Am I Being A Bridezilla?

It seems like you're hurt because you would absolutely do the same for her, and that hurts when you know you'd be totally up for it and want to support her and do the best you can for her but she won't do the same for you. I think this is a big reason of why people get upset about people not being excited about their weddings. You'd be the best friend ever, and always engage her and help her plan and book all the flights in the world, but unfortunately this happens way too often.

If it is so important to you that she is included in all your pre-wedding shenanigans, you need to take the party to her. Go to her hometown and have your bachelorette/ paintball thing there. If she was a priority to you, you would make the effort to go (by your own logic). You even already found the flights that will work, so you're halfway there! Good luck and have fun.

Demanding she travel across the damn country for anything other than your literal wedding is completely unreasonable.

I would be upset if I told you I couldn't come and you researched flights for me to prove that I could. Like, that would really piss me off. Sounds like she was trying to politely decline, and you're making it difficult for her to be polite.

I think in my frustration, I did not word my original post concisely enough. I do not demand or expect her to be here for all of the wedding events no matter how important any of them are to me. I do not demand that she take my engagement pictures, wedding event pictures, bridal, or wedding day pictures. I have hired two photographers for the events I want pictures from and my engagement pictures have already been done by a separate photographer. For some of these, she has asked if she can take pictures for her own portfolio and I told her of course and I'd be happy to fill out model release forms for her to use the images she captures freely for her portfolio or marketing purposes. She had stated to me on numerous occasions how she wanted to come out for multiple events and I simply asked her if combining events would be easier for her. I do not demand she be at paintballing, nor anyone else in the wedding party. However, when I ask her for more information so I can plan accordingly, I keep getting mixed information from her. I am not demanding anything of her other than being at my wedding day I was simply trying to get more information from the numerous mixed information I was getting from her so I can plan accordingly.

Aly, who gets to decide if the reasons are legitimate? You?

Brittany, you shouldn't be planning your own showers or B-party. You know that right? She's trying to gently tell you to plan without her. So plan without her. Don't try and look up flights, figure it out, bend over backwards to make this work. It will look like you're pressuring her. It sounds like it to me, at least.

I think people are being a little hard on you in my opinion. It's your day and if she didn't want to do these things then she needs to be upfront with you and say so. All my bridesmaids are out of state so I will be going to N.Y to do my things there that will be planned for me. Bottom line, make your plans, send her an invite with plenty of time to take off and if she comes great, if not then don't worry about it. And you are probably not getting the shoes either lol. Good luck

@Jacks, I'm not planning my own anything. My MOH is doing that, my BM said she wanted to come so I was simply asking her how I could potentially make it easier for her as my MOH said we can be flexible with B-party dates. I wasn't trying to pressure her. As I told Carousel earlier, I looked up flights because she hadn't and she told me that I could. I've already text her and apologized for potentially pressuring her or overstepping boundaries as that was never my intention to begin with. We got into a strange NWR discussion a few days prior to the conversation about the b-party but I hardly think that has anything to do with it. We did disagree with each other but it was completely respectful and we both left it at "agree to disagree" and changed the subject to something else and were completely fine.

@Michelle, Haha, thank you. It was never about the shoes and I've already now ordered them myself. I was never quit sure why she wanted to buy my shoes. Since she originally offered to I hadn't heard anything more from her about it so I just went ahead and ordered them myself without any follow up.

@Jacks Why can't I plan my own B-party or shower? Not that I am, I'm just curious.

Because it's against etiquette to plan parties in your own honor.

^^ What she said

Dangit! For 26 years I've been planning my own birthday! Just kidding...

I'm sure the first 15 were planned by my parents.

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to fly all day into a different time zone at that. Party all night. Then fly back the next day. Only to rest about 2-3 hours because of jet lag and partying all weekend and go to work? I bet you wouldn't. This is the cost of having a bridal party all over the country. What she does with her pto is her business. Her world doesnt stop because youre getting married

I have always planned my own birthday parties as an adult, Brittany. The difference is there is no expectation of a gift. In my social circle, it's the norm for the birthday person to say, "hey I'm having a get together at Blend on Friday for my birthday. Come through!"

A bridal shower is a gift giving event. You "shower" the bride with gifts. That's the whole point of a shower.

Everyone, I have moved on. I had one discussion with her about it and one follow up text asking if she had any information for me (which in our first discussion she had stated she'd have for me by that time I asked the follow up). My MOH asked me if she would be joining us as she needed a head count so I asked BM at the time she told me she would have more information. I got the runaround and told MOH to go ahead with planning and when things were solidified I'd forward information and see where we landed. BM originally told me she would be coming for b-party but then said later there may be difficulty travelling and I asked her if she'd looked on Alaska as I feel they were easy to work with and I know they have direct flights, she said not yet and was at work so she couldn't look but that I could, so I did, found some options and got another reason she was unable to attend. From that second text saying there was a lot of time between now and then and she said she would have to wait and see I said "Okay" and told MOH it was unclear if she could attend but to not hold off on making plans because of it.

I don't know your friend, but I will say my bff - love her to death and she would probably do most things I asked of her, is not a partier and goes to bed way early and after working all week and flying 6 hours across country would not be down to go out. I also have a friend from college who can't commit to anything, and I know this about them! So I probably wouldn't expect much. I would lower your expectations slightly - it is a LONG distance! I understand it sucks, everyone wants their closest friends to be involved in everything

P.S. not saying your friends are just like mine, just saying not everyone is down for something like that.

I was making a joke, I've already told MOH I don't want a bridal shower so no one will be showering me with gifts. I really don't need lessons on etiquette.

I would feel fine being on a flight across country and then going out as I have done it before as has she. We both have gone on trips together for the weekend where we have done this. My suggestion was not solely based off of my needs/wants but also experiences with my best friend and knowing how she travels.

I regret posing this question here as many of the questions require knowing her which no one here would know her so it leaves far too much information as unknown. I've traveled with her with much ease in getting off a Friday night flight at 11pm after changing time zones and then going out, barely sleeping all weekend, and leaving early Sunday morning.

BM originally said she wanted to attend these events knowing I live all the way across the country.

110% what @Rachel said. Very quality advice

Maybe she just doesn't like all of the pre-wedding stuff, but didn't want to seem unsupportive of you. Shrug.

You say that you don't need a lesson in etiquette but you posted on a forum that gives advice on etiquette. Soo...okay? Also, just because she used to fly cross-country to party and fly back in the past does not indicate her likelihood to do it in the future. Sure, we don't know her. You *obviously* know her better than we do. We are trying to help you understand that her responses to your wedding expectations are typical of someone who lives time zones away and has their own life and responsibilities. We are trying to give you an idea of what to expect from someone who lives so far away. We are trying to give you tips on etiquette.

Feel free to ignore all of our advice, but why post on a forum if you don't want advice?