Bridal Party Ruining My Experience

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It will only mess up your relationships if you let it.

RE your last line: Really? Are they doing multiple group texts? Expected to plan and/or be excited about multiple pre-wedding parties? Spend $600 each on their wedding clothes, shoes, and grooming? Planning on grooming themselves all together the morning of the wedding? Frankly, I would be shocked if any of that were true.

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I suspect that when they agreed to be your bridesmaids, they had no idea that it would cost them $600 just for the wedding day, plus whatever they spent on a shower and/or bachelorette. I've seen a lot of instances in which the BMs just had to buy $50 dresses, could wear shoes they already owned, and could do their own hair and make-up. So unless you specifically inquired about their budgets when you asked them, you can't just say that, "f money was an issue they did not have to accept the role of being my bridesmaids."

I think you need to remember why you asked them to be your brides maids. I know we all want everyone to be as excited as we are but they will not be. Maybe if you send them each a text on how you love them it may help get them excited again I do agree when they agreed on what you expected they may have not know. How much it would be. I think you should have a talk not one of you asking for money or this or that. A talk on how they are doing. If they are having trouble paying.

My three grandaughters, future cousin are my BM's, and my sister is my MOH.
In the beginning my sister was almost more excited than me. Now "nothing"! My granddaughters same, now "nothing"!
I'm doing anything myself! In a way I'm disappointed, but in another, relieved. No other opinions by mine and FH. There is enough stress already.
We didn't have an engagement party and I'm positive there will be no other parties either. I personally don't want any.
As for their attire, I've requested they all where a specific color, the length, the shoes a specific color, do their own hair and makeup. I want them to be comfortable in the clothes they wear and hopefully be able to wear them again. I don't want them to spend a great deal oc money for saying yes to be a part of my wedding. I'm honored to have them in my wedding. It's my way of showing them I appreciate what they are doing for me.
They all work and have hectic lives. As long as they show for the wedding I'm happy!!!
I know they love me and are happy for me, but I also know that right now my wedding is not a top priority to them, and I'm okay with that. As long as my FH is I'm okay!

For all those people who are saying the friends and family you ask to be a part of your wedding aren’t required to plan anything for you or be excited and show interest in your wedding, y’all are ridiculous. You’re spending a ton of money so they can celebrate with you. They should be doing whatever they can to help you and support you. There’s a reason they call it a bridesMAID. I do think that if they have a problem with cost of everything they should speak up and figure out something that works for everyone. It seems in this day and age you either get BMs who are all in and go above and beyond or they don’t do anything at all.

I get what your feeling. My girls are great as regular people but for them I’m the first to get married (their my cousins and Bestfriend) so I feel like I’m constantly trying to remind them about their dresses. In which I used cyber Monday as my reason lol “hey ladies great deal on David’s bridal today! Plus it’s only 4 months away so the nest time to order your dress would be now!!”. They all responded but no one bought their dress lol

and my maid of honor literally just mentioned bridal shower yesterday...again, we’re 4 months away lol but I was just excited to hear her talk about it and ask me for my guest list! So maybe your girls are working on it too?

$600 for a dress, hair and makeup? That is insane for one bridesmaid. I would absolutely back out. How can you expect someone to put up more money than an average car payment just to be IN your wedding? Furthermore, why would you want them to? You expect them to pay $600 just to be dressed how you want, and you’re angry they aren’t spending more money on planning events for you? That’s amazing.

View Quoted Comment This. $600 is usually my budget for a wedding including gift/shower/bachelorette. I wouldn’t drop out of your wedding if you asked me to spend that much on just dress, shoes, and hair but I absolutely would not be spending more money throwing additional optional parties

Here's my two cents.
It really SHOULD be you and your FS planning the wedding. It's a good test of relationship and compromise between the two of you.
I don't think its ridiculous to expect the wedding party to only show up. It's not their wedding, they're not going to be as excited as you. Their lives shouldn't have to revolve around your wedding. AT. ALL. People have their own things they need to take care of....kids, work, family, personal expenses.
If people offer to help, it's okay to let them. But to demand the bridesmaids do XYZ for you is a little much. They are paying a lot of money on the basics for you it seems and, were I in their shoes, i probably wouldn't offer to host more parties that arent mandatory for you, that gets expensive. And maybe they didnt realize how much this would be costing them when they said yes. You also shouldnt be planning your own bridal shower. It's not good etiquette.

View Quoted Comment You are confusing the old english word for an unmarried girl ("maid" or "maiden") with the modern word for female servant/help "maid." A bridesmaid was traditionally an unmarried girl close in relationship with the bride, not a servant to the bride.

No one is required to do anything. However, most friends and family do get involved and are excited. But to get bent out of shape when it doesn't happen makes the bride come across as a bridezilla.

Also, it is terrible logic to equate the cost of a wedding to the amount of help they should offer. That is like saying if you go on a date and he buys the lobster then you're expected to sleep with him. Nope. Neither scenario requires the beneficiary to be indebted to the benefactor.

I can relate to your experience Lynn. When I got engaged people were happy for me but nobody was really as excited as I THOUGHT they should/would be. Now that I'm at the 6 month mark, I frankly don't care. I'm not even as excited as I was in the beginning! Weddings are expensive, time consuming and expensive again. I also learned that you can expect people to drop everything and meet your expectations for your wedding. To lower my stress, I delegated the work of getting the BMs together to my oldest sister. I have removed myself from the equation and will only participate in the fittings/selection of dresses and that is it. I'm spending my time working on the things I can control which are my vendors. Good Luck!

View Quoted Comment Nobody said anything about being indebted. All I’m saying is the bride and groom usually put a lot of money into their wedding and for someone to get “bent out of shape” over spending a little money that they were told about before agreeing to be a bridesmaid is ridiculous. I’m from the Midwest and here it’s all about hospitality and helping people out. I don’t think her girls should cater to her by any means, however if you agree to be a part of something this monumental in someone’s life you should be all in or all out. You can literally find lists of what a MOH and BMs duties are and non say stand there and look pretty. By the way your scenario is very left field.

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Thank you. What I noticed about the people on this site is they think its crazy for the wedding party to pay for ANYTHING. In my city and state this is the normal. Our wedding is at a total of $55,000 already so it was out of the question to pay for my bridal party as well. This why they had the option to drop decline if they wanted to.

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Nowhere in my thread did I say I wanted my bridal party to pay for anything. I just wanted them to be more involved in the planning and show some excitement towards my wedding. I think everybody is so stuck on THE MONEY ASPECT that they do not understand my post. All i am asking for is them to show some involvement in the wedding that could be a simple txt, asking questions or "acting" excited. I have my family paying for my bridal party so that has never been an issue.

We are in the exact same boat and I expect for them to pay dress hair make up etc and this was clearly stated when asking them to be apart of my wedding along with estimated prices based off of where we lived. All five girls agreed. 3 I am desperately wishing and praying they drop out. However everyone has made payments even if late except for one, my best friend... anywho I sent out a group text to everyone and kindly said they could withdraw for financial or personal reasons with no further conversation and show as a regular guest. In that moment. Everyone got back excited. But it sucks that they’re not really on board. And I am bummed I won’t be having a bridal shower... my tip to you. Don’t let it stress you. Enjoy your planning. And let them straddle along. Whoever doesn’t have it by week of cut them but I refuse to stress over it.

View Quoted Comment Mine are called bridesmaids cause they are 4 ladies how are crazy special to me. No other reason.

View Quoted Comment Don't lump an entire region of the US into your idea of what's required for a wedding party member. The ONLY things that are required are to show up in the correct attire (selected within the budget they provide), smile for pictures, and to get down the aisle. Anything else is a lovely bonus. Do wedding party members often CHOOSE to do extra, absolutely.

You mention hospitality and helping out. First of all, that's not qualities limited to the midwest. Southerners claim it too. Folks from the northeast are awesome at it. In my experience though, nothing beats the the western mountain areas, and the Pacific northwest.

Second, the bride and groom can only control their choices and behaviors. They should be hospitable and helpful to their guests. They should be particularly hospitable and helpful to their guests of honor, also known as the wedding party.

The point of a wedding party is to honor your relationships with your absolute nearest and dearest friends/family. You are honoring them. It's one directional. Of course these people are your dearest because the relationships are two way, but it is unreasonable for couples to expect others to do specific things for their event.

The best way to minimize drama, frustration, disappointment, and hurt from you wedding party is to not have expectations of them beyond the actual wedding day. Then if anything at all is offered, accept it as the wonderful gift that it is.

View Quoted Comment I bet they’d say you’re “crazy special” to them too and would want to help you through this process, just like any other time you were going through something. Why is it that in life expect our friends to show up and help when we need them the most, but when it comes to weddings friends and family become nothing more than pretty faces in a line who have no obligation to help you?

I sat down with my MOH and she asked me what my vision was for this whole process and what I wanted. We decided that she would plan a bridal shower that my mom offered to pay for since my MOH is a single mom of 3 and I definitely did not want her to take on that burden. She also agreed to plan a bachelorette for me and my girls said they would chip in $50-$75 ea. We’re doing a girls trip to Chicago! We have a friend who’s going to let us crash at her place outside of the city so all the girls need to pay for is the food they eat. We went dress shopping together and originally were looking at dresses for $150 and found some for $50 on sale! I ordered all of them and are letting the girls pay me at their convenience. I was a make up artist for a while so on the day of I’ve agreed to do a couple of the girls make up and my FSIL will do the others.

Theres no reason for a bride to feel like her girls don’t care about her wedding. There’s also no reason the girls should feel like being a BM is a burden instead of a blessing. If there’s a will there’s a way.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with this...entirely. during the ups and downs of life, most of us choose the same ladies to turn to and share the excitement, but also the sadness. They are normally there for comfort and support, right? So they should be there for comfort and support during the biggest moments in your life, whether it's a wedding or the welcoming of a child. It's not a hot and cold thing. It's either you're there through it all FOR EACH OTHER or you're not there at all. Friends with MoH 9 years, BM C 15 years, and BM A for 3 years. MoH will be fully hands on after her wedding (which is today in another state but my son has strep throat so no attendance from us), BM A has been 100% supportive other than her body consciousness, and BM C is being extremely difficult. 3 months out and I've been super lenient, but I am getting ready to set deadlines and if those are not met, replacements will be made.

View Quoted Comment This sounds to me like a difference in expectations, not anyone being unsupportive, as you see BM, or you being deliberately pushy, as they likely see you. . . For over 12 years now, reality tv and the wedding industry have been pushing this idea of a wedding team, chosen by the bride, who are cheerleaders and a bride activity planning commission rolled into one. Suits the wedding industry: Proven fact, the longer brides actively plan, the more people they get involved, and the more totally unnecessary things you convince the bride are absolutely must have things, the more money they spend. Why the cost of average weddings in 15 years has gone up 100% even through a 4 year recession, while wages and other income has gone up 15-20%. . . You clearly expect, all this stuff is how it is supposed to be. It is not. For generations on end, and at least 2/3 of the upscale ( not home, park, court weddings) I have been in, over 50 through the years, and an other 100+ involved in, much of what you want, does not happen. Never used to happen. And most people do not expect, when asked to be in a wedding, that all this stuff will be dumped on them. Not from the media push more style you expect, but traditionally : BM are announced at 9 months or less, usually. There is absolutely nothing a bridesmaid or MOH needs to do before 5 months before the wedding, when they look at dresses, which are ordered at 4 months or less before the wedding ( they come in in 2weeks to 3 months.). . . Brides may invite a friend, BM or other, or family members, so that 1-2 shop with a bride, but never a large group. That started with TV. Planning is B and G responsibility, and parents if they are paying. Not bridal party. Some good friends or family often help, if they have time and money. But no way that brides should expect it, that is like demanding a gift, and makes people resent the bride as pushy. Any bride who expects constant communication for tge whole time is pushy. Bosses supervise and keep in constant weekly or monthly contact. Not brides. Brides who push anyone to shop for dresses are pushing things way ahead, and more BM will not do it, than will. Those who know better, know that doing it early means some will change sizes, and end up paying $200 for a dress, then $250 to have it altered, which makes people mad if the bride pushed them early. . . When asked to be in a wedding, BM who say yes, plan to have the money for a dress by 4 months out, to order. And shoes and such, pay for in the month before the wedding. So what are all these payments, when BM need not have done anything, it is still 5 months out? Barely time to start choosing things, unless you pushed to be early. . . As for showers, any friend, or BM, or MOH, or any female relative of the bride, or MOG, Aunts of G, can give a shower. If bride has chosen her best and longest known friend as MOH, she likely will volunteer, to help or do it, if she has interest, time, and money. But no one in the BP has it as a responsibility. It is not work, they do nit have anything in a job description. BP agrees to get a dress in time (order around 4 months, rehearse if they are close by, and show at least am hour before the wedding, groomed and dressed. They need not plan or attend any showers. Brides are considers rude and greedy if they plan a party to get gifts for themselves. Usually someone will volunteer to give a party, but if you act disappointed in BP, you are in the wrong. . Bachelorettes have existed in some areas, in limited groups, for over 20 years. They started in imitation of men's bachelor parties: A single evening, often in a bar, club, or restaurant, some for wedding guests only, but many times, open to any male friend or coworker, as well as those attending the wedding. 5-25 guys split groom's meal and drinks, together sometimes 1 gift. No bar hopping, no limos, no big events. But tv shows more and more elaborate bachelorettes. In fact, no BM or MOH can be expected to do it. If they want to they will plan one. If they do, they get to choose, what to do, where, when, like with a shower, and bride stays out of it. . . Things like only celebrities or very rich people every did, photographers doing getting ready shot, pro make-up, group pajama parties, spas, and group getting ready things are based on celebrity entourages, mostly paid people, and social hangers-on. Not BP . Same with gifts when chosen, gifts at every occasion, instead of just 1 gift at the end. . . The fact that you are upset that people have not responded to group communications, have not paid early for anything, and have not planned for parties not held until 1-3 months or less before the wedding, says your expectations are really out of line with what is traditional. And if you see your BM as unsupportive, to them you must look incredibly pushy, wanting too much. You want a tv fantasy. They want usual, real life wedding. You as bride need to adjust your expectations. Up til now, 5 months, they should not have been expected to do anything. Anyone can volunteer, but nothing should be expected. Now, in the next month or so, they may start doing things. If some 1 ir 2 want to give a small, home based shower for 10-20, with desserts and drinks, that can be planned in a week, 2 weeks for calling or sending invitations, so the whole process may take a month. To happen weeks or 3 months before the wedding, they have months yet. And here you are violating all rules if polite manners, and planning your own party to get gifts. How do you think that makes your Bridal party feel? Perhaps they see you as expecting too much, to soon, and that is a resentment that shows. Cool it. And forget the fantasy life of unreality tv.Most people on this site or the knot come here to view dresses, wedding venues, gifts, and buy things to match a vision. But most of the country is not part of that. Your bridesmaids are fine, they just are not in the fantasy mode, they are more traditional. You chose them because of what they mean to you, not for things they could do for you. I hope. And so far, nothing you say is something you have an right to expect. Enjoy it when people volunteer to do things, in their proper time. . I am not against parties and stuff. I have volunteered to give a shower, alone or with help, for every wedding I have been in , age 14-37, except 2 when in the Army. And make gowns and do alterations often as a gift, i.e.: not for money , just to be nice. And have participated in as many showers when not in BP, just as friend or family. So I am not against wedding stuff. But against media driven expectations that divide brides and their friends and family, who do mot have these fantasies, but ate doing everything traditional. 😊