Am i completely out of line and off base???

Sounds to me like your kids aren't mature enough to get married. And the bride and her family is fully intending on leaving you with the brunt of the expenses.

I’m very confused on some of this. So are your son and FDIL working? You said they have no money to contribute, are they even living on their own or with their respective families since they have no money? Also, I’m assuming there was a ring involved. How did your son afford this ring if they have no money? Did you pay for that as well? My questions aren’t to be rude, but rather to ask are they mature enough to get married? My fiancé and I are 25 and 28 and are paying for this wedding completely on our own, so we are having something pretty small since that is what we can afford. If we couldn’t afford a waiting, we would either wait or do a courthouse wedding. However, we live together and are financially stable and pay our bills, etc. so if we couldn’t afford a wedding it would be due to that. Not because we were young and not working and just liked the idea of being married and having a wedding. It is not worth putting yourself into debt over just so your son and FDIL can have the wedding they want.

Thanks everyone for the replies. To clear up some confusion, The wedding is scheduled for the 1st of Sept this year. They do live in their own apartment and have for over a year my son pays all the bills from his job which he has been out of work a few times the past couple of years. They have an 8 and half month old son together. FDIL is not working currently that is a story on it's own. My son is gone from the apartment 12-14 hours a day for work 5 days a week and on Saturday about 8 hours, to cover their living expenses and the ring. ( which I so wish he had taken one of his brothers with him for that as the sales person had him buy a ring 3 times the amount of his income saying that is what you are suppose to do and he loves her so he did ) We are spending more then $1000 on this wedding by the time it's done we will have spent any where from $2500-$3000. Yes it can be done I'm living proof , no we are not self catering my best friends husband has his own catering company been in business for a few years and weddings is his thing he is doing it for cost of food and his employees that work it buffet style BBQ since they will be guest at the wedding. The photographer is the aunt of the bride and is gifting that to them. Venue for special permit and building with a great chefs kitchen was just under $350 came with tables and chairs, hard wood floors so dance floor is covered this is already completely paid for. My son is helping were he can but from the hours he keeps he is normally exhausted after work and wants to spend time with his family and especially his son. He wanted to help with paying for the wedding but my husband and I want them to build a saving so if he's ever out of work again or has a slow week they have something to fall back on that part is on us. I do love planning stuff and they do know this plus like everyone says properly hosting is huge they don't know where to start, my son actually is the one that asked about having my best friends husband cater I'm just the one who made the contact , We were all together to look at the venue including her mom. They told me the colors theme. I found the centerpieces on a second hand Facebook group for brides, got the glassware from a past bride that didn't use 50 at her wedding for $40 mason jar mugs still in sealed box. Flowers for the centerpieces from a wholesaler I deal with in my two businesses real touch latex roses they are beautiful I actually started to smell them when I got the samples in. Haha.

I know someone said something about her sides list and our sides list that was the easiest way to put it on the first list which I called ours was everyone I knew the kids wanted to invite including the wedding party and immediate families, grandparents. first cousins as the maid of honor is FDIL 1st cousin more like sisters and flower girl is the daughter of FDIL's male first cousin her uncle will be singing at the wedding his wife another of his children who live at home and my son's first cousins will also be coming with my parents as they raised them and my son wants them there. 3 sets of grandparents for my son, 4 siblings, a son and a nephew who is the ring bearer, Her family is 2 sets of parents, 1 set of grandparents, 1 single grandparent, a great uncle that was like a grandparent since her grandfather pasted just before she was born. 2 siblings. then 4 family friend couples that have been like parents to them beside their own.

The other list I called her side as it came from her mom has people like the person they bought FDIL car from, coworkers of her mom's and stepdad (which if she didn't have to she wouldn't be inviting him) people from her grandmothers church and others they either have no idea who they are or have ever met.

My son is 100% on board with if they want to invite extra that wasn't on the list that the kids came up with that they need to help financially as they are already have at least half of the original guest list we cut people we were thinking may need to be invited should be cause we knew we couldn't swing it.

Most of the planning and purchasing has been done what is left is the DJ to finish being paid, cater to be paid, wedding cake, plates , silverware, napkins.

As for planning the timeline, music for ceremony, wedding attire for grooms side ( him and his brothers will figure that out) set up of the venue as far as table layout ( we will be making a few more trips when the weather warms up to look at it again and FDIL will be going with me) How FDIL will be getting to the venue , where her and the girls will stay the night before my son and the rest of our out of state family will all be staying in a hotel. FDIL Uncle lives 5 minutes from the venue with a huge house so she was suppose to have talked to him about at least using his house to get ready at instead of a hotel or even staying there that was 3 weeks ago haha.

Sorry to ramble again you all are right I'm causing myself to much stress. Thanks again for the advice sometimes you just need to have someone else say what you have been thinking.

This is pretty wild. You are very generous for helping but it is not your responsibility to plan their wedding and her family has no obligation to help out if they are not in a financial position to do so. The people that they want to invite as "extras" is crazy since it sounds like her parents friends and no one to do with her. The list should be as lean as possible given the budget. If they don't have an emergency fund and they have a baby, I agree that they should be saving for that instead, but that doesn't mean you should be spending $**** if that is going to create hardship for you. What is the rush here? Why don't they wait until they can fund their own wedding?

In my opinion it sounds like the wedding needs to be postponed until a budget can be decided on, kept and doable for all parties... the kids can save money for their wedding unless they don’t have jobs which they should if they want to be “adults” and get married. With that being said. My fiancé and I are paying for a pretty big chunk of the wedding because his parents aren’t contributing. It’s doable with more time

Honestly it really doesn't sound like she is even that excited about it. You are figuring out catering, flowers, venue, all this stuff, and she can't be bothered to even call her uncle and ask if they can get ready at his place?

You seem like a nice lady and you want to help your son. But the best thing you can do to help him is some tough love here. You won't always be around to fix things for him, he needs to be an adult and learn how to manage these things. They need to learn to say no to her parents. They need to learn to manage their money. You say FDIL is not working. Is that so she can take care of the baby, because you make it sound like there is more to the story... She could get a part time job and contribute SOMETHING. Even if it's $100, it's more the principle of it at this point. I would not be giving them money just so that she can do nothing. She won't even call her uncle!

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I agree 100% with GoodMOB. I have 2 daughters getting married this year, and we are contributing to both a set dollar amount. What the groom's side is contributing is quite frankly not our business. It is up to your son and FDIL to set a realistic budget, guest list, and to take the lead on planning. At this point I honestly think you need to take a step back and put the kids in control.

It seems like you are making a lot of excuses as to why this has all fallen on you. I would really suggest stepping back and letting the bride and groom finalize the planning. This is their wedding and they need to be responsible. Let the bride deal with her family's "extra guests." I certainly think she should handle finding a place to get ready and transportation to the ceremony. It sounds like they are getting a lot of free or cheap labor for this wedding. They aren't going to learn how to be adults if everything is handed to them. If they can't afford a big wedding, they don't get a big wedding. It is not up to you or the bride's family to figure out how this all gets paid for.

I feel like my head is spinning.

I think it's extremely generous of you to assist financially and in helping plan your son's wedding. However, I am a strong believer that if your son and his fiance are old enough to get married (and have children), they are old enough to pay for it themselves.

I agree with a previous poster about it sounding like you're more excited about this wedding than the bride & groom? If it's something that's bothering you (taking on all the planning), I would remove myself from the situation, write a check, and leave it up to my son and FDIL to plan the wedding on the budget you created.

As far as the amount of guests go - "no" is a full sentence. If her family isn't contributing, they don't have a say. Simply state that there is room for X amount of guests from her side of the family and let them figure it out.

I get the feeling that these two feel like they have to get married because they have a baby. The fact that you keep referring to the engaged couple as “kids” is very concerning.

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I will always call my children kids, to me no matter how old they get they will always be my babies. My parents and my husbands parents still refer to us as kids when talking about us to others, it's not a put down. Has nothing to do with age or mature as to why I say kids.

No they know they don't have to get married cause of their son, my second oldest who is the father of my oldest grandson who is 4 didn't get married him and the mother co parent very well together and are like best friends and she will always be part of our family no matter what.

Thanks for clarifying some of the situation. MommaKeysMOG, you should NOT be paying for guests such as co-workers of her parents. Doesn't sound like there is money anywhere for those guests. So, I think they should not be invited. And that is completely reasonable. Even much bigger weddings don't have co-workers, especially of the parents!

I hope all these responses have given you some courage so that you will do what you feel you need to for your son, but will not get walked all over by the bride or her family.

With a young child at stake, I can see wanting to keep the peace, but there must be a dollar limit to your generosity. Your own marriage and budget are important to keep in mind. Best wishes!

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Darla

Yes she is taking care of the baby. But there was some medical stuff when she had him that has effected her short term memory and has caused problems at the 2 jobs she has had. Plus she is young as sometimes don't know when to bite her tongue.

"always be my babies."

this right here is the root of all your issues. I get that you love your kids but the fact is that they are adults and you need to treat them as such. It may be subliminal but the message is that you will always take care of them and never ever let anything bad happen to your babies. Sometimes to grow up, we need to struggle a little. We need to make hard choices and be uncomfortable in things. This is what prepares us for real life.

Truly, I don't mean to come off as harsh here. Your heart is in the right place. But, seriously, if not for that you had said your son's age, I might have thought you were my ex-FMIL. She wanted to take care of everything for her little boy. Every time he had something to pay, or anything at all went wrong in his life, he called her. We lived rent-free in the house that she owned, while she lived in an apartment above her office. The only difference between her son and yours? He was 30. And still never grew up, because she never made him. And even for everything she did for him, it was never enough. He still never got his stuff together. Eventually, the stress literally killed her, and last I heard was he had problems with the IRS and a DUI conviction.

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Sorry, I know that came off as kind of insensitive, but I guess I was directing the statement more at these parents of the bride and the fact that there's three of them who now don't seem to be able to come up with anything close to what they promised. I totally understand that there's different life situations and even really hard-working people, or people that worked hard most of their lives and are now older or disabled, can be on a tight fixed income. So I apologize if that sounded harsh. But these FILs should not have agreed to $1000 each if they couldn't deliver! I could see maybe one of them falling into a bad situation and having to drop out, but all of them "suddenly" realizing they can't pay and throwing all this back on OPs shoulders? They sound like low-lifes to me, but of course there's always the possibility they're good people and there's more to the story than has been presented.

Anyway I'm sure your parents are great responsible people especially for raising an independent and supportive daughter!

This really sounds like you are planning a wedding for..as you said, kids. my FH and I didn't need my mommy to plan my wedding. If you want to contribute money, write them a check for $1,000 and they are on their own to figure the rest out and deal with the guest list drama. They are adults. Don't let anypne take advantage of you like that.

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Totally agree! If they agreed, then they agreed. If they weren't TOTALLY sure they could do it, they should have said so! And thank you, I figured it wasn't meant to be insensitive, but some people always surprise me on here lol

Thanks again everyone they will be over here tomorrow after my son gets off work before their premarital counseling I volunteered to keep my grandson so I can have some time with him with out parents haha.

Darla I haven't bailed him out on everything he has fallen on his face more times then I can count. When he was out of work he had to figure out how to pay his bills until he found another job he had to do side jobs and anything he could find so I hear you I know we have to let them grow up and it is hard to as there is a baby involved but I do my best on everyday things not to get involved at all even when asked we are sounding boards. The wedding is probably my own fault as I want it to be special like mine was for me and how my parents made sure it was. Thanks again all

Tell them!! My MIL has spent $4 versus the $5,000 my family has spent so far which makes it a nightmare!