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Breda
Savvy July 2019

Baby at my wedding - she didn't even ask

Breda, on June 21, 2019 at 10:46 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 72
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I know this has been discussed, but I wanted fresh advice - My friend of more than 20 years emailed that she is bringing her baby (he will be 3 months old by my wedding date) to my wedding. She said she's not ready to leave him yet and is breast feeding, and then told me she's leaving her other son with her sister. The only children coming to the ceremony are immediate family members, not cousins, etc. I'm not trying to be insensitive or rude about breast feeding mothers BUT I don't want any children at my reception - our siblings' children are not invited there. I'm annoyed she didn't even ask and was just going to bring him as well. Is it absolutely necessary for this friend to bring her child?

72 Comments

  • Alli
    Devoted May 2020
    Alli ·

    I think if she is a very good friend who you couldn't imagine not being there on your wedding day, you make an exception. If that's not the case, tell her you can't accommodate any children and you're sorry she can't attend.

  • Brianna
    Super October 2019
    Brianna ·

    Honestly, with a 3 month old baby, you probably have to expect that she will bring him. That is a newborn and most mothers, especially those who breastfeed, won't want to leave their children that early. I think it also depends on how far the ceremony is from her home, if it is super close then I would think it wouldn't be as big of a deal for her to leave him home just for a bit, but if she has to travel then I would say you'll probably have to decide how important it is to you to have her at your wedding! I don't think a conversation with her would hurt!

  • FutureMrsD
    Legend July 2019
    FutureMrsD ·

    In my opinion, newborns (or very young babies) don't really count as children since parents don't typically leave them with sitters yet. I think your other option is that she doesn't come at all.

  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·

    She is local and has family in the area. I'm annoyed she didn't even ask and just assumed I would be ok with it. I do plan to talk to her about it. There are a few hours between the ceremony and reception, and all of the celebrating is local, so there are options for her!

  • Yasmine
    Dedicated November 2019
    Yasmine ·
    I've always heard that infants are the exception with no kids rules. I'd say if you're worried about it maybe talk to her and make sure she'd take him out of he cried, etc. If she's breastfeeding its likely that she will not cone without him.
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated November 2020
    Stephanie ·

    I understand where you're coming from. However if she is breastfeeding, I believe that she could pump the night before and leave a few bottles ready. I would just ask nicely and say "I really would love for you to be there, but the wedding just isn't a place for a baby with the loud music and craziness. Is there anyway you can pump so you don't disturb his feeding schedule?"

  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·
    View Quoted Comment

    It's incredibly rude she didn't even ask or talk to me - I'm so tired of people just doing what they want when it's not their celebration!

  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I actually began writing her an email back worded this way, so thank you. I am just very against him coming. I don't mean to be a jerk, and we are very good friends, but you can leave him for a few hours. It's just not a place for kids!

  • FutureMrsD
    Legend July 2019
    FutureMrsD ·
    View Quoted Comment

    To each their own I guess. This wouldn't bother me. It doesn't affect catering, bar, dessert, or seating chart. Anyone with a young baby I would assume would come with the baby anyway.

  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    So at my ceremony I provided a childcare worker that worked for the venue. But my friend still had her baby with her and her baby was like 8 months old. I think some people just aren't comfortable leaving their babies. The baby may fuss but if your friend is quick enough to bring them outside before any disruptive crying happens it should be ok
  • Toni
    Expert November 2019
    Toni ·
    I think people would understand a 3 month old going. I wouldn’t consider that a child technically. I’m sure it will be totally fine
  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I'm just not someone who assumes and does what I want without asking, so it's frustrating to me she didn't think to ask first.

  • Futuremrsv
    Super October 2020
    Futuremrsv Online ·
    I would talk to her and explain that you arent having any other kids at the reception not even cousins, or nieces/nephews. I find it very rude when people can just assume that they can bring someone, and its rude she didnt call you and explain the situation and ask if its okay to bring the baby.
    Id say if you really dont want kids at the reception, stick to your guns and tell her no...but that also might make her not be able to attend your wedding.
    Overall i agree with you, its rude, and if i had my way i wouldnt have kids at my wedding at all but unfortunately my fh has alot of kids in his family and they live 4 hours away- so if we didnt invite the kids then the others wouldnt come
  • Nemo
    VIP August 2018
    Nemo ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I think this is one of those things that you'll understand once you have a baby. Not all breastfed babies take bottles, and some moms have a really hard time pumping. She will probably decline to come to your wedding and may not longer be interested in a friendship with you. If you're cool with that, go for it but babies are considered to be an except to the "no kids" rule. At three months old, the baby will likely just be sleeping anyway.

    And it isn't just a few hours, you even said yourself that there is a big gap between the ceremony and reception, likely meaning that she would be gone for at LEAST 4 hours, probably closer to 6-8 hours.

  • Paulette
    Beginner September 2020
    Paulette ·
    I feel like it's your ceremony and it should be however you like. I don't want children at mine either and i have 2 young grandchildren.
  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Highly doubt she wouldn't be friends with me any longer. Everything is local with time for her to pump, go home, whatever - and it's not my responsibility to figure out her timeline, pumping, etc. No, I don't understand and I don't have children, but at the end of the day it's my wedding and it's extremely rude to assume you can bring your kid.

  • Tris
    Expert August 2019
    Tris ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Really? You want to separate a THREE month old nursing baby from their mother?
  • Breda
    Savvy July 2019
    Breda ·

    Yes, I have no problem telling her no.

  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Exactly this. And usually breastfed babies are an exception to the rule.

  • Sexypoodle
    Super October 2020
    Sexypoodle ·
    Tell her what you said here.... that your siblings’ children aren’t even coming. Parents know that everything isn’t child-friendly and they should ask (not tell) you their child is coming. Even when FH and I have parties at our house, my friends will ask if children are invited (sometimes kids are and other times it’s adults only). So, unfortunately, there are times when parents just have to decline if they can’t make childcare arrangements. There are sacrifices to being a parent.