V
Champion July 2019

Am i Selfish

Veronica, on December 9, 2020 at 7:25 PM

Posted in Married Life 82

My husband and I are currently expecting our first child. We are having our gender reveal on Saturday which both of our families have known about since September. Today, my mother-in-law called asking if her best friend could attend because her plans have changed and she is no longer staying...

My husband and I are currently expecting our first child. We are having our gender reveal on Saturday which both of our families have known about since September. Today, my mother-in-law called asking if her best friend could attend because her plans have changed and she is no longer staying overnight and she doesn't want to travel on her own (my parents live about 2.5 hours from where she lives). My husband's mom is the only one from his family able to attend. His dad and step-mom don't really like parties and don't agree with us finding out gender, his sister has a newborn so with Covid she isn't comfortable attending, and his two brothers live 8+ hours away. My husband is feels I'm being selfish because I don't really want his mom's best friend (who I've only met a handful of times) at our gender reveal while my parents, siblings & their spouses, and my grandmother and grandfather (who are like second parents to me since my mom had me very young) will be in attendance. I just waited it to be close family which my mother-in-law's best friend is not, but I also don't like fighting with my husband over this. So do you guys agree that I'm being selfish for not wanting the best friend at our gender reveal?

82 Comments

  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    I would let the mother-in-laws friend come, especially since no one else in your husband’s side will be attending and she will be traveling a good distance to attend. I’m a huge animal fan but don’t see them as a reasonable excuse to keep your mil’s friend from coming. If the dogs cannot handle an extra adult attending, what will happen once the babies are born?
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    There really isn't another place for the dogs to go during the reveal since it is at their house and my mother-in-law and her best friend will likely hangout for a few hours. We haven't see my mother-in-law or my family in several months so I doubt it will be a short visit. The one dog is way too excitable to be on a lease. My parents have a hard enough time taking her on walks around the neighborhood because she gets excited at everything and can be hard to control/calm down. She was on medicine for awhile for ADHD, but it started making her have accidents around the house so they had to take her off her medicine. My sister, who is also pregnant, and I are already going to have to sit most of the time around her because of how excited she will get. My parents do have a crate, but because she also has separation anxiety she would just sit in her crate and cry, wine, bark until she was let out. The other dog probably wouldn't hurt anyone unless someone was going after one of us, but she does bark at strangers. She is a rather large dog with an intimidating bark so she unless she is used to you or you are used to big dogs she could be rather scary. The excitable dog is a Pitbull and the other dog is a German Shepard so people already assume negative things about both breeds.

    I guess part of me is upset that she would wait until days beforehand to tell us she plans on bringing someone. I'm glad she told us though because she has shown up to things before with plus ones without telling people in advance.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    We are waiting to hear back. They have several large rooms in the basement that we could possibly use. It would help also space us out. It will only be 13 people.

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Ahhh ok. I recommend you explain this to your MIL. If she still insists on bringing her friend around the dogs then oh well.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I have expressed concern about the dogs and the babies. The protective dog will be fine around a baby because the baby is small and harmless. The excitable dog we will slowly have to introduce to the babies.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    She knows since she has been around them before.

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  • Apryl
    Devoted March 2022
    Apryl ·
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    I would let your MIL bring her friend. You probably won't notice and I don't think you want this to be the hill to die on.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Personally I wouldn't do something I'm not comfortable with. Especially if I wanted it to just be immediate family. So I'll probably be the one who agrees with you. In the past I've been one to give in to my husband because I don't like fighting with him because it wears me out mentally. But within the past few months and with the help of therapy/couples therapy I speak my opinion and let him speak his, and if we can't come to a compromise, then it wont happen (whatever we are disagreeing about). I wouldn't do something that makes me miserable either because it sounds like you'd be miserable at your own gender reveal. I feel as though your MIL should respect how you feel. It's nott the end of the world if she cant bring her best friend.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I agree. I feel like she waited until last minute to not give us much choice. She basically phrased it like if we said no then she shouldn't attend so of course I come out seeming like the bad guy if I say no.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    It sucks because nobody should make you feel like that. You and your hubby are a team, so def sit down and tell him how this makes you feel. And if the mom gave you more advance notice then you would be more okay with it. Even I dont like last minute things unless its beyond my control. If the mom doesnt come because you wont let her best friend come, then that's sad. The best friend isnt a package deal. It's not like a significant other. Even if you decide to let this slide and she comes, I would talk to her and ask her to give you more advance notice because it would make you feel comfortable
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    She is always a last minute person. She has gone to my brother-in-law's house many times and invited people to go with her without asking my brother-in-law or his wife if it is okay with them. She is also always late to everything. My husband and I did talk about it and he feels I'm being unfair because his mom is the only family member attending.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    The mom has made this a habit and it's a bad habit. Everyone let's her get away with it. It sounds stressful. Personally I wouldn't budge. Because your feelings matter.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Sadly, you are right. My husband, who normally isn't a pushover, let's her get her way. I've had arguments before with him before because I don't feel she respects what I say, but he disagrees. For example, I will tell her something, but she will disagree so then he talks to her and suddenly she is onboard. It drives me crazy. Unfortunately, I think if I continue to push the issue my husband will just cancel the whole thing and I don't want that either.
    • Reply
  • Erin
    Expert May 2021
    Erin ·
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    Why do the DOGS need to be there for the gender reveal??!!! Put them in a bedroom or a crate, or leave them home for a few hours... problem solved... as for mother in laws friend, if she IS THE ONLY ONE coming from HIS side, then yes, she should be able to bring a friend, otherwise, have a second party where HIS side can be in attendance
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    That's true , I wouldn't want it to be cancelled either. Even try explaining to your husband that you guys have to be on the same page, especially since you're having a baby now. When we first got married we had to have a discussion that now we put each other first. And it sucks youre feeling this way
    • Reply
  • L
    Dedicated August 2021
    Lw ·
    • Flag
    I highly recommend a dog trainer. While it won’t help now, it sounds like the dogs are a bit much and potentially unsafe around children. What if the dogs are with the kids and a stranger comes up? What if the dogs get to rowdy but can’t be put in the kennel because they aren’t properly kennel trained?


    For the issue, it sounds like you are picking the unruly dogs over having your MIL so I understand why your husband is upset. I also understand this is the only part your husband and family can be involved in. I would try to kennel the dogs and have the MIL. A reputable kennel should know how to deal. Or call the vet and get an anxiety prescription and crate the dog.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The reveal is supposed to be at my parents' house which is where the dogs live. The one dog has extreme separation anxiety so locking her in the bedroom or a cage for a long period of time wouldn't work. She would destroy the bedroom door or the bedroom to try to get out. If she was in the cage she would sit there and cry, wine and bark until she was allowed out. His family was invited, but because his dad doesn't like social events and his estranged from my husband's older brother and sister so he wouldn't attend no matter where it was. His older brother and younger brother live over eight hours away in opposite directions so they wouldn't attend no matter where it is and his sister has been in quarantine since Covid started. She has a condition that makes her immune system not very strong and she just had a baby so there is no way she would attend. I would have loved to have them there, but it's just not possible.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The dogs are never really around anyone except for my family. My parents live out in the middle of nowhere so there aren't a lot of people around for strangers to come up and bother the dogs. The dogs would also never hurt our children. My sister has a step-son and they are very protective of him. They just take some time warming up to new people. The dogs are also like my parents children so they trust very few people to actually care for the dogs. They are both considered aggressive breeds (ones a German Shepherd and one is a pitbull) so I'm not even sure how willing a kennel would be to have them and it's not right to expect my parents to have to pay to kennel their dogs. The excitable one was on anxiety medication, but they had to stop it because it caused her to have accidents around the house. Also, my mother-in-law isn't the issue as the dogs have met her before and would be perfectly comfortable around her. The issue is her friend that the dogs are unfamiliar with. I don't think the dogs would actually hurtful her. The excitable one would probably jump all over her, but because she is a pitbull so people automatically assume she is dangerous. The protective one would just bark a lot and she has a very deep kind of intimidating bark.
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    I personally would not have her there... I don’t think you’re selfish. The gender of the baby literally means nothing to someone you barely know and with covid, I would limit exposure to as many people as possible!! I would try that route with your husband as you’re high risk and we all know being around more people increases chances of contracting. 🍼
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Unfortunately, my husband considers this woman an aunt so even though I've only met her a handful of times it won't change his mind. He feels it isn't right that my whole family can attend, but his can't. I've tried pointing out that it isn't my fault given distance and Covid, but he still won't listen.
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