V
Champion July 2019

Am i Selfish

Veronica, on December 9, 2020 at 7:25 PM

Posted in Married Life 82

My husband and I are currently expecting our first child. We are having our gender reveal on Saturday which both of our families have known about since September. Today, my mother-in-law called asking if her best friend could attend because her plans have changed and she is no longer staying...

My husband and I are currently expecting our first child. We are having our gender reveal on Saturday which both of our families have known about since September. Today, my mother-in-law called asking if her best friend could attend because her plans have changed and she is no longer staying overnight and she doesn't want to travel on her own (my parents live about 2.5 hours from where she lives). My husband's mom is the only one from his family able to attend. His dad and step-mom don't really like parties and don't agree with us finding out gender, his sister has a newborn so with Covid she isn't comfortable attending, and his two brothers live 8+ hours away. My husband is feels I'm being selfish because I don't really want his mom's best friend (who I've only met a handful of times) at our gender reveal while my parents, siblings & their spouses, and my grandmother and grandfather (who are like second parents to me since my mom had me very young) will be in attendance. I just waited it to be close family which my mother-in-law's best friend is not, but I also don't like fighting with my husband over this. So do you guys agree that I'm being selfish for not wanting the best friend at our gender reveal?

82 Comments

  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    It would be very ungracious of you to exclude your MiL's friend. Your MiL wants a travel partner, which is valid given the distance. Your MiL is the only person from your husband's side who is making it. Your husband sees the friend as an aunt.


    Using covid as an excuse to exclude one extra person does not ring true when you're bringing together multiple households for a completely unnecessary party while pregnant. Your only objection to doing this at a restaurant is the hockey puck, rather than covid. If you truly cared about covid, you'd be doing this over zoom.
    This party is a big deal for your husband because he doesn't get to attend other pregnancy events. However, you want to exclude an aunt figure, even when his side is so sparesly represented. That defeats the purpose of having this party. Right now, you're just thinking about yourself, your relation to each guest, and your vision for this party. Do you care more about your hockey puck and keeping the dogs quiet than having family come to share your joy?
    You may not have a close personal relationship with this friend, but your husband does. This is a gender reveal, not a medical appointment. It's not intrusive to have this friend there

    As for the dogs, you'll have to deal with it as you go. Changing venues seems extreme. I am sure this won't be the first time your grandparents have had people over. I'm sure they've left the dogs at home before. You're making a bigger deal out of the dogs than you need to.
    If I were your husband, I'd be upset enough to cancel the party.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I never said I wanted to exclude her friend because of Covid. I don't want her included because it was supposed to be immediate family only. I planned for it to be immediate family only because my mother-in-law tends to try to invite people to things all of the time. She has traveled further to see us and has never needed someone to travel with her before so I don't understand why it's an issue now. Also, if it's an issue why did she wait until three days beforehand when she's known about it for three months? It's not like we suddenly sprung the party on her. My husband also sees almost all of her friends as aunts, but that doesn't mean I have to want to include all of them in every event that we have. Also, my brother and his wife live with my parents and my sister has dinner at their house e dry night. My grandparents have also gone to my parents' house numerous times so they have already been around each other a lot.


    As for the dogs, they are my parents dogs not my grandparents. The reason it is a big deal is because the party is supposed to be at my parents' house where the dogs live. Other than my family, my parents don't really have guests over so the dogs aren't used to strangers.
    • Reply
  • Maggie
    Dedicated July 2022
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    How do your parents handle the dogs whenever they leave the house? I imagine they'd have a tactic to prevent the one with separation anxiety from trying to destroy everything every time they leave. Can you just keep the dogs outside while you're inside, or inside while you're outside? Assuming you're in a warm enough place for that to work.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    Yeah I get why you're upset that she would wait until days before to tell you, that sucks. Why can't the dogs be put in one side of the house for the reveal? If they cry for a little then oh well. I have a dog who gets VERY excited when anyone comes to our house and if she is too excited to the point where she isn't listening then we simply put her in a room for a little. If his mother wasn't the only person from his side attending then I would agree with you and say just tell her no. But under the circumstances it's not gonna hurt letting one person come. I feel like you need to compromise and make this work, FOR YOUR HUSBAND! There's no way that there isn't one solution that will help fix the problem.
    • Reply
  • Alma
    Expert October 2020
    Alma ·
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    I was wondering the same thing...why are the dogs going ?? lol
    • Reply
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Sorry to be blunt, but to directly answer your question: yes, I do think you're being selfish. It sounds like you're annoyed that she didn't ask you earlier and you're using the dogs as an excuse. If I were in your position, I'd hold a virtual gender reveal party for your guests to watch safely from a distance. A wedding is one thing, but 13 people traveling from different states for a gender reveal party in an enclosed indoor space doesn't seem wise right now. Saturday is 2 days from now, so it doesn't sound like you'll be quarantining for long enough depending on your state's travel mandate...That's just my two cents. Good luck!

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The one with separation anxiety they put in her cage and the other is okay enough to not be in a cage. The problem with putting her in the cage while everyone is there is that she would cry, wine and bark until she was let out. Unfortunately there really isn't a place to put them outside.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The one dog wouldn't be an issue putting in a separate room, but the excitable one would destroy things trying to get out. She has separation anxiety so having her alone with everyone there wouldn't work. My parents have a cage for her, but she would cry, wine and bark until she would be let out. They only really use the cage if someone isn't home.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The dogs live where the party is taking place. They are my parents' dogs and the party is at my parents' house. They would be fine around my family and his mom be because they know all of is, but they don't know the friend.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    My parents, brother and his wife live together and my sister goes to their house every night for dinner so they are always around each other. My grandparents have also gone to my parents' house house all the time. My mother-in-law just had a Covid test. I barely leave my house other than to get food. My husband does work, but he remains in his office most of the day with limited contact with others. I have no clue about the best friend. I know she lives with about six other people. I know the best friend hasn't had time to quarantine either since she just asked her to attend yesterday. I also respectfully disagree that I'm using the dogs as an excuse. If it was just my mother-in-law attending the dogs wouldn't be an issue as they have met her. My parents rarely if ever have guests over that haven't met the dogs. We have a small family so they know everyone in our family. Other than church friends, who have never been to my parents house, my parents don't have friends.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    So what are you going to do then?
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    My parents reached out to their church to see if one of the rooms in the basement is available. We had thought about having it at my grandparents' house, but they have a small kitchen/dining room so sitting would be limited. They also don't have a very big driveway and you can't park on the street so parking would be an issue.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    No you are absolutely not being selfish. If you want it to be close family and friends then I'd stick to the plan of only close people. I'd tell my husband that either he can pick her up and take her home or she can stay at our house, but that's just me.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    Based on your responses I agree it sounds like you are pretty well set in your opinion and are not going to change your mind despite it upsetting your husband, so it seems you're really just looking for support. But, in response to your question, yes, as an impartial observer I think you are being selfish and very inflexible. While I personally wouldn't host or attend a party like what you're describing right now, you've planned it and invited your MIL to attend (and it sounds like other members of H's family, who have chosen not to attend). So unless you're willing to cancel and/or change the nature of the party to a virtual format, I'd allow the friend to attend because it is IMPORTANT to your husband. Accommodating the dog issues sounds pretty excessive -- how would the dogs have reacted if the rest of H's family would have accepted the invitations? If I were your husband, I would be really upset that you are literally choosing to not upset a dog over not upset him and his mom. It kind of sounds like the party you've planned is really about your family. An alternative might be to hold two different events. The party you've planned with your family and the dogs, and then go to his mom's/family (and this friend/aunt, if she's important to him) and do a reveal with them. No matter what, if I were you, I'd try really hard to be more open to your husband's concerns and brainstorm with him to find a mutually acceptable solution. Right now, based on your numerous rebuttals to other posters, you sound like you're stuck seeing the situation as a win-lose with no room for compromise. Good luck to you.

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  • Erin
    Expert May 2021
    Erin ·
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    Awww, i'm sorry to hear that Smiley sad

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    We would have planned to have it somewhere else if his family would have attended. His dad was never going to accept an invite as he doesn't like events like this and is estranged from my husband's older brother and sister. My husband's older brother and his family live in Alabama and my husband's younger brother and his wife live in Ohio. My family lives in Maryland and my husband's mom and sister live in New Jersey. His brothers wouldn't have attended unless we had it where they each live which would be impossible. His sister won't attend no matter where it is because she has a weak immune system and just had a baby. She hasn't left the house since Covid started not even to get food. They were all invited and could definitely join us virtually if they wanted to. My family reached out to the pastor of their church yesterday and he got back to them this morning that we can use the church, but my husband still isn't satisfied with that. I'm trying to compromise by having it somewhere without the dogs, but he's upset at the location change.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I have also asked numerous times if we could include them via Zoom, but my husband says that's up to his mom. Why he's leaving it up to her I'm not sure. My family has worked it out to have it at their church, but now my husband is complaining about the location change. I'm trying to compromise by allowing the best friend, but having it at a space that won't cause drama.
    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted May 2021
    Ally ·
    • Flag
    Maybe his mother feels uncomfortable attending with only your family there, and didn’t want to go alone. I would just let it go for this one time, since I am assuming you will be announcing the gender to the world shortly after anyway.
    • Reply
  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree 100000%
    • Reply
  • Kris
    Expert July 2021
    Kris ·
    • Flag

    Can't the dogs be put into a bedroom for the duration of the party? I've been to LOADS of parties and gatherings where they put their animals out of sight so that the animals would be more comfortable. It really does seem selfish, seeing as he has literally no one else there. You can't expect to have your family there and then get upset at the one thing that would allow him to have his mom there.

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