Absent Bridesmaids

Honestly, I'm surprised some of you have friends left after all this. I would never treat my friends like shit. My wedding is important to me but I also understand that it is essentially an unnecessary party. I would never expect my loved ones to spend hours planning MY party and spends hundreds of dollars. Also, your articles are not from etiquette sides. That's why we are laughing.

@Shana-The knot is a website that is geared to make money. Anything that makes them more money is A-ok by them, regardless of how it makes people feel. I would believe a bunch of strangers that have nothing to gain over a website that is trying to get people to spend as much money as they can.

The knot also says it isn't rude to have a honeyfund or exclude your guests SO if they will know other people at the wedding that they can sit with/talk to. The Knot articles give some TERRIBLE advice.

They have to pay for a dress that they may only wear once, that you most likely pick out. They have to sacrifice almost an entire weekend to be by your side (rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, ceremony, reception). That in itself is a lot. If they don't want to do anything else, I would totally understand. Like PP's have stated, put yourself in their position. You asked them and they said yes, that is favor enough IMO.

Hey ladies, this is the OP. I guess I should have clarified more. There were bridal showers thrown for me by 1. my church and 2. my grandmother. I invited every one of my bridesmaids because where I come from, it is tradition for the MOH to sit next to the bride and record gifts just to help keep track of who to send "thank yous" to later. My FH is in the army and is not here. So he is not able to help me plan most of the wedding. My bridesmaids offered to help me do anything with the wedding because they knew I was alone, but when it came time to be present at pre-wedding events or offer advice when I was planning the wedding, each one of them has been too busy. I am stressed beyond measure and I had hoped my bridesmaids would have at least been a listening ear or present whenever I needed them. I guess I was just wrong to want them for more than a warm body next to me on the wedding day. I guess that was just selfish of me, because I was by no means being a "poor me" type of person.

OP here again because I've read even more of the comments now. For the ones of you who keep saying "put yourself in their shoes" or "how could you expect this of them, they aren't your slaves." Obviously ladies, I know that. I have been a bridesmaid in several of their weddings already and attended every shower that was thrown for them and I helped plan bachelorette parties for them even if I wasn't the MOH. I expect nothing from the girls in my wedding, but there's always hoping that they'll be more involved in my big day than simply showing up for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself. I guess I got my hopes up too high. I would cross oceans for my closest friends' big days but apparently I'm an odd man out with that mindset. Thank you for your responses, even if they did not really help in the long run.

@Hannah I am sorry that they couldn't attend your showers but again, it shouldn't be required of them. Most of my bridesmaids could not attend my showers, they simply had other obligations. I missed them being there but was not upset- they have their own lives and responsibilities and that is their priority, not my wedding or bridal shower. Many people will often volunteer to help but when it comes down to it cannot follow through with their offer. I get that its disappointing when that happens but that's life sometimes. Anyone who volunteered to help me I gave them the information to help and if they showed up, they showed up- if they didn't, I got it done without them. It can be disappointing when you have given more than you have received in return but that can happen. And that doesn't mean your friends don't care for you. I had a BM who's son has a very serious medical condition. Leading up to the wedding his health was not good and he was often in the hospital, including the night of our rehearsal dinner. She felt bad for missing as much as she did leading up to the wedding but her son is her priority. And my priority was having her there on my wedding day! I get that the planning can be overwhelming. But just take things one at a time. Everything will come together and you will have a beautiful wedding!

Https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/etiquette-advice/maid-of-honor-duties-checklist

Hey WAMW, KM Miami2NorthernVA, and Massy. I'll just leave this article from Wedding Wire right here... Nobody is asking people to be slaves. There is a huge grey area in between just show up in your dress and being slaves, lol. OP: I get it, I did help my best friend with some things beyond just showing up in the dress for her wedding, and right now she is doing the same for me. The rest of the bridesmaids are doing their thing and pretty much showing up day of in regards to wedding planning (with the exception of future SIL who is helping with some things). About half are coming to bachelorette party. All help is appreciated and not required, however you do kind of expect some extra help from your MOH. Like I said above, you really can't force people to do anything in the end so you have to let it slide ultimately. But, you are allowed to be disappointed and have feelings about them not helping you as much as you've helped them.

Many often do help, but I think the expectation you had as the bride that they will help is why you're getting these comments- a quick search on the forum would have brought up a discussion like this- there is at least on every week- I'm sorry you had high expectations, and that they were crushed- it sucks-but a reality check is in order-

Most of us are planning this all on our own without help- my thought is if you can't handle the whole planning then you shouldn't plan so much- or hire a wedding planner!!!

Hope you figure it out!

Take care

ETA words

Again, I will clarify. I "expect" nothing of my bridesmaids, I only hoped that they would extend the same amount of enthusiasm and effort towards my wedding as I had done for theirs. That is my fault. Furthermore, to everyone harping on my use of the phrase "fire my bridesmaids," at no point in time have I ever thought of them as employees in a position to be fired. I simply meant that I get the impression from my girls that they don't really want to be a part of my big day, and if that is the case, I wish I had known sooner so they could have felt free to back out. However, my engagement was only 4 months long and they probably felt pressured into saying yes, which was not my intention whatsoever. I really just wanted my closest friends to be supportive as I planned this on my own in my FH's absence. My apologies for making it seem like anything more than I meant it to be. I value my friends tremendously and have no intentions of letting this ruin our friendships. I truly wish I had not posted on this forum.

Hannah don't let it get to you people tend to be a little blunt. I get it!! Trying to look at different persepctives I think perhaps a lot of these brides have circles of friends where people are independent while wedding planning, whereas in our circles its the social norm to help each other out with wedding planning. So I don't think anybody is right or wrong here, it seems like in your circles the norm has been helping each other out. I get why you are feeling hurt. That being said, I did not realize the engagement was only 4 months. So to play devils advocate, maybe if they had more notice they would have been able to rearrange time to help you. Regardless, one thing I have learned recently is that people will choose their own priorities. I'm sorry that while you chose to be there and help your friends, they are choosing different prioroities (not wrong or right). When people have kids it makes it challenging for them to be able to drop things like they could in the past, so try not to take it personal. But again, I understand your feelings. As we get older priorities tend to change and try to focus on you and FH right now instead of expecting your friends to be there like you wanted. It's a hard pill to swallow and a process but in the end it will only make you happier.

I'm sorry. My BM and MOH are absolutely amazing. Yes I planned my wedding on my own, but they called and checked on me. If I needed advice on center pieces or anything they were right there. They were more excited to plan my bridal shower & bachelorette party than I was. In fact, they wouldn't let me help at all. It might be just me, but my bridesmaids are my ride or die. They'd do anything for me and I for them. And all of 5 of them have 2-3 young children & never hesitated to help me with anything. I'm seriously lucky!

My advice- ask your FH to help. It's his wedding. Why are you doing everything alone? I hardly ever talk to my BM's about wedding. One of them didn't even come to my bachelorette party. Neither of them planned it or my shower and I doubt I'll get ready with them. It's not a big deal. People have lives.

@Sarah- I'm pretty sure my BM's are going to be drinking mimosas with me all day before the wedding. If they are a little tipsy that's okay. As long as they can walk straight I'm good. They don't need to do anything except stand there and look pretty.

The attitude that many of you are demonstrating here, taking the "maid" part of "bridesmaid" way too seriously is why I've turned down every offer to be a BM. Love my friends, but there are a few where I could tell they would have tried to make me their bitch for their wedding and then complain to an entire wedding forum about my lack of participation. Those are the ones that did indeed turn into Bridezillas, too.

People need to remember that these are your friends, not your bitches.

HOW MUCH SOMEONE DOES FOR YOUR WEDDING DOES NOT EQUATE TO HOW MUCH THEY CARE ABOUT YOU AS A FRIEND.

When I chose my MOH and bridesmaids when I got married, it was because I wanted them to share the day with me and stand by me when I got married. Most of my bridesmaids couldn't make it to pre-wedding events because they live far away or didn't have the money. Does that make them a shit friend? No. And no one called me to "check in on me", or offered to do crafts, or whatever else everyone is getting upset with their bridesmaids for not doing. I absolutely will never understand this mentality of equating your friends' worth to how much they'll do for you for your wedding, nor will I understand what the hell someone needs support for when planning a wedding.

I would go to the ends of the earth for my friends in a time of crisis. However, planning a wedding is in no way a crisis situation, so if I don't want to micromanage bridesmaid dress orders, or tell guests where the bathroom is at a venue that I do not work for, or many of the other completely ridiculous things on the multiple "Maid of Honor Duties" lists that are circulating, then I guess to some people that makes me a terrible friend. I'll have to figure out how to live with myself.

Oh, for God's sake, can we just stop the BS...once and for all?. You are not the princess of a small island country. You aren't marrying the guy who's in line for the throne. You're Jane Doe, a woman who had the massive fortune of being born in the US, Canada, or any other first world country. Wah, wah, wah...it gets so tiring to hear all of the lame complaints from women who haven't realized that they aren't Beyoncé, or the current pop star who attracts free attendants and designers from all quarters of the globe.

You're getting married. Congratulations. Nice. Beautiful. If I know you, I'll shed a tear or two at your ceremony, but for God's sake, can you cite anything beyond some idiotic blog or recently written "we'll change wedding etiquette" nonsense that entitles you to have your BMs running around "working" or "supporting" YOUR wedding "dreams and visions". What supports your wedding dreams and visions are dollars...and that's a fact.

Hello, ladies. Welcome to the 21st century. Your mothers and grandmothers fought a long, hard battle, and the spoils included welcoming you into the greater fields of professionalism. Yes, they won, but they won because they remember one of the highlights of their lives being sheer boredom -- cooking, cleaning, driving, and the occasional social event that required them to ooh and ahh over their similarly limited friend's wedding. Sure, they could fold napkins, make centerpieces and potato salad, and whatever else was required, free of charge -- which today have morphed into wedding set ups, break downs, and expensive, budget altering, OOT bachelorette parties.

Today? They're busy. They're working, and they're dealing with people who rely on them and their intellect. Get up to speed. Beyond that, they have children and spouses...families...and you want them to fulfill the roles of wedding decorator or wedding coordinator? LOL, pay for it...and remember, you can't have it all unless you have an unlimited budget.

These "fire my BMs" posts make my stomach turn, and not for the reasons you'd think. They make my stomach turn, not because a bride won't pay for the services she wants, but because this whole approach feeds back into something that's history -- a demeaning history.

She shows up and wears the gown. And that's it. How could you, as a woman, expect her to be a free busy bee pollinating your wedding dream?

Thank you for your input. I'm going to just stop reading these responses now because really and truly there are more girls putting each other down on here than building each other up or being helpful in any way shape or form. To the few of you that read all of my comments, (including when I explained what I meant by not firing my bridesmaids, to what I was actually hoping my MOH and BMs would do, all the way to my FH is IN THE ARMY AND IS NOT HERE which is why I'm doing this alone...) thank you for being able to relate to the wedding culture where I live. For every other one of you in here that is just "being blunt" as you say... obviously we do things a bit differently. Never have I ever asked my BMs to do a craft or decorate my wedding or anything. I simply had hoped that at least one of them would be present at a single pre-wedding event, seeing as how my FH cannot be. Please stop accusing me of being someone that I am not. You do not know me. I am simply a new Bride trying to plan an entire wedding in 4 months on top of having two jobs and going to school full time for my nursing degree. I was overwhelmed when I posted this and was just looking for some reassurance I guess, but that is far from what I got. Some of you need to calm down, there was absolutely no reason for hate. I wanted advice, not hatefulness fueled by your own assumptions of me. Thank you all.

I know this is way too late, but I wanted to say that you were right on being hopeful for help, why would you ask your friends to be your bridesmaids if it's onlly to show up in a dress? who cares about a dress? It's the overwhelming amount of planning and stress a couple has on their journey when their FRIENDS, who were ASKED TO be there for them, need to BE ACTUALLY THERE. Even if it's just hearing out the crying bride or helping the groom to tie his tie. If you cannot do that, don't say yes when being asked to be a bridesmaid or maid of honor. Jesus Christ.

Hannah, I know I’m super late on this post but I came across it looking for advice similar to yours. I am so sorry that the responses to your post only made you feel worse . To all of these women who were just being “blunt”? Shame on you! What happened to just being empathetic or at the very least , decent and kind? We live in a hateful society where people’s opinions are just nasty and mean but tie it all up with a “blunt” bow! Hannah repeated over and over , all she craved was EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ? Planning the most important event of your life , can be stressful. Why is emotional support so hard to give ? It requires no money, nothing but a lending a loving, caring ear! I’m so disgusted by these attitudes, making it seem like she’s burdening her wedding party just by wanting support! Maybe all these “blunt” women need to go back to etiquette school and learn manners!

View Quoted Comment You might be almost 3 years late on this post but I’m super glad I got a notification about your response. Honestly, I will never forget how these women made me feel on this post. Yes, I got married and I survived the day. But I’ve since learned a valuable lesson... not one of my BMs or my MOH we’re actually true friends to me. Go figure. Not only were they emotionally unavailable during my engagement, it was the same case when my daughter was born, then shortly after when my father nearly died, and now most of us don’t speak at all. All I wanted then was to feel like my friends cared as much for me as I did for them, especially on the most important time of my life, but they did not. And they still do not care. I don’t care what so called etiquette these nasty women on this post claimed, if they are your closest and dearest friends, they should be there to lend and ear or a shoulder to cry on or sometimes a helping hand during your engagement if you need it, because it is extremely stressful and emotional. And in my opinion, that’s just what friends are supposed to do, regardless of whether they have BM/MOH status.