Am i overreacting? - bridal party

While I understand why you are hurt, no one knows what the world will look like that far in advance which is why they probably can't give you the answer you are looking for. You honestly don't even need an answer until the wedding is much closer. By then they will have a better understanding of what they are able to do travel wise and with their children. Heck they could have more children by then and who knows how old they'd be.

I think it’s nice that you are considerate of your friends, but you need to pick a date that works best for you and your fiancé first ... and then work from there. Once your friends know the set date, they can start to make plans.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Unfortunately while you’ve been “putting off your life” (getting married when, where and how you want to), your friends have been continuing to live theirs. Pick a date and a location and let them know. While it might suck if they can’t make it, choosing to postpone your life for others is only going to make the process miserable for you.

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I agree with Veronica

Sooooo I think it is understandable that you are hurt but the reality is this, no one will be as excited as your day than you. If I understand correctly none of them live close to Italy. While yes you can see it as they should be excited to attend your big day, the trek from Australia to Italy I imagine is an expensive one. So those with kids, could they afford it and those without could they or want to. It is truly different a local wedding versus an international one. I am not trying to sound harsh but it is the reality of how much people are willing to give financially for someone else's big day. I do understand the hopes and expectations you have and how their responses are dashing them so I do not think you are in the wrong to feel how you feel.

Some suggestions:

1 - choose a date that works for you and your FH and no one else. Either they come or they do not. For an int'l elopement I would give some time.

2 - Could you both forego the wedding party or have one MOH and one BM? Do you have anhy friends locally that you trust to stand by your side?

3 - Instead of eloping what about an intimate ceremony with some close friends and family?

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Thanks to all your responses

I guess my main issue is knowing whether or not they want to be in my wedding, I cant really plan anything If i don't know whether they actually want to be apart of it or not.

They're the only 4 women that I would want to be in it so coming to the realisation that maybe they wont be scares me a little bit

I also guess the sad thing is that I've always put them first, I was the one that moved away so I've always felt the need to overcompensate and make the effort to come back. I guess I was just hoping for it to be reciprocated, just once

All the responses seem to be one sided so maybe I am overacting over the whole thing

I just never even imagined getting married without them to be honest, so its scary that might be the case

View Quoted Comment I agree with this! You and your fiance should pick the date that works best for you. If you try to coordinate with everyone else's schedules you'll never find a date that works perfectly for everyone. Once you set your date, everyone can plan around that.

From what you have said it sounds like them being there is more important to you than actually marrying your fiance. In which case that's not a good thing. The priority should be marrying the person you love. Of course there are people who you'd like to be there, but that shouldn't be a deal breaker. I think you need to sit down and figure out your priorities. Having said that I'm guessing your friends priorities are staying safe and healthy, being financially secure and their children. Being that they would have to travel for your wedding there is potentially a huge cost associated with that on top of the cost associated with being in a wedding. Covid is also an unknown factor. Realistically Covid could be like the flu and never fully disappear meaning it might not be safe for them to travel such a far distance for a while. As for the children, the should always come first. They might not know who could watch them or even if they comfortable leaving their children. I'm currently pregnant and my husband's best friend is getting married in October across the country from us. Our daughter will be right around five months at the time and likely breastfeeding so while I'd love to attend his wedding I wouldn't be able to leave her nor would I feel comfortable. Travel is also questionable because of Covid. So my priority is my daughter just like your friends priorities are their children.

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I highly agree. The day is about marrying your love not who can attend. Brides should never focus on who or how many people can attend. You should not plan your day around them rather around you two. You can plan a wedding without knowing if they can be there or not. The wedding party does not make or break the day or planning. Plus, and I have seen this happen many times, people can say yes they will be there and back out last minute. Happened to a groomsman in my friends wedding. You have every right to feel hurt and your feelings are relevant but take some time and make peach with them maybe not coming. But make the focus of the day being about you two. I do not think you need to go as far as elope rather enjoy those that can attend.

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A little harsh in thinking that my friends are more important to me than me marrying my fiance!

I've simply asked for some advice and opinions, preferably from people who are in a similar boat and who have friends and family on the other side of the world and how they go about arranging a wedding in this situation. There's no need to get personal about my feelings towards my partner and my priorities

It's not a deal breaker that my friends cant make it, I will still get married regardless would have just been nice to share the special day with the people we love.

Reading all the responses maybe I'm just asking too much of them, simple

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I think through written text things can get misconstrued. I read what you wrote as that as well so I do not think Veronica was coming from a bad place. I do think you being upset is natural and I do not think it is bad to ask friends to travel for you but I think you should accept that they may not. From what I am reading you are willing to base your wedding date to appease them which is where it may come off that your friends being there is more important. While it is great to want your friends there I think you should have the day you want. If it is eloping then great but base your decision on what you two want. I do not mean to sound rude or harsh rather give a different perspective. Of course it would be nice to celebrate with people you love but international weddings are a challenge. Maybe you could at least live stream them in which I know is not the same but that way they could be involved. Good luck in whatever you decide and I hope you get the day you want.

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Thank you very much, I appreciate that

Hi Nadia! I'm also in the middle of planning an international wedding, and the bridal party is a big question mark for me, too. My fiancé is from Spain, I'm from the US. We live in Spain and are planning our wedding in Chicago, where I'm from.

I identify with a lot of what you say as far as feeling like you make much more effort to visit people than what you receive in return. I've lived abroad for more than five years now, and make a point of traveling back to the States and around Europe to visit friends on vacation whenever I can, at least once or twice a year. I even flew from my isolated city in Spain to be in a friend's wedding in Hawaii! In return, I've had a total of two friends visit in the five years I've been abroad. As far as that goes, I think I've just had to realize that I prioritize things that others may not. Many people talk about how much they'd love to visit, etc., but never end up doing it for whatever reason. Maybe they can't afford it, or have other financial priorities, or simply like the idea of traveling better than the reality of it. Either way, I've learned to temper my expectations over the years to help avoid disappointment. It's hard not to equate not visiting with not caring, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your friends wouldn't love to be there for you if they can.

As for the wedding planning situation, it's impossible to make everyone happy--including yourself--no matter what you do. This is doubly true when the couple getting married are from different countries. I've only been planning my wedding for a few months, but have heard alllllll kinds of opinions and complaints and pushy ideas about what we should be doing. I'm a people pleaser, so this has been difficult to handle. But I think you just simply trust that the people who truly care, and who can physically and financially make the trip, will do so.

I also think it will be easier for your friends to give you a real answer once you set a solid date. They may not want to commit to attending a wedding they don't know the date for, only to have to back out later for whatever reason and disappoint you. I'm holding out on deciding on my bridal party until my fiancé knows which of his preferred groomsmen will actually be making the trip to Chicago, if any. Our wedding is still a year and a half away, but he's planted the idea and the official date in their heads with hopefully enough time for them to figure out their individual situations and whether they want to make the commitment.

I hope this long answer helped a little, or at least served as a bit of commiseration from a fellow expat with a foreign fiancé!

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Hi Maggie,

Thanks so much for your response, its really helpful to hear the opinion from someone in the exact same situation and who has dealt with similar problems. It is a little tricky when you're both from different parts of the world, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

I really appreciate your help with this and for sharing your understanding on it all, I will certainly take it on board when we start officially planning the day

All the best with your wedding planning

I hope its a very special day for you both

View Quoted Comment I didn't think it was harsh since you said you can't plan a wedding without them meaning you are prioritizing them over your fiance. Either way, I would pick a date and start planning your wedding. If they can be there great and if they can't it's really not the end of the world. The important thing is that you got married.

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Thanks Veronica

You are right

Now, more than ever, it’s really hard to make plans far into the future. They’re probably just being realistic and trying to not set false expectations by committing 100% right now. It’d be a lie for them to, they have no idea what may happen tomorrow let alone over multiple years. Plan for a time that works for you and if they can come, I’m sure they will.
An international trip is also thousands of dollars and with new families/covid/everything... it’s a lot to commit to.

Pick the date that works for you. Your guests can work with that. Do not put your life and plans on hold for other people

Hello! I hate to hear things like this-having actually most a friend immediately after getting engaged, and I have no clue why or what happened, I really feel for you and the fact you’re friends are being so difficult. You are not wrong for being hurt, my feelings would be hurt too especially after mentioning they haven’t visited you in the 6 years you’ve been there. I can only advise to be vocal with them about your feelings and if they can change it and be more considerate then great, and if not you might have to look at not having them in the wedding and maybe just move on?i know what’s a terrible thought and easier said than done but You don’t want anyone in your wedding that you will regret later based on the memories or ways The relationships may turn out. I hope they can pull together and show you a lot more support but I’ve grown to learn over the years with a few close friends (of decades) that if you aren’t feeling valued the way to Do them leave them behind and move on. Maybe they aren’t meant to be a part of your new life journey. Good luck!! And congratulations on your engagement!🍾🥰♥️

We are the same age, and I am also planning a destination wedding (although not an international one) so I definitely understand your frustration! I’m sure several of my close friends won’t be able to make it when the time comes - most of them have recently had or are about to have their first child and it’s a lot of change. Plus they can’t know what their family and financial situations will be so far out. It sounds like your friends are being realistic and honest, you are just asking too much.
Just for reference, I missed a very close friends wedding last year because I had a final exam/presentation in grad school that I couldn’t move (professor and the dean wouldn’t grant and exception) I never thought I wouldn’t be there even 3 months out, sometimes it just can’t be helped.
Picking an easier location will increase the chances they can come, but only you and your fiancé can make that trade-off decision. My advice is that you should start planning your marriage and life, and your true friends will be there to support you in whatever way they can (even if it may be remotely). This is only the first compromise you will make in wedding planning, I promise by the time it’s done you will have made a LOT more!