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Devoted September 2012

a “thank you” card with no handwritten note?

The Sealpups, on November 28, 2019 at 12:39 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 36

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My friend got married around the same time i did. She was absolutely so sure that she was not going to do “thank you” cards until she asked me what my plan was. I was going to do “thank you” cards no matter what. Not only that but husband and I were lucky enough to have a big group shot of all our guests and we had those pictures made as magnets, as well as pictures we had with our guests added. (Husband and I used cocktail hour to take pics with our guests that had the city skyline and water in the background). Once she knew that was my plan, she immediately ordered hers.

I was finished and wrote all 85+ of our thank you cards the following week. A week after that, I received her thank you card in the mail and SURPRISE, there were pictures. She did NOT write a note... I was actually kind of surprised. There were mutual friends that were also puzzled as there was no note written and speculated it was a last minute attempt to catch up with my “thank you” card giving.
Is it a trend these days to not write a note? Or still considered rude according to etiquette?

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36 Comments

Latest activity by Margaret, on April 8, 2020 at 1:47 PM

VIP September 2020
Willow · on November 28, 2019 at 1:11 AM
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To each their own, but I am certain that most recipients of such a "thank you" would find that lazy and thoughtless
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Devoted June 2021
Caitlin · on November 28, 2019 at 1:29 AM
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A think you card without a “thank you”? Seems odd to me!
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on November 28, 2019 at 1:49 AM
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Unfortunately, some people will use the excuse that times are changing to excuse their actions. I think it's strange for a "thank you" with no true meaning. No matter what, a deep felt appreciation is always needed!
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Devoted August 2021
Erika · on November 28, 2019 at 7:28 AM
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I personally would make sure there's a note. A Card with a picture doesn't really relay that thank you message.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on November 28, 2019 at 7:57 AM
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Personally I feel like thank you cards should never go out of style. It's such a small gesture to let someone know you appreciate them. How hard is that? It sounds like you went above and beyond to make each one personal and I'm sure all of your guests appreciate that.
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Master May 2019
Chandra · on November 28, 2019 at 9:51 AM
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I've always been taught thank you cards are a must! It's just polite to thank people for their time and gifts!
I'd be extremely confused if I got a thank you card with no real content...who does that!?!
Btw your magnet idea is super cute!
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Super March 2020
Jennifer · on November 28, 2019 at 10:28 AM
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A gift is given....we say thank you. Being thankful should never go out of style. If it does...we have a bigger issue on our hands haha.
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Super February 2020
Kaysey · on November 28, 2019 at 10:57 AM
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I think it depends on the person. For me personally, I do think it’s a little rude not to write a note thanking the person for what they did or gifted you. My plan for thank you cards is to personalize them for each guest with a note thanking them for attending, for the gift (if they choose to get us one), or both.
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Expert November 2022
Megan · on November 28, 2019 at 11:08 AM
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Why would someone send a thank you card without a message, I mean I get it to to some point they might all sound the same " thank you for attending, thanks for the gift, really appreciate it" but I would be like what if I got a card without something written in it. The pictues/magnets is super cute.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on November 28, 2019 at 1:28 PM
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Seems lazy and ungrateful to me! People are spending time and money to get you a gift, it takes 2 minutes (or less) to write a quick card thanking them for it. 🙄
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on November 28, 2019 at 1:55 PM
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Well as long as you did your thank you’s the way YOU wanted... what your friend did doesn’t really matter.
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Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on November 28, 2019 at 2:01 PM
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My father in law saw my reaction to the “no note” and he replied, “well maybe she had a lot to write”. With me, that’s no excuse at all... even if I had 1,000 of them to write, I would write it...I’d just need time to plan it out and write little by little each day. We had 160 people at our wedding, groups of 90. I wrote 90 cards, not including the vendors. I wrote them according to
1. People who gave money
2. People who gifted from registry 3. People who traveled + #14. People who traveled + 2 5. People who couldn’t make it but either did #1 or #2 6. People who didn’t give a gift but attended (2 people)
Most importantly, I thanked them for their presence in celebrating with us.
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Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on November 28, 2019 at 2:02 PM
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Same here, especially for an occasion like a wedding, I make sure those cards are special. I’ve been taught that those cards are a must. Her reasoning is that she already thanked everyone for coming at the wedding.
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Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on November 28, 2019 at 2:06 PM
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It does seem lazy to me... also, I didn’t think about this but I wrote an additional thank you card for both the bridesmaid and groomsmen (just their own little note), thanking them for their help throughout the day. I was her bridesmaid (I got married a week before her) and found time to help her out throughout the week and she didn’t mention anything but I’m probably just being judgy now. I shouldn’t expect a thank you.

What’s also lazy is that after being so passionate that she didn’t want a thank you card, she suddenly pulled a 180 and did thank you cards because I did... what’s disappointing is no note. That fell short
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Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on November 28, 2019 at 2:52 PM
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Yeah, you’re right and it’s true. My friend is a copycat and I’m past the point of anger. I think I’m just confused and annoyed. She’s the kid in grade school who asks to read your essay (even if she completed hers) bc your essays are “so good”. Then you read her revised version and you notice phrases, words, the style of writing, and some ideas that were inspired by your essay.

“Yeah, I’m gonna do a photo book now since you are... such a good idea...”
“I didn’t want to have a photo booth bc I didn’t want to spend but it seems like it was a big hit at your wedding. I’m gonna do it too. What do you think? Should I do a photobooth?”
And it’s that asking me for validation thing that annoys me. I always respond with do whatever you want. I’m not sure if that’s her passive way of appeasing me so the copying won’t be that bad
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Master 0000
Judith · on November 28, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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A note about the actual gift, and what it will be used for, or how great it is, is the absolute minimum for good manners. Still.
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Master 0000
Judith · on November 28, 2019 at 3:57 PM
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Kids in some families do not get much attention paid to teaching them about the world, and parents ( if they have them) are often models of what their children never want to be like. Even in many families that look fine from the outside. Kids learn that in every situation, if they pick someone who is approachable, who seems to know what they are doing, and imitate them, in hopes they will learn to be as skilled as that model person in that area. It may be that she is left to teach herself all the things no one bothered to teach her at home. Be flattered, that she imitates you, and considers you a role model. She is likely unsure of herself, and trying to educate herself. She does not seem malicious, so be flattered, like a big sister .
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on November 28, 2019 at 4:07 PM
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First off, I really hope you’re asking this as an etiquette question and not to make yourself feel superior to your friend. I don’t think you can say sending thank you cards is copying your idea. I’m sure she’s had a lot of people suggesting that she send something to her guests if her initial intentions were to not send them. Stop comparing weddings, its not fair to your friend or yourself. If she actually is copying you, I can guarantee you’re the only one who notices, especially in regards to thank you cards.

That being said, while I agree that a handwritten note is best, getting something is much better than nothing. And if you really think about it, people are going to hold on to pictures, whereas a simple thank you card is going to get thrown out. So even if it’s not the most traditional way of expressing thanks, sending pictures will provide your guests with a memento of your wedding day and something they will continue to look at as a token of thanks.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on November 28, 2019 at 4:24 PM
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It sounds like you know how she is. So it’s really no surprise! I have to be honest though... unless you plan a wedding with unique and non-traditional ideas and details, things like photobooths and photo books are pretty common for most weddings.

Also, since your wedding passed, I’m sure it was a beautiful day. You have all your great memories from the wedding day you planned. So keep in mind that whatever your friend plans has no effect on the great day you had.
And as the saying goes, “Imitation is the higest form of flattery”. So soak it up 🥰
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Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on November 28, 2019 at 5:38 PM
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Thanks for your reply. I would like to emphasize that I did not claim that “thank you cards” and photo books were my idea nor were they original. People do them all the time. My gripe is that they were sent ONLY bc she knew I was sending them. She had her reasoning and great but it was only until she asked me what my plan was when she suddenly hopped on the bandwagon. Photos - she had no idea what she wanted to do with hers. People do various things - print them out, put it in the book, scrapbook, etc... again, she only did a photo book because she knew that was my plan.

There is no intention nor was there ever an intention of being superior at all. If you’re gonna be motivated to base your decision because of what your friend is doing, then do it right - add a Handwritten note. Clearly, she didn’t think it through and went on a whim.
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a “thank you” card with no handwritten note?

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