Black Tie Optional Reality?

@Kelsey Anne, please don't call me "honey". It's diminutive and condescending.

Aw, sorry. I was posting under the "Advice" of "Etiquette and Advice" more than anything. The question I asked was on data and attire, not on preference. I'm sorry if it was taken that way, but hope I'm clarifying now. I appreciate your time, and I also hope no one I invited feels uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I think something is "a thing" if it exists, whether someone tries to claim to be an expert or not. I mean, I believe the world is round, but there's an entire Flat Earth Society. Not agreeing doesn't really make something not "a thing."

@July, I'm with you girl. In my experience, people really do dress up a little more. I picked a way nicer dress than I normally would have worn out of my closet because of the notation of dress code, so I hope that works out for you well.

As for some others, maybe people need to understand what the word condescending means and take a look at their own tone. Or, as the expert @Jacks suggested, you could "look it up".

@Kelsey now, now

I dislike being misquoted. I never suggested that I'm an expert, I have been around a long while so yes I have experience, but another poster referred to me in that capacity. Also yes, I said "look it up", regarding the 10 or so criteria for black tie events. I didn't feel like typing it all out for you and at this point I'm glad I didn't bother.

It's not a real thing, which is why you can't find it. Just because people do it doesn't make it right.

It's either black tie, with all the provisions (by the host) that are required, or it's not.

@Sarah, as Jacks says, I don't feel like typing it all out for you. I believe in God. Some people don't. That is exactly a Thing to plenty of people. Whole wars are fought about it. Black tie optional is a thing. It means it's a formal event. We're providing luxury services. Most folks will dress up. I just was curious about general, broad statistics. If some folks aren't into that, that's their right. I was just asking and appreciate folks who contributed.

@OGJaci, I see how you read that. I meant, what is the statistical breakdown of how people dress when invited to black tie optional events, given that many guests invited are folks we know own very formal attire. I'm sorry this turned into such a big thing. It was simple curiosity.

I have definitely seen black tie optional. Whether it's technically correct, I don't know. But as a woman, I would dress the same as I would to any other wedding (mostly because I don't really like wearing long gowns), which is formal. I do agree that you should avoid using the phrase simply because it's not necessary. If a man wants to wear a tux instead of a suit, he will regardless of whether the invitation indicates "black tie optional."

What on earth are you talking about?

Black tie optional does not exist. Black tie is tuxedos, specific levels of service and vendors. It's not code for "we want you to dress nicer that we think you will."

Thanks, Soon. That, at least, makes sense.

@Celia, what are you talking about? You're literally making up what you think, and it doesn't connect to what I said in any way. Just the opposite, in fact.

Okay, fine. If black tie optional is a thing, then it's a half-ass thing. And you should never half-ass anything. Always use your whole ass and then just do black tie.

If I got an invite that said black tie optional I would take it as cocktail attire. DH doesn't have a tux and would hate wearing one plus it's not really in the budget so I would have him wear his best suit and I would wear a nice dress. If I got an invite that said black tie, I would likely decline unless it was someone super close (though I can't see anyone close to us having a black tie wedding). To me I really don't see a huge issue with saying black tie optional because it likely will make some people feel ok going who might not come if it said black tie only though I would only put it on the website as an FAQ and not mention anything on the invite.

I think what the OP Has referred to only obliquely is that she's already sent the invitations with "black tie optional" and now wants to justify/validate her decision. Correct me if I'm wrong OP, but the invitations are out, right? Not that any of us would have known that at the beginning....

Lol, Antonia. I should have. I did not. Appreciate the meme, truly.

OP, it's a great life motto. Whole ass it on everything else though.

Invitations are out. I never meant anyone to be offended. I wanted to clarify formality for anyone who may not know (there are some folks I love dearly but they would never guess from an invitation style), and let others who may not afford it still feel welcome. I meant well, sincerely. I was just curious, as we draw closer to the day, how this may look.

We have been to a number of black tie optional weddings. What I've observed is that among the guys, everyone who owns a tux wears one (because how many occasions do you get?), so really it's dependent on the mix of your guests. Sounds like your crowd is tuxedo-heavy, so I'd draw a conclusion from that. Among the women, i usually have seen an even split between long gowns and cocktail-length dresses. Hope this helps a little!

If your crowd is as affluent as you imply, op, then receiving "black tie optional" invitations when, in reality, no such thing exists and they KNOW this, you'll probably either get people showing up just to see a shitshow of bumbling that they'll expect from someone who obviously doesn't understand levels of formality, OR they'll decline, confused as to why you would assume they couldn't dress themselves for a formal, NOT black tie wedding.

Either way, you lose, and your nearest and dearest end up thinking you're clueless.

@mna, a really clueless crowd might feel that way. Folks who understand they're part of a more diverse crowd won't. Thanks for your opinion, though.