Am I Being A Bridezilla?

You are expecting way too much of her. You want her to fly across the country for a 1 day event? I wouldn't do it.

I'm sure it seemed like a nice thought for you to look up flights for her. But, she may see it as you being pushy and trying to dictate how she spends her time and money. She said that she needs a day of travel for each way. And she can not take any time off work. Trust her to know her limits and how to schedule her time. Like someone else said, even with the evening Friday flight, it sounds like it won't work. If the flight does leave Charleston around 530pm, she will still have to take time off work most likely. She will need to allow time to get to the airport and through security. Then when landing, she may be tired from the travel and work and the time change won't help. I wouldn't want to go out that night. Then a full day and night of events followed by an early morning to be at the airport and long day of travel. Sounds like a good set up for a miserable and tired next week for your friend.

And you do not get to judge how she spends her vacation time. Ifnshe chooses to take other trips in stead of going to your paintball party, that's her choice. She earned those days off.

Trust your friend to make her own schedule. If She finds out later that she can make it, she will let you know. Otherwise, schedule your events, let people know when they are and see who can make it.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Taking a 6 hr flight after a full day of work, changing time zones, then going out the next morning and night, and then fly back the next morning sounds like a nightmare. I'd rather buy you the shoes too!

If you want e-pics sooner than when she can do them, then pay for a photographer. Otherwise (and understandably) she'll schedule them when she has no other paid work.

One of my BM is in Washington, I'm in NY. that's an exhausting day of travel, and in my opinion although it's doable- she probably would be exhausted/miserable hopping off a flight, and immediately going out for a jam packed 24-36 hour visit.

I wouldn't say you're being a bridezilla, because I can definitely understand being disappointed if she can't be there, but give her time. Yes planning things ahead is appreciated when dealing with other schedules, but people also get caught up in the moment. I was so excited after my BM said yes to being in the wedding I almost booked a flight so we could go dress shopping.

Trust that she's not blowing you off and taking all these vacations but ignoring that you'd want her to be with you for these events. Cross-country is definitely tough, but at least she'll be there for your big day!

If I told someone I couldn't make something and then they researched and explained to me that actually I *could* do it, I would be very very turned off and annoyed. Like pp said, take the hint. She doesn't want to go. That part was pretty cringey, even if you had good intentions.

Richard: I’m sorry I can’t “take a damn hint” and expect adults to be upfront and say what they want/feel/need instead of beating around the bush. She knows I would not be offended if she very honestly declined...because I’m a big girl and can handle someone not being able to attend said events. Which I very clearly stated in my original post. I understand now that asking for strangers’ opinions on a situation like this is moot because it requires an understanding of each person which naturally no one here would have. Mistake on my part. It’s a little less than a six hour flight, yes I’m well aware of the concept of jet lag and working all week, I’m not a complete idiot. To everyone’s credit. You don’t know this woman and have no understanding of how her body works. I have met her in New Orleans off an 11pm flight and then gone out dancing all night. A weekend trip where she flew in on a Friday evening and she left at 3am on a Sunday. So I did not feel my suggestion was that far fetched from the things I have experienced with and from her. I’m also not trying to tell her how to spend her weekends or her vacation time. I simply asked her which events, if any, she might be able to attend. She had told me she would be here for my bachelorette party but then said depending on when the paintball (I’m sorry you are all so put off by this but my entire wedding party thinks it’ll be a lot of fun. Glad I chose people who like to have fun in similar ways as FH and I. Goes to show I chose the wedding party correctly rather than by GEOGRAPHIC CONVENIENCE) event was she may or may not be able to come. So I asked her if it would be easier or if she’d want to try and combine some events so she could make it to more of them as she has told me she wants to be very involved. So I wasn’t demanding her to attend more events or trying to force her into a jam packed weekend of things I want to do. Janel: having e-pics done sooner is what I wanted and hiring another photographer is exactly what I did without any hard feelings, complaint, or disappointment. Which is also clearly stated in my original post. If you refuse to read the entire thing please refrain from commenting.

Girl, you can't tell us not to comment. It's in the community guidelines that you agreed to read and follow when you created your account.

Being disappointed that your friend can't attend your pre-wedding events? Non-zilla.

Researching her schedule and ignoring her decline by going behind her back to look up flights and saying ACTUALLY you CAN go and this is how?

Zilla. And rude behavior.

Carousel. Fair enough. I had asked her if she’d looked into flights. She said no. I asked her if I could. She said yes.

Something I think people forget on these forums is that we chose our closest people to us to be in the bridal party. It seems you did that... you want her here for all of these moments and events. Which is hard because she lives so far away....

I have the same issue with one of my bridemaids... she live in chicago and I live in ohio. Its not easy for her to get here for a weekend.

You could take the party to her. By that I mean you do your thing here with the girls and groomsmen then make a special trip out to see her and do things together.

My fiances best friend lives a few hours away and thats what ended up happening. Schedules did line up for the group thing so my fiance is traveling to see him. It makes it a little more personal. You could try to get some wedding stuff done. Gossip, grab lunch and just enjoy each other. It will make her feel apart of the party.

You are not a bridezilla... you are planning a wedding which for me and Im sure for you is the most important day in our lives. I want it to be perfect. But its hard when we focus on the little things.

Make sure she booked her flights to be home the day before the wedding and keep your head up!

Yep, you're officially bridezilla. Don't ask for advice and then get even more upset because the advice wasn't what you wanted to hear.

@OP You must have at least suspected you were getting into bridezilla territory or you wouldn't have asked. No point in getting mad at the forum for confirming your fears.

@Brittany your last comment added some context that I was missing from the situation (whether I missed it in my first read through, or you didn't mention because there's only so much info you can put into one post).

If your BM actually asked you to / said you could look into flights for her to attend, I take back my "Zilla" vote.

ETA I know from experience how easy it is to get defensive when a bunch of people are telling you the same thing over and over. Take breaths and try not to react as though people are piling up on your post, even though that's how it feels. Each of the responses, taken one at a time, would be neither overwhelming or offensive. It's the mass of comments that push people into feeling attacked.

My advice, even though you didn't ask, would be Look at each one individually, not as a clump. Or don't look at them at all for a while, if you start feeling attacked/defensive. Decompress and read again when you feel calm.

That time change is brutal. On that first night, your 8:30 would be her 11:30 and I know I wouldn't feel like getting all dressed up after a terrible flight. If you do go out that nights it's also reasonable to think she'll be up for 24 straight hours which isn't good for you and not fun. That direct flight might also be on a shitty airline and that's another issue entirely. You're definitely expecting too much and need to back off on your demands of your friends. She knows her life better than you do and she can find her own flights if she decides to travel.

ETA: just saw the update, she tried to tell you bluntly she didn't want to go! You even said that she told you she's need to take time off to go so she wasn't going to come, but you didn't listen to her. You got a very up front, no beating around the bush answer but it wasn't the one you liked so you're trying to guilt her into giving you the answer you want. You already have an answer, just take it

Okay now you're being a bridezilla. If you only wanted people to agree with you, why did you bother posting the whole thing? You should have just told us what you wanted us to say.

I’m not entirely sure why everyone thinks I’m upset. Perhaps it’s an instance of tone not being conveyed well through text.

Taking off work is hard. She might go on vacations all the time, but when you have a very small limited amount of time off, to spend those vacation days on someone else is hard. I have to chose between my own wedding, my friends wedding and my sisters graduation. Yes you're looking into lots of opportunities for her to come out, but understand she's busy, might not want to commit so far out.

Oh this got fun!

First no one is ragging on you for paintball. Most of the comments are saying re-think your expectations and you think we care about paintball? No. You do you. No one cares about what y'all think is fun when you are asking about expectations of the BP.

I'm assuming the geographic convenience was aimed at me. I'm sorry I'd rather my best friends not have to worry about the stress of traveling purely for the sake that I am getting married. Even if you pay for her plane ticket there's a lot more additional money that goes into traveling she may not be able to handle rn. I feel so bad for her. She seems to be giving you subtle hints (depending on the time for attending paintball whether she will attend) because she's afraid of upsetting you. I don't blame her. Even as an "adult" you don't want to disappoint a close person. I think you need to rethink your expectations and stop attacking a community that is trying to help you.

@MrsbdeG agreed! Op just back off, let her decide. Nothing is mandatory, she only needs to show up on your wedding day wearing the proper dress. Give her some slack.

Yeah it sucks she can't take you e-pics and it sucks she may miss the bachelorette and paint balling but TBH I wouldn't want to go across the country to go paint balling lol. I know that's not all you had planned but I'd rather sleep in, especially after that long flight

Also, I absolutely adore your comment that it's "a little less than a six hour flight". So that means she is EASILY spending at minimum 12 hours round trip traveling for a weekend? That's insane! I live 7 hours from my home and only would ever consider doing that trip if I was able to catch up on sleep at some point. Please lower your expectations.

Tone is impossible to convey w/ any accuracy through the interwebz, but for what it's worth, yes, you came off defensive and irritated in your reply (and PLEAAAAAASSE use paragraphs. It is so freakin' hard to read those big long blocks of text!)

I mean, I get it, to a degree. You love your best friend, you chose her for a reason, and it's only natural to want her to be a part of things as much as possible. I'm also pretty up front and honest, and I don't beat around the bush if I can't do something. But not everyone is like that, and even if she *knows* she could tell you she just can't commit, and even if she *knows* you've told her to just be honest...that can be hard for certain people. I think you might need to tone back your expectations in that regard. I agree with PP, she's given a lot of indications that she just. can't. do. it, and you need to respect that and stop pushing. I don't think that's any kind of commentary on your friendship, it's just the limitations she's working under.

"She knows I would not be offended if she very honestly declined...because I’m a big girl and can handle someone not being able to attend said events. "

Clearly, you are offended. She knows you well, so I'm sure she knows this is what your reaction would be and she's afraid to overly offend you. She probably told you it was okay to look into flights so she wouldn't be rude.

Let her live her life.