I have noticed that finances tend to sour friendships when it comes to weddings to the point where I’d say it isn’t worth it to insist on a pair of shoes or a HMUA. It will cost you a friend. Should it be that way? No, but it is. Chances are some of your friends are feeling resentful, for some they may be spending all they have to be part of your day, but it’s coming across as you wanting more than they can give. “Now she wants me to throw her a bridal shower, too!?” Maybe you already asked and gave them the dollar amount in advance, but some may just be agreeing because they see others are agreeing. I would plan your own bachelorette and ask your mom if she was considering a bridal shower. Additionally, would look into ways to make their participation in your bridal party more convenient and cost-effective for them. $600, before cost of dress alterations, wedding gift, hosting events, and travel is kind of expensive - even for me and I’m someone who would pay. When my friend was in a bridal party, she said the MOH lost it over the cost of dress alterations and stopped speaking to the bride after the wedding. If you’re having difficulty getting them to answer or pay deposits I think that speaks for itself.

I totally understand your frustration Lynn. My people are the same way, except they weren't really asked to do much of anything. They both told me the wrong dress size because they were both thinking they were skinnier than they actually are, and so they made me order them.... one had her dress a size too small and the other had hers ordered 2 sizes too small. I told them when I ordered and paid for them that if they didn't fit, they would absolutely have to get their own alterations. But I know that is just an excuse for one of them.... shes been pissed off the entire time and just ugly to me from the beginning making horrible comments. When I tried to tell her she didn't have to be in the wedding party and I would be happy for her just to come that day, she retorted with acting all offended. So I let it go...but still, I have had no contact with her since. Now shes only being communicated with through the MOH and refuses to respond to my texts or calls. So childish. The MOH is very blah also, and is "frustrated" with me all the time. I have not asked for hardly anything at all from them. I think this wedding stuff just isnt MOH's thing and she feels stuck in the middle...but she still just throws her hands up at the littlest thing when I ask her to help me. I think sometimes women just get SO jealous and SO selfish that they cannot see that they are making someone they care about miserable with their behavior. It's not fair for sure. I definitely sympathize.

View Quoted Comment I get that. I did suggest to wait till
after the holidays.

I am seeing lots of *touchy* comments on this one.
I understand the difficulties of a bridal party. And I don't think it is fair for people to say that bridesmaids ONLY buy their dress and show up. What would the point of having a bridal party be if they weren't involved in helping you? After all, they are your closest supporters right?
I asked my FH's Aunt's FW to be a bridesmaid and FH and I are getting married almost an entire year before them but she has been barely any help because she cares more about her own wedding. All i've asked is for opinions and she blows me off.
My man of honor has been a big help but my bridesmaids are just kind of checked out and it is icredibly frustrating. This is important to me so they should act like it.
I think you should make that clear to your bridesmaids. You have a lot going on and the least they could do to support you is do as you ask.

View Quoted Comment I feel you there, completely. I hope my situation doesn't get that far.
I am 60-70% sure one of my bridesmaids will back out before the big day. We have a year to go so anything could happen. And while I have always been a good friend to her, she hasn't always been good to me.

View Quoted Comment Taking care of their own hair and makeup, are part of the deal for bridesmaids. But if the bride wants pro hair or make-up, she pays. Free or their regular ( far cheaper than on site) hairdresser fees to do their own. But before asking them to buy a dress, did you ask their max amount they could pay, and stick to that? Someone else's wedding is not something you should have to save more than a month or two for. Even if you gave them a year and a half notice, they still would only pay a reasonable amount of their income for a dress and accessories, and a gift, and anything for a party or trip. $600 for just dress, accessories, HMU, then $200 or so in gifts, then $200 or so overhead for a shower, maximum, and spending for a bachelorette, even 4 hours one evening is fine for a close friend or family member whose 2 week take home pay after taxes and health insurance, is a thousand dollars. But are all your women making over $50,000 a year? Otherwise, a thousand total including their gifts, clothes and HMU, and every penny spent on parties, to attend or give them, is too much. Only so much of a person's budget can go to a wedding. They have holiday gifts for friends and family, birthday gifts, and may go to a couple of other weddings and need a few hundred each for gifts.

I had the BEST bridesmaid experience. Not to rub it in, but also, my ladies were awesome. A few things that helped along the way:
1. Talk to them individually instead of relying on a group message. ESPECIALLY if they all don’t know eachother. I talked to my sister (MOH) face-to-face, talked to my roommates at home, talked to my SIL when I came over and talked to my OOT bridesmaid over facetime. And never focus the conversation on you — they have lives too so you need to ask them how they’re doing!
2. Pay for almost everything. I spent $900 on hair and makeup the day of the wedding for me and 5 BMs 😱 I came out of my wedding broke, but it turned the morning of into an experience where everyone felt pampered instead of worrying about the money. And I didn’t have to bug anyone about any deadlines. I also payed for their AIRbnb the night before the wedding and their getting ready outfits. These were things I couldn’t live without but didn’t want them to feel pressured to pay for.
3. Find dresses within everyone’s budget. I’m sorry, but I would not agree to be your bridesmaid if I found out how much the dress you picked out would cost. Are you sure you gave them an exact number up front like you say? Or did you just let them know that they’d be paying for hair, shoes and dress without telling them a specific number? My girls had mismatched dresses, and they were able to pick dresses within a range of $75-120. And I think even this is kind of on the high end. For shoes, I told them to wear something nude, flats or heels. This way everyone was comfortable and most didn’t have to buy anything new.
4. Invite them to the pre-wedding festivities (dress try on etc), but don’t be upset if they decline. I quickly realized I was the only one who cared about this stuff and did pretty much everything with my mom, MIL and sister.

I have 12 bridesmaids and all of then have been super hands on. One thing that I did that i feel helped out was to ask their overall budget and I stuck to it. In other words, I took them into consideration and I think they really appreciated it. So in return they have been very supportive of me. So maybe try that approach. Best wishes to you and congratulations!

$600 is a LOT of money for someone else's wedding, and that's not even including parties/gifts.

The point is, while you're planning your wedding, aren't you taking cost into consideration? Don't you look for the best prices, maybe even cut down on things or eliminate some altogether because of cost? Of course you do. You really can't demand or expect the bridal party to spend like their dollars are unlimited.

View Quoted Comment I love this. 😂

View Quoted Comment This should be the first thing people have to read when they join WW. There should be a test before posting privileges are granted! Way to go!!!

View Quoted Comment

Yeah this makes it 100% worse and I feel even less bad for you than I did before. If you spent $55,000 dollars on your wedding and couldn't bother to fit like $1000 of that HUGE budget towards the hair and makeup for your bridesmaids - YOU are in the wrong. I certainly would be less excited as a bridesmaid to know you had the money to spend like that yet wanted me to pay over $600 for dress, shoes, and HAMU.

My wedding budget is 25K, I have budgeted for my bridesmaids HAMU, they need to buy a $100-150 dollar dress (they get to pick the style so the dress varyings a little in price by style) and need to wear black shoes which they likely already have. I'm fully hosting my guests - I cut costs on my dress, flowers, and other non guest centric things to fit what I wanted into that budget without putting the cost on my friends.

My sister got married in August, she had 8 bm, we had the same issues. I was her maid of honor and we as in the bridal party agreed to throw her bridal shower and I had such a hard to getting them to respond to text messages. We also had to pay for our dress, hair, nails, and shoes. They were not the most dependable either. I will say that no one is going to be as excited as you are for your wedding.
Now it's my turn, and because my sister had such a crappy experience, I am only having my 2 sisters and my 3 daughters. No friends or cousins. I have also assumed I would be doing most of the stuff by myself.
My dad says if you don't expect anything from people they can't let you down!!

Sorry so long

View Quoted Comment After I asked my bms and mohs... and they accepted I asked what their budget was... when we went for them to get fitted the lady gave them discounts which left a lot of room in their budgets for shoes and hair. I think their shoes are like $24. I don't care how their hair is as long as it's not wild or nappy but presentable...I left that to them. As far as nails I would do half on it since I booked my own personal nail tech so we can be in unison..and she is awesome. My girls have started brainstorming my bridal and bachelorette parties but I think they are doing a lot of diys to save on costs. I'm getting married in July. I didnt have to ask them I let them so their own thing so they didnt feel pressured or obligated to do so. Give them time and let them do it on their own but if it is too close to your wedding date and nothing has happened do what u have to do to make yourself happy...they maybe waiting until the last minute to surprise you.

View Quoted Comment I agree...you dont want them to feel pressured...that is the biggest thing. The next biggest thing is making sure that everyone is financially prepared before even deciding to ask them. One of the things I asked myself is are they always crying broke? If so eliminate them from being in the party. Asking for budgets is a main aspect because you don't want to take anyone out of their comfort zone especially when they have their own bills and families... this is your wedding not theirs... so they are only gone do so much. 600 is apt a lot of money not to add other costs which cost more than normal when you add for a wedding or the word wedding to it. The bridal shower can be costly depending on how many ppl is invited and actually come...the same goes for the bachelorette party. They are paying for this and they may or may not know the people.

I didn't involve my bridesmaids too much. I told them what dress to buy and after that, didn't really ask them wedding related things. I sent pictures of my dress when I bought it, and asked 2 questions related to wedding decisions. My MOH is in charge of bridal shower & bachelorette so I have no idea how the are responding to that. I would just not involve them and go on with planning with your fiance.

View Quoted Comment By budget is closer to 15000 and I found room to have my ladies hair/makeup done!!
I cant even fathom spending $55k on a wedding.

I’m going through the same thing with my MOH. She has let me down not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES already. Thankfully I have a saint of a matron of honor that takes control and rallys up the rest of the girls into action. But my MOH has been nothing but a disappointment. She has been saying she will do certain things but never does them. She complains about being single. She always needs to be the center of attention. I’m beyond over it. However, we are past the 6 month mark...at this point I’m letting go of all my expectations for her bc at the end of the day I’m the one that loses sleep over it—not her. I have decided that I am not going to go out of my way to try and involve her as much as I have been. She will be kept in the loop as necessary and if she wants to participate she can. I have also cut her out of doing a speech because I don’t want anything from her anymore. It’s very true that you find out who your true friends are when you get engaged. Sometimes people who you thought would always be there completely flakes out. I can tell you right now that after this wedding we are probably not going to be friends anymore and I am perfectly fine with it. Only reason why I’m not cutting her out of the bridal party is bc at this point it’s gonna do anything but cause conflict. I just want to enjoy the rest of the 5 months I have leading up to the big day with the rest of my girls who actually care. I would say: take my advice on this. Don’t trip yourself out on expectations for others...it sucks but for your sake keep it moving and focus on the aspects that matter.