2 Weeks as a Step-Mom & I Had My First "You Must Think I'm Stupid..." Convo

Waiting. That picture is hilarious.

Did you discuss this with his father? To be honest, at 16 if I came home drunk and one of my parents tried to talk to me about the "ills of alcohol", I wouldn't have cared, never mind if my stepmom tried to talk to me about it.

This is a conversation for his parents to have with him, when he sobers up.

He told me that he had only had one sip.

I ask "How long ago?"

"Like.... 45 minutes ago!"

"BS, "Johnny" that doesn't smell like "one sip, 45 minutes ago"

"What??! You can't tell!

.....

How can you tell??"

And then I remind him that part of my last job was to teach 6-hour long alcohol awareness classes...

About effects of alcohol

Rate of metabolism of alcohol

Etc etc etc

"Well.... please don't tell my dad!"

"Whaat??? "Johnny", my role here isn't to try to be cool & hope you'll like me... I'm here to be another adult in your life who tries to set a good example & help you learn to make good choices... and make it to adulthood in one piece!!

And maybe when you're 40, you'll look back on all this & say "wow... I was an idiot. Thanks for trying to look out for me!"

And I'll just say "Hey! It was my pleasure!!"

I'm going to let you go in there & talk to your dad & see if he notices on his own...

And even if he doesn't, I'm going to tell him later"

That child was acting SO weird around everyone when he got inside. WAY overcompensating & acting so interested in everything we were doing (when typically he just walks in, doesn't speak & goes to his room)

Anyway, his dad didn't notice. (And I'm not sure he would have if HE had picked him up!!)

I told his dad about the convo while the son was in the "scrub off the alcohol" 40 minute shower & told him to act normal... just see if he would have noticed on his own. (Nope) and asked him to try to

"turn up" his radar to things like that.

Oy

It's going to be a looooooong journey to adulthood!! (With a 13 year-old & a 9 year-old yet to enter into the "I'm smarter than you. You don't know anything. I'll do what I want!!" phase!)

Eeeeeeeekk!!!!

Again, this is something that needs to be sorted between your SS and husband. You can convey what happened, then step out. You are not this child's mother. It is up to his parents to decide how to proceed. You can end up permanently damaging your relationship with your husband and your stepson if you pursue this further.

I get your viewpoint, Jessie. I'm not trying to get into "what should his punishment be" or any of that. But I did want him to realize that he's not likely to pull the wool over my eyes in regards to drinking & I that I have zero desire to be "cool" in his eyes. (But that I care about him & am trying to help him learn to make smarter choices)

I hope I don't screw up majorly somewhere along the way.... I mean.. I'm GOING to screw up.

But I hope that if I'm operating from a place of "I love this kid and I want him to have good examples / boundaries / etc" maybe I can't screw up TOO badly??

(Hopefully)

@Randi-you are not his parent, you don't have to be his friend, but you have to understand that you need to cede authority for any transgressions to a parent. I had a stepmother as a teenager and she tried to pull the same shit you are. I couldn't have given two fucks what she told me, she wasn't my parent. She couldn't hand out punishment. Even when she did tell my father about my transgressions, all that did was pit her against me. You need to be a neutral party here. Unless you feel this is more that typical teenage behaviour, then stay out of it.

Ok, so out of curiosity, Jessie.... if you had been in my position, how would you have handled the situation?

You're driving home..., you realize he's been drinking...

Then what?

I might be naive, and I may change my tune when my daughter is a teenager, but am I the only one that doesn't think this is a big deal? It's not like he drove, did anything stupid, or even got mouthy with you. He had some vodka at a friend's house...there are teenagers that do much worse.

ETA- Just to clarify, I of course think that underage drinking is an issue and I'd never condone it. I just don't think this particular situation was as serious or dramatic as you made it seem ("step son must think I'm stupid!") That being said however, I do believe that as his step mother, you have the right to speak up when an issue arises, and handle it as you and DH see fit.

Step parent is still a parent. I think you did the right thing. You had a convo and got what you needed. You tried to get your husband to see it on his own, and went from there when he didn't. This isn't trying to be the kids mom, this is being an adult. Kudos to you Randi.

@Jessie I 100% disagree with you, that kind of thinking is what promotes the stigma of step parents not being respected and the "you aren't my real parent attitude" especially when there are people that consider their step parent to be more of a parent than their biological parent.

@jessie- not the best advice there sunshine and quite honestly infuriates me that you think a step parent shouldn't address it.

My FH is a step parent and if one of my twins did this, I would fully expect FH to address it with me. Just bc a stepparent isn't a biological parent doesn't mean they aren't capable of addressing issues that arise.

It's called coparenting.

@randi- I think you handled it well. You and your H have to be one he same page with stuff like that

I think I would have handled it about he same. I'd still let dad know and hope he tells his mom. I'd hope if my daughter had been caught drinking - that her dad would let me know so we can ALL have a conversation with her about it including step parents.

I would have waited until he got home, talked to his father and then waited for his father's game plan.

As a mom, to be honest, this wouldn't bother me and I would wait until my kid was sober before talking to them about drinking. I also wouldn't get angry with them because I'd be a bloody hypocrite. However, I also plan on being a bit more lenient about alcohol, and so long as he doesn't drive, I'm good.

ETA: I never said, she shouldn't address it to her husband. I completely said that buttercup, what I said is she shouldn't be addressing her stepson directly. Reading comprehension is good.

Furnishing is all the way against the law. The cool mom needs to lock her liquor up.

Anyway @Jessie I love you girl but as a step-parent who has been told don't talk to my kids or tell them what to do. I have to side with Randi. She saw a situation and handled it as a person who cares for the child.

Just like a loving coach would or caring teacher, when you see a child doing something that is detrimental to them you correct it.

There are TONS of kids who do worse.

But I also know plenty of kids who started with "vodka at a friend's house" & moved into much worse. Or got DUIs later.

Or died because they drove or got in a car with someone who had just had some vodka at a friend's house.

I don't think I'd be doing him any "favors" by pretending not to notice... or acting like I think it's totally fine.

Kids are going to experiment & test limits.... I just think it is helpful for them to know WHERE those limits are.

There's no one best way to do this. But neither his mom nor his dad WANT him to be drinking , so I'm not going totally rogue on calling him out.

I'm just speaking from experience as a 16 year old who had a stepmom who acted like Randi. I can tell you that your SS is not going to care one iota about what you think or say to him. You really should let his father deal with him.

As someone who has had two step parents for a majority of my life, I think you handled it well. I also don't agree with Jessie, I ultimately had a better relationship with my step mom when I was treated just like her children, you are his family. With that in mind I would still leave any disciplinary action up to the parents.

I think Jessie has a valid point. As a new stepparent, your job is to let his father know what's going on and let him handle it. Any input you have should be through the stepfather, not on your own. The reason is because you have no history with this child. If you were his stepparent for most of his life, maybe, but right now, you're just an adult who isn't his mom, but who is lecturing him. It leads to resentment and could possibly lead to problems between you and your FH if he has different parenting ideas.

@DeNigris2Be yes, it's a big deal. Is it anything to lose your mind over? Of course not. But it isn't something that should be encouraged or overlooked either, in my opinion. The fact of the matter is that teenagers are impulsive and can't appropriately predict consequences just by virtue of where they are in the developmental spectrum. Adding alcohol to that, making them more impulsive and disinhibited, is a recipe for disaster. There's a reason 16 year olds aren't allowed to legally drink (in the US).

Being a step parent is such a gray area. If you wouldn't of said anything, you would be confused with not caring by some. Or worse your H.

If you say something, the kids mother will be proud and angry at you parenting her child or you will have people constantly try to put you in your place that you didn't birth the kids or that you aren't their real mom.

@Randi you did would I would of done.

I have never thought that my step-parents were not parents/less of parents. My parent's divorced when I was 10 and were both remarried by the time I was 14. I knew that each and every one of them could/did dicisiple me and what they say goes. It may not have been fun having 4 parents, but we never had the SD/SM isn't your real parent, so ignore what they say household.