Am I Being A Bridezilla?

Next time type it all out and copy/paste.

I do not expect, nor require her to be at all wedding related events because taking off of work and paying for flights all the way across the country for an engagement party, bachelorette party, wedding party meet, bridal shower, etc is just unreasonable and unnecessary. I text her the other day and asked her which events she thought she might be able to attend just so I could get a feel of what to expect. (Not all our bridesmaids and groomsmen know each other so FH and I are planning to do a paintballing trip with the wedding party so everyone can get more comfortable with one another.) My best friend said she cant take that much time off of work (which is understandable but still frustrating because she goes on vacation all the time) but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and worked off the assumption that those vacations were already planned and she has used all of her vacation hours. I told her the bachelorette party would only be a weekend thing, no need to miss work and that we could make sure the paintballing event happend the same weekend. She said it wouldn't work because she needs a full day for travel, a full day for the event, and another full day of travel back home. So I began looking at flights for her because I know I've flown direct to Charleston and its long, but not all day. I told her I had found a flight from Charleston to Seattle on a Friday evening so she wouldn't have to miss work flying out. With the timezone change she'd get here at 8:30 and that would give us time to go out that night. We could do paintballing the next morning, go out that night again, and there was another direct flight leaving Seattle for Charleston that Sunday morning. No work time to be missed! Then she hit me with a "well there's just so much time between now and then. We'll have to see". I felt that all of the advanced notice would be helpful in making sure she was available. She offered to pay for my wedding shoes, which ARE expensive and cost as much as a two way flight, but I told her if money was the issue that I would much rather have her here than the shoes. I kind of feel like I'm getting the runaround and I would have much rather her said no to being a bridesmaid if she didn't really want to. It's frustrating and while I want to say something to her I want to make sure I'm not just being irrational first. I've never had trouble getting time off of work when I give advanced notice but perhaps I'm just lucky with the jobs I have. (I have three jobs plus school which may be what makes her "not having time" frustrating as I have on numerous occasions made the effort to go visit her and she has yet to come and visit or make an effort)

RealLindseyO

Sorry, I didn't realize how long this was going to be. I also didn't realize you'd be waiting with bated breath for me to finish.

Maybe she doesn't feel like dealing with an airport, a flight, and then going partying. It's not like getting off a bus. Flying knocks some people out.

Honestly, she doesn't need to attend anything but the wedding. It doesn't matter if she gets to know the rest of the bridal party and feels comfortable with them or not. They just need to be civil, which adult strangers can manage. They're just going to be standing in line together, not having an orgy. The comfort requirements are pretty minimal.

Also, you're being pretty possessive of her free time. It doesn't matter if she already planned her vacation, used her days or whatever. They're HER days. If she doesn't want to spend them at a paintball party, that's her business.

So yeah. If you want to avoid the zilla thing, step back. As long as she makes it to the wedding, she's fine.

Wow, South Carolina to Washington state and you want her to make that flight for what's essentially one day of visiting? That's a lot to ask. Let it go.

What else do I have to do at 0300 but decide if people are being bridezillas?

I hate to use the term Bridezilla but I think you are expecting a little much. She is so far away that I would only expect her to show up for the wedding. Honestly, lower your expectations overall. You'll be heartbroken during your entire wedding planning process.

Honestly, this is the reason why I only asked local girls to be my BMs. I knew I'd be disappointed if some of my OOT guests who were BP wouldn't be able to come.

I don’t think you’re being a bridezilla but it certainly might turn out that way. 1) You’re right that flying across the country for an engagement party, a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a wedding party greet is unreasonable and unnecessary. Two of my bridesmaids didn’t come to any of those. They came to the rehearsal dinner and the wedding and I survived. 2) “My best friend said she can’t take that much time off work (Which is understandable but frustrating because she goes on vacation all the time).” Right, so it’s none of your business what your friend does with her hard earned PTO answers. If I was your friend, I would be using my PTO on my personal vacation not wasting them on multiple events for someone else’s wedding. Yes, I would use a day or two for the wedding but I wouldn’t prioritize multiple events for not my wedding on my hard earned PTO, certainly not a paintball party. She may have great vacations planned and I’m sure you’d do the exact same thing in the moment. 3) Agree with PPs that travel knocks people out and exhausts them. It’s about a 6 hour flight direct from Charleston to Seattle, no? With your timing, you want her to get on a flight at 530 PM Charleston time (depending on the airport, she may have to take off work to get to that), jump on a six hour flight, land at 1130 Charleston time (she WILL be tired after a full week of work and six hours of travel so the time change will be an issue), and then you want her to go out that night. Then the next day, you have a full day planned and she gets to spend the next day all day flying back home (airport + six hours in the air + the time going forward three hours will be at least nine or ten hours). Yes that’s a lot to ask for one day. 4) “I would much rather her said no to being a bridesmaid if she didn’t want to.” I think she wants to support you and be your bridesmaid but it’s tough being a cross country bridesmaid and it’s unreasonable to think she will fly out multiple times. Again, two bridesmaids didn’t fly out for anything except the wedding for me. 5) wedding party doesn’t need to know each other. All they need to do is walk together. Half my bridal party met each other at the rehearsal and they did great. 6) you said she hasn’t been able to come out and visit you. Getting time off is hard, flights are expensive, and travel is rough. It sounds like you are used to her not making an effort to come out to Seattle so you could have expected this. Perhaps she’s not as fortunate as you, as good with travel, maybe there’s something beyond the surface. If she’s really your best friend, I’d back off and just be happy she will be there with you on your wedding day.

Here are just a few articles directly from Wedding Wire about what you should expect from your bridal party.

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/what-to-expect-when-you-are-the-maid-of-honor

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/the-ultimate-maid-of-honor-duties-checklist

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/8-things-every-maid-of-honor-should-do

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/10-things-your-bridesmaids-need-to-do-on-your-wedding-day

Each of these are articles about "jobs" a MOH and BM are expected to perform aside from wearing a specific dress and showing up. I know each bridal party is different, and expectations will be different in every situation.

In your particular situation, I'd try to take a step back. That is a LONG distance to travel, and travel itself is exhausting. She may not even feel like going out once she gets through fighting airport traffic and security feeling her up. And then she gets to turn around a do it again and somehow have energy for work the next day. Be disappointed, sure. We all get disappointed when our friends can't hang with us. But don't let it get to you.

Wait I'm confused... what do your e-pics have to do with any of this?

Your engagement doesn't give you authority to dictate how your friends spend their time. Specifically their vacation time!

ETA I would try to get out of paintball if I were a BM in a wedding and the bride was trying to make us all play together. If she sounded interested in attend your bachelorette but turned noncommittal once you added paintball with everyone onto that event, that's probably what's happening.

You expect someone to fly across the country for one day for your bachlorette!?

I agree with others that you're expecting too much.

Forcing people to play paintball to get to know each other? Please don't, I'd be annoyed if I was in a wedding and the bride wanted us to do this.

Yup

I do not think you're being a bridezilla and I would be upset too. Best friends should be better than that! Money and timing are always difficult to manage, but when something is a priority to you, you make it happen! I don't think you're expectations of her coming to your area twice in a year are that unrealistic. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, expecting your best friend to be an active participant in your wedding (and in your life) is just what best friends are there for. Best friends are not decorations.

I don't think you're a bridezilla. I think you're not understanding where she's coming from and your expectations reflect that. She agreed to be your bridesmaid. She did not agree to additional trips and additional expenses. You don't know what's happening in her life and you're not in a position to decide if she's going on too many other vacations. So those are the facts.

Based on the facts, here are your options: You feel honored that she's agreeing to come all the way across the US for what is, essentially, a party for YOU and you stop pressuring her to come out to other stuff. Or you can be pissy, pushy, and likely lose a friend.

I won't sugarcoat it. If I told someone I couldn't come because of XYZ, I would expect them to trust that and drop it. If they then went and tried to figure out my itinerary I would be extremely put off by that person. It comes off as 1-being needy and 2- being inconsiderate. Traveling five hours by plane for a day of PAINTBALL and then having to do the same flight back? You're not just asking for monetary resources, here, you're also now asking for her time and her mental/emotional resources which she may not have available to invest in a paintball weekend.

Maybe not bridezilla (although you are putting your toes into the water) but you are micromanaging another persons life pretty seriously, which is really off putting.

No one will be as excited about your wedding as you, and for most people a wedding doesn't get on their radar until at most a few months before.

Calm down, give her the details for the things you would like her to attend, and let her decide what (if any besides the wedding) she decides to FLY ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY for.

You're being a bridezilla.

If my friend was expecting this much of me, I'd seriously reconsider the friendship.

It's one thing to offer to do something nice for someone.

It's another to be expected to do it.

I am a bridesmaid for a wedding coming up, and I was given responsibilities by the bride for things to do at the shower, dictated what to wear at the bachelorette, etc. I probably would have done those things anyway, but being told those things make me salty. Like @Greenebunny, I get paid commission once per month - some months are good, some months barely cover the bills. Don't tell me how to spend my damn money.

I don't think you're being a bridezilla, but I think that in all of your trying to be accommodating, you might be overwhelming her.

The BP doesn't need to get to know each other. If paintball is something you want to do with your friends, then fine, but don't set it up as a meet and greet for everyone. They're there to stand up for your wedding, and they'll be time for them to mingle if they so choose, but don't force them to spend extra time together.

I think I get what you're trying to do in looking up the flights for her, but I think that's overstepping your boundaries. Whether or not she has the vacation time, or there's flights she can take without missing work, it's still up to her to do those things. If it's not feasible for her it's not feasible. If she just doesn't want to, she doesn't want too - and that's fine. She only has to show up for the wedding. I would suggest giving her the details for the events you have planned, and if she can make it, GREAT, but if not, don't sweat it and don't look for ways to make it work for her. If she really wants to be there, she'll be there.

Again, don't think you're being a bridezilla, and I get that you'd love to have her for these things, but I think you should lower your expectations and ease up a bit.

I don't think you have reached Zilla level... yet. You have a lot of expectations and they are not realistic. All those pre-events aren't necessary. Be happy for the events she can attend and enjoy the ones she misses out on.

I was a BM in a wedding and the bride wanted me to fly to CO two weeks before her wedding for her shower, bachelorette, help with DIYs and the wedding. I told her "no, I have a career, I cannot do that". I'm sure she was annoyed but what can you do? I have to live my life too and aint nobody tryna spend 14 days on a hotel $$$.

I agree with PP... not a complete bridezilla but you are definitely overstepping boundaries here. I'm sure she looked up those same flights but came to a completely different conclusion. I travel about 50% of the time for business and it is EXHAUSTING. The most exhausting flights are from the East to West Coast. Seriously think about what you proposed to her... work all week, fly to the west coast on a Friday evening after working, land in Seattle and then go out and party because it won't be late due to the time change. Um, do you not think this poor woman is going to be tired? News flash, if she was back home it would be time to go to bed! Same unrealistic expectations on the way home. Not to mention, I always have jet lag after going coast to coast and feel like crap. It takes a few days for someone to adjust.

End of story... no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. While you see this as a reasonable way to cram in a weekend trip, it's the complete opposite to someone who is not the bride or groom.