2 Weeks as a Step-Mom & I Had My First "You Must Think I'm Stupid..." Convo

Randi you can email your pic to community@weddingwire.com and they'll change it for you.

I think you did the right thing. Step-parents are still parents.

Great job handling this @randi! I completely disagree with @Jessie and growing up there was never a question of of my step parents were any less than my biological parents. They had just as much authority to discipline me and if I came home after drinking underage, they would have had a say for sure. It's pretty irresponsible to say his underage drinking isn't a big deal because he wasn't driving this time.

@ Jessie I have a stepdad who raised me most of my life, as a kid and teenager there were times I was like "you're not my dad why do think it's okay to act that way" but now as an adult, I'm thankful for it. He was much more of a father figure than my own will ever be, and you should NEVER blame a step parent for trying to be a positive role model and influence. She as his step mother still deserves a level of respect. Do you really think her step son would have preferred that she not give him any warning and go to his father without his knowledge? She was honest with him about it. Most any kid would prefer that route in my opinion.

I actually agree with Randi's approach. This is from my perspective as a mom that shares parenting with their Dad's spouse. The "four parents" present a united approach to the kids, and back each other up. I must say though, that my partner and their Dad's partner are kind people with the kids best interest at heart. If you as an step-parent are constantly deferring to the biological parent you are setting the expectation that what you have to say isn't valid. Of course the ultimate responsibility lies with the bio parent, but I think there's lots of room for well meaning step-parenting as well

I also disagree with Jessie. Randi is still a parent that he needs to respect. Most parents that have divorced and remarried want every parent involved to be on the same page and handle the situations how the biological parent would. The only thing I would have added to the conversation is that I'm not happy he drank, but I'm proud of him that he didn't drive.

Randi, your step son is lucky to have you. Great job on noticing a problem and taking action.

Nice work @Randi! I am the future step parent of a 14 year old boy (on Tuesday) and 7 year old girl. I don't leave important conversations to the parents. I am a parent and both mothers and my FH agree in me acting as such. When one of the kids has a problem, whether it be scholastic or behavioral, the mothers reach out to me to talk it out. That's how it should be. You did the right thing and I think your step children will really respect your decisions. Maybe not yet but eventually they will.

Randi I believe you did the right thing. If I were your step son I would be more annoyed if you said nothing in the car and then snitched to my dad. I think what you are showing here is transparency. If he messes up you as a responsible adult will not cover for him you will inform his father. His parents should dish out the punishment but you will ultimately enforce whatever it is his dad or parents decide. Laissez faire parenting usually causes more harm than good. Plus you and your H must be aligned trying to ensure you seem cool to your step son causes you to be in the middle which is nowhere to be. Kudos Randi!!

Haha I can't wait for my son to come home with alcohol on his breath.

I agree with Randi...

I have a step dad i loved him since the 1st day i met him..him and my mom are not togethers and and havent been for 10+yrs and he is still my dad and treats me as such...i still see him and his family all the time..he is more of a father to me and grandfather to my son than my bio is he came into my life and changed it for the better i could not have hand picked another man to rise me

I think you handled it okay, I think it's important that you brought it up to him and told him you were going to talk to his dad (I hate the sneaky approach, and kids immediately lose respect with that method) but I do think situations should be handled by his parents, once brought to their attention. Then the parents handle it the way they see fit, and that's where you roll with whatever they decide. Coming from someone who as a child dealt with more than a couple step parents, I did not like when they tried to change how my mom handled situations with us, or when they tried to dictate the environment of a home that was established long before they came in the picture. Suddenly things I was allowed to do got switched because step dad wanted things this way or that way- no. Not a good way to incorporate one's self into the family dynamic. Yes, you are playing a parental role to an extent, but you are not their parent. And there is a world of difference there, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

I was raised by my step mother and I will be a step mother once fh and I are married. I would have definitely said something to my step son! Fh also knows if he sees something then he should say something. Say something to the child or if he's uncomfortable then find me.

I think you handled the situation well Randi.

Thanks for all the kudos!! My own aunt said "Oh... stay out of it! You don't want to jeopardize your relationship with the son!!"

I was like...... "ummmmm.... TOO LATE!!!"

If I were the parent, I'd be much more strict in the first place! It's weird for me to be on-site, living with behavior that I'd be addressing.

I always talk to my husband about it later & express my thoughts or concerns.

Sometimes he agrees.... sometimes not.

But I do know that there is no one "right" way to parent.

I've seen kids reared in both super-strict AND super-lax homes end up in jail / rehab / dead.

I just try to go with my gut... because my gut is super-well-intentioned, if nothing else.

There's also nothing wrong with saying "I'm addressing this because I care about you and what happens to you....". I think kids need to hear that often, particularly in their teens.

I think you did the right thing

Don't listen to any naysayers because they didn't have a good relationship with their stepparents. One of my old co-workers even changed her last name as an adult to her stepdad's last name because he was more of a father than her bio dad

Woah, you def handled it well. You became aware of the situation & handled it in a direct & adult manner, by having a conversation. I know they're out there (as seen in this thread) but I can't imagine a child with such a "you're not my parent I am disregarding your authority as an adult" viewpoint. I don't have stepparents but I always regarded my friend's parents, teachers & coaches as authoritative figures that I did not dare talk back to or disrespect. They were the adults, I was the child. I also wouldn't be interested in carrying on a relationship with someone who allowed their child to carry on this disrespect toward me.

I think you handled it well. Step-parents are parents as well. As long as all involved act like adults coparenting is a beautiful thing.

I'm not yet a Step mom but my Future step kids have been living with me and my FH for almost a year now. Honestly My Soon to be step son has said I'm like a mom to him. It depends on the childs point of view. Your husband Choose you and you entered into this with him knowing that you would become a parent to. I get that some people don't belive step-parents are real parents but honestly you are as going to be a huge part in their life wither or not the children live permanently with you or not. If you let them think you will let things slide or you let them try and cause a You vs Them issue things can get bad its best they know where you stand going into things. My STB step kids know off the bat heading into this marriage I love them as much as I love my own daughter and that I will treat them like my own kids and they are more then happy with that. BTW My STB Step kids are 10, 12 and 14.

You were absolutely right to tell his dad/your DH. You should never keep secrets about SS from his father!

ETA: I'm a high school teacher. Kids need discipline, rules, boundaries, consistently and consequences. They don't need parents to be their friends!

I think you did the right thing by setting some boundaries and telling his dad.