Am i completely out of line and off base???

Absolutely tell them they need to pay over and above what you can afford for their extra people! I don't even know where to start with this post. You are extremely nice and generous to not only be paying for but also planning this wedding for your kid (using the term literally). If your son and soon-to-be DIL are old enough to get married, then they're old enough to at least plan their wedding (with your budget limitations, of course). You should not be planning this entire wedding and letting your son, DIL, and her parents tell you what to do or who to invite when none of them are paying. Her parents in particular. Of course the kids want it to be their wedding, but they need to be working with you to figure everything out - not making you do everything.

Have any of you considered pushing the wedding back in order to save more money? Do these kids not have any money to help out? What are they going to do once they're married?

I think you should tell her parents pay for the additional guests and if they refuse to pay tell them no. It sounds like you're being taken advantage of.

This is sort of hard to follow. It sounds like you want this wedding more than they do, if they are not willing to make decisions. Either that, or they do want to make decisions, and you're telling them they can't do what they want. If I were you, I'd say, "I'm going to contribute X amount of dollars." Let me know when your deposits are due and I'll write a check. Let them figure out the rest on their own. BTW it doesn't sound like your budget is enough to host 50 guests. Are you planning on providing a full meal and at least beer and wine to drink?

I think it would just be a lot easier to hand the kids the money you're spending and let them deal with it. They're old enough to get married, they're old enough to plan their own party. Why are you taking on all of this responsibility and stress? My kids are 20 and 23. If one of them was getting married and the MOG told me that "I" had to pay $20 for every extra person they invited, I'd laugh. But then again, I wouldn't create a guest list for "my" side either. It's not my wedding, or your wedding, so neither of us have sides. If you must be involved, might I suggest a good old fashioned back yard or Church basement affair? Those are free venues. You can self cater. As the mom of daughters btw, if I only had a $1000 to contribute towards the wedding-I'd probably put it all towards her dream dress too. Because that's the part my girls would care about the most I'd let them have the fancy dress and serve everyone bbq in the backyard. A "nice" wedding doesn't have to be a 100 people in an elegant setting. You just need good food and music and a fun party-many of us manage to do that 3-4 times a year in our own homes for less than $1000.

It sounds like you're doing more than your fair share. I agree tell them this is how much you have to spend from us. Here is a check spend it how you like. Anything else is up to them or the other parents. Don't get taken advantage of!

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^^^ This! If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to research and figure out what they want. Sure, you can help with some of the legwork, but you need to set up a boundary for yourself and encourage them to make these major decisions on their own with the knowledge that you're not a fountain of money. Once the well runs dry, there's nothing else you can/will fund.

I think this is very generous and the couple should be working their butts off to chip in to pay for something. Or at the very least plan along side you.

I don’t think it is very nice to say you won’t pay for a single person on their list other than their VIPs. As someone who’s in laws aren’t helping out I get it. But what message is that sending if your whole family is there? Maybe both lists need to be cut to grandparents only? Can everyone decide on a number. Maybe it’s 10 people for all three sides, so 30 people? Cut the wedding party if you can that’s just extravagant at this point.

This is really tough and maybe you need to level with your son that he won’t be having his ‘dream’ wedding. You don’t owe him a wedding.

Not sure what to tell you since I would never pay for my son or daughter to get married that young. If they think they're old enough to get married, they better be old enough to pay for cost associated to get married.

Most brides and grooms plan their own wedding and many pay for it themselves (or mostly themselves), so you are going way above and beyond what you need to do. Honestly it does sound like you are being taken advantage of because you are so nice. Don’t feel bad setting boundaries. Like for example don’t feel the least bit bad telling your son and his fiancé that they need to help a lot more with the planning, or telling her family that they need to help and if they are unwilling to do so, then they need to totally stay out of the planning, including deciding who to invite.

I meant tell her family that they need to help financially. Sorry I don’t know how to edit posts.

1. The Bride and Groom are old enough to marry, they are old enough to handle the responsibility of planning it.

2. Regardless of if you have $30 or $1000 to contribute to the wedding, you are being generous. Tell them they are at their limit, show them where they elected the $1000 be applied to and be done with it.

3. If her parents want to invite additional people, it is their responsibility.

I definitely feel like the bride and groom should be by your side planning. Also, the bride should be understanding and cut the guest list. It looks like there would be no wedding with you guys so she should be grateful.

I think until someone and everyone can respect you that you should just stop everything. I am the bride, I'm 23 and I don't have a lot of money but I am puting something away everymonth. My FH and I are paying for most of our wedding, then my mom and dad are pitching in. Hos parents are refusing to pay for anything.
The kids including both your son and future DIL can put back 20 dollars a week or a month. That can help with costs. As for her parents they can do the same and just tell them that.
No money plus no respect on my eyes equals no wedding.

I'm 21, and yes I'm more mature because I'm in graduate school and am employed, but despite that, FH and I have taken the lead in planning our wedding. Just because you are paying for the wedding doesn't mean you need to take on the stress of planning the wedding! All you need to know is when deposits are due. Now, if you like wedding planning and it's fun to do with your son and his fiance, then that's great! But don't feel obligated to take on all that.

Is there a reason why the bride's parents changed their mind on the money? Did something happen to them, or did they just decide not to? Either way, they definitely need to contribute if they want more people added to the guest list.

Sounds like they aren’t old enough or mature enough to be married. Set the budget and be done. All the planning should be up to them. If you feel like they don’t know how to plan a wedding..... then they are too young and should move the wedding back.

I read the whole post but was a little confused at times, so hopefully I have my facts right.


At the end of the day, you are choosing to pay the money you are paying for the wedding. That is your choice. The bride’s family also has a choice, and it is within their right to choose not to pay a single dime for this wedding. Many couples pay for their own weddings. If they do not have the money, they save the money or have a much smaller wedding. You can tell your son and future daughter-in-law that you have the budget to pay for ____ guests and ask them to make their guest list. If you are paying, then you also get a say in who is invited. If the couple wants to invite more from the bride’s side of the family, they can either pay for it themselves or ask her parents in their own(though it is incredibly rude to ask anyone for money). Point is, do not ask he bride’s family or anyone else for money. Make choices that you are okay with making, and don’t blame others when they don’t want to or can not make similar choices. If you only have ___ amount of money to contribute, pay this money and the couple can figure out what to do about the rest. I get that he’s your son and you want him to be happy, but kids grow up and also need to learn how to make themselves happy. I really wish you all the best and hope you can make the tough decisions here that are best for you!

I'd like to know when this wedding is taking place, why are the kids getting married so young, and will they be able to afford their own living expenses after marriage?

Seems like there just isn't money available for a large or even medium-sized wedding. So if these young people really want to get married at their age, then a very small wedding is in order. Like someone suggested: 20-30 people Total.

It's great that you as a parent are being so generous and supportive. But really the young couple should be taking the lead on planning things, and then you can help.

You should not have to destroy your budget for this wedding to happen.

It was kind of hard to follow this whole story but it sounds like you're being walked all over. Do not pay for anything you didn't approve, period. Do not let them bring extra guests they can't pay for. Traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding, my parents factored this in as an expense for my sister and I a long time ago and have saved and sacrificed which I really appreciate. I know this has gone by the wayside a little bit, but the reason that this tradition has held for many people is that the wedding details are typically planned mostly by the bride. Though I love my FILs it would have been horrible if they were paying and I felt like I had to run every decision by them, or base my budget upon their means. This way I am able to design the kind of wedding I want with my dream dress, colors, flower arrangements, photographer, decorations, cake, and venue, and my FH has really only cared about food and drinks, church, and music but was 100% willing to make that as a joint decision. I know I'm rambling now but this is why the groom's family should not be paying - your son probably doesn't care at all about most of these details. So I would explain to your FDIL and FILs that this is not something you are able or willing to handle on your own - lay out exactly what you are and aren't willing to pay for and how much - include anything that makes or breaks a reasonable, nice wedding ceremony and party for your son, and leave out anything non-essential or that your FDIL just wants to suit her own tastes. And don't plan anything above and beyond what you've listed. Leave it there. If FDIL wants fancy food, flowers, limo, pricey invitations, tell her you're sorry but she needs to go to her own parents. How can a functioning adult not have $1000 to their name?

I agree with everyone else that this is not your job. I would also say ‘I’m contributing x amount, let me know when you need the check!’ They should be making these decisions and if they are unable to, then i think they are a little too young to marry and maybe should wait a bit until they have good jobs and savings. I could not have had the wedding i wanted at 19 or 21. I couldn’t afford to buy a house either to be honest, so i would have considered myself way too young to marry even with my parents help!

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Haha- I didn't buy my house until I was 36, and I was only able to afford it because of the housing crisis and my no $ down VA loan. If I'd waited to "adult" until then I sure would have had a long wait. I live in CA though-everything's more expensive here.