Baby at my wedding - she didn't even ask

3 month old baby doesn’t cost you money, will not leave mom’s/dad’s lap, cannot make a mess at the wedding (like some unruly older kids), and can barely cry loud enough to interrupt anything. Baby this small will likely sleep for big parts of the day anyway.
Telling a new mom to pump milk, leave her 3-month old with a nanny/family, or anything of that nature, is not your place, so I’d strongly advise against it.
You have 2 options here: let her bring her newborn, or not have her come. You cannot request her to come without a baby that small, if she is not comfortable with that. So pick the option that’s more important to you & that’s that.
Reading your comments as a neutral party, it sounds like you don’t care that much about this friendship, you are more concerned with being annoyed about her not asking you, than about whether she is capable of complying with your requirement & you sound ok with sacrificing your 20-year friendship over this. So it sounds like you made your choice 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a sitter of 5 years I know first hand how hard it can be for a parent to leave a newborn even if it’s with a trusted sitter or family member. It can also be very difficult for a infant to get use to a bottle and can refuse to eat or sometimes the infant loves the bottle and the mother has a hard time breastfeeding him or her in the future. I don’t know your friend and if she does this already daily but pumping enough milk since baby’s that young need to be fed on command which normally wastes a lot of milk (some mothers are very attached to their milk especially if it’s hard for them to produce it) it can sometimes be hard for parents some people can’t produce extra to store away and feed them later and so breast feeding is really the only way to feed the child. Another thing I would like to mention is if your wedding day is very long she will have to bring her pumping gear and find a place to pump at your wedding but will probably go to the car and pump there making her miss parts of the wedding and not be fully present since she will be wanting to be with her baby. I think you should make an exception for this baby especially since they are very young and it really is best for them to be with their mother.

View Quoted Comment Yes! This!

I agree with Emily! We are having no children at our wedding as well. Stick to your guns because you’ve made this decision for a reason!

Lol hun. Just lol. I did not come on here to argue with a random stranger about the need for a mom to bring her nursing baby. You have a nice day now.

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How does the need to feed a three month old baby trumps her wants and desires of her event. The need to feed the baby is the mothers number one priority not the brides (friend or not) .... The brides number one priority is to have an amazing wedding and see her vision and dreams come to life. Why does she have to alter what she wants? As parents we know and realize we cant always go and do something because it is not a kid friendly environment. Those are the decisions we choose when we have kids. Sometimes we have to accept we just cant attend. So yes that baby being feed and cared for is number one priority FOR THE MOTHER. So if she is uncomfortable leaving the baby, that is understandable but then she just needs to say this event I cant make... You don't ask someone that has been planning something this special to just change it for you ( a friend at that, when she has told family NO)…. that's CRAZY!!! I would never let one of my friends bring their kids somewhere that I have told my family NO!!!

I would think you would consider yourself a Queen also on your special day!!!! As all brides should

Just revoke your invitation. If this person isn’t important enough to accommodate, then this person shouldn’t even be at your wedding in the first place. There’s definitely going to be harsh feelings between the two of you moving forward. When it comes down to it, if the person doesn’t matter to you to be at the wedding then don’t sweat this and just uninvite her because there’s no way I as a mother would leave my baby at such a young age.

Agreed... I was a teacher for 15 yrs and guess what I had 6 week old infants that I took care of which included breastfeeding mothers.

View Quoted Comment A human person’s need to eat and be nourished is objectively more important than the host of a party’s vision for her perfect event. I agree that sometimes having kids means that you can’t go to an event, which is why I said that the OP needs to understand that if she doesn’t want a baby there, which is her right, she simply has to understand that that means her friend can’t come either since it’s clear that her friend isn’t comfortable leaving the infant behind for that long. OP and some other posters seem to want to try to argue that the friend can easily just pump and leave baby behind, but that’s not fair to say and it’s no one’s place to make that choice for another mother and baby. OP has two options: allow mom and baby to come together, or allow neither to come. Both options are fine. But don’t insist that guests can or should do things that make them uncomfortable.

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View Quoted Comment I see your passion for keeping a newborn with the mother and I respect that...but from a mother who actually breastfed and has raised a healthy baby boy...it is okay to leave you baby for a few hours to attend an event...now to each its own; every mother is different and has different beliefs, but when you are attending someone else's event you have to respect their wishes and if not, then don't come period.

View Quoted Comment It’s fine to say that the mom can choose to decline the invitation, but to say that all mothers can leave their baby for a few hours to attend an event just isn’t accurate. My daughter was EBF for 6 months. At 3 months old, she would regularly cluster feed and she refused to take a bottle from anyone. Leaving her to attend an event would have meant her screaming to be fed with no ability for anyone to do anything about it.

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I can agree with this. I wasn't implying the baby eating isn't more important. I was trying to state to whom it was more important ( responsibility) but I agree with what you said those are the only options. To simple let the guest know... " I understand you are a breastfeeding mother, unfortunately I honestly just don't want no children in attendance as I have told family members as well. So if you are uncomfortable leaving the baby I understand and maybe we can celebrate at another time".... If this is a real friend she may be upset or hurt but she should be able to understand...

View Quoted Comment Danielle is exactly correct. Infants are the exception to the “no kids” rule.

View Quoted Comment I agree, to some extent. Like pps have said, yes, that person can decline the invitation. But I personally feel that a newborn is an exception to the rule. I have always thought that was a given. I would make an exception for a breastfeeding baby. OP is choosing to alienate her friend of 20 years! Her priorities in this situation baffle me.

View Quoted Comment That is your situation...not her friends and again if that is an issue then it is in her best interest to not attend, especially if the bride feels strongly about children not being there. I understand every child's needs are different but that doesn't negate the fact that the bride has the right to do what she wants at her wedding.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

It seems like there are two (probably more) major problems here: 1. The friend didn’t ASK to bring the baby just assumed she could, 2. You’re justifiably angry by the way she handled it and not seeing the situation from her point of view.

We can all discuss and disagree on this forum about whether or not she should be able to bring the baby, can pump, etc, but none of us know the actual situation. As some people has commented, she may not be able to pump enough to have a reserve for the baby while she’s gone, she may just not feel comfortable leaving the baby yet (I was still on leave when my second was 3 months and because of her medical issues hadn’t left her with anyone), the baby may not take bottles, etc, etc, etc. The only way you’re going to know the situation is by asking your friend. If it’s an important friendship, it should be important enough to talk to her about. At the end of the day, it’s your decision if you want to allow her to bring the baby, and our opinions shouldn’t matter. I understand not wanting children at your wedding and you are the only one who can decide if this situation warrants an exception. I would ask an admin to remove this thread because it’s just getting heated, and talk to your friend about it.

View Quoted Comment There is no right or wrong. Everyone's opinion is valid. But you can't disrespect the host. I don't make someone else's situation personal; so I can't say how I'd handle it if this were my friend, but I do believe that as a bride to be, I would want my guest to honor how I want my day to proceed...