2 Weeks as a Step-Mom & I Had My First "You Must Think I'm Stupid..." Convo

Ugh.

So kids went back to mom's house & I finally was able to sit and talk with husband.

"What is his punishment going to be?"

"Well.... I'm not sure. I'm guessing he'll probably be grounded."

"But... are you waiting for HER to actually mete out the punishment?? He's grounded for two weeks then he's off restriction just in time to see you again?

Do you not think that taking his phone for the day.... while you "think" might not have made an impression?"

(I know... all of you who were step-children are cringing because here I am, trying to "change" his punishment MO.... I swear, I'm just trying to get in his head & figure out how he processes & reacts with things like this)

Anyway, he FINALLY says "You know.... I'm just not sure I'm actually mad about it! So what do you want me to do???"

....ummmmm..... WHAT??!!!

You're going to be THAT parent??

Mr. "Hey....I don't really WANT you to do it.... but I'm not going to do anything ABOUT it!"

I'm so disappointed. I really thought we WERE on the same page! I thought we would be "Don't even TRY that with me... I've been there, done that, know allll the tricks & will cut you off at the pass before you even realize it!!!" parents!

I don't want to be part of a "hey, don't drink.... *wink *wink" team!!!!

I don't want his kids to F-up royally!

And I know tons of people who went to rehab....jail.... some DIED!!

I'm not sure how to process this.

Wow! I can't believe he's not even a little bit mad about it. The good thing is that now you can talk about your parenting styles with your FH. Had that not come up before?

You are so wonderful and it sounds like you did the right thing by informing his dad and also letting him know someone was watching. I grew up with a really cool stepmom who was similar. She let my dad know if I was misbehaving but never punished me herself. My dad made it clear from an early age that she was to be respected as my parent too, though... so as long as I was respectful to her, she would cut me some slack. Her & my dad aren't married anymore but she is a wonderful friend and role model still.

@Erin

It HAS!!!!

I was raised in a very strict household. We both agreed that parenting doesn't need to be THAT overbearing, but we've talked about underage drinking!

He has said "I know kids will drink. I won't be one of those parents who supply it.... and they'd just better hide it well"

He NEVER said "Well.... I don't really mind! Boys will be boys...."

I mean, if that's how he felt, i certainly wish he had SAID that!

I feel blind-sided & I don't want to sit back & watch some serious non-PARENTING take place!

I didn't even read all the comments but wow @jessie the way you talk about step-parents is so incredibly disrespectful. I have friends who love their step-parents as if they are their real parents. Step-parents should be able to talk to their step-children about things like this. In my opinion, step-parents are and should be like another parent to the child.

A step parent is a REAL PARENT!

That's interesting. I guess when faced with the real thing he felt differently. Do you think he has a hard time disciplining the kids? I know my FH is a total softy and is more of a "let them be kids" guy. I'm the one who usually takes the lead on the tough stuff.

@Erin

He was apparently THE disciplinarian in his prior marriage (but if he doled out a punishment, the mom would tell the kids they didn't have to listen to him..!!!!!) I suspect that if this had been the girl, he'd be super-upset & would have taken her phone & grounded her immediately. He wouldn't have had to "stew" on it to figure out if he's even upset in the first place.

I think that he wants his son to be "cool" (which, he is) but I just think it's unwise to let the kid KNOW that his dad doesn't REALLY mind if he's out drinking.

I'm afraid he'll end up one of those cool, but dead, kids!!

It's just not worth it!

@Randi

I understand your concern, but I do think you're jumping ahead several steps here. He had a drink in the home of a complicit adult, and then was driven home by a step-parent. It's a long leap from this one incident to worrying about rehab and death.

What DO you think his punishment should be? That's a valid question. I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss, both of you, what are appropriate consequences for typical teenage behavior.

I'm a high school teacher, and I have horror stories of drunk students trying to walk or even drive home, rather than call their parents because they were afraid of getting in trouble. If I were you, I'd address the lying much more seriously than the drinking.

I think you did a phenomenal job taking with you SS. As for your husband, maybe remind him of your previous conversation and ask him how he'd handle it if it were his daughter? What if it's not just guys next time? What if he ends up a grandfather tomorrow? While I too grew up in a strict house, I agree that it's not necessarily the way to go. However, they have to know what you expect from them and I'm sure drinking is not on the list. Again I think you handled it great and good luck!

@Delfina

I think that the MAJOR rules should be discussed & consequences sort of "pre-determined". That way, everyone is on the same page & then if the kids decide to test those waters, they already know what they're facing as a repercussion.

I think that consistency is really important. If sometimes dad "cares" but then at other times he just sort of ignores it... won't the kid press the issue even MORE? I mean, they might not even get into trouble at all!!

In this case, he KNEW that he'd be getting picked up by one of us (he probably assumed it would be his dad) and even knowing that he'd be in close quarters with us didn't dissuade him from drinking. (However, he truly might have been so naive that he thought vodka was one of those things that people can't smell on you. )

If he's already drinking & making poor decisions now, that's certainly not any sort of confidence booster for 6 months from now when he's old enough to drive!

Yeah, I agree you and his father need to sit down and discuss what these consequences should be. That's a totally reasonable thing to do, and it will help you all avoid future misunderstandings.

Keep in mind that he didn't call you to cancel the ride home. That's significant. He was drinking, but still got in the car with you. That's actually a really good thing. I'd be a LOT more worried if he had asked one of his drunk friends to give him a lift (if any of them can drive) or was just generally more skilled at/committed to deceit.

I promised a newspaper delivery man a hand job once at 4am if he would drop me off at home, because I'd been drinking and didn't want to call my mother for a ride. Very luckily, he turned me down and dropped me off at home anyway.

@ Delfina

I think something like:

"If you drink, we won't take you to get your license. Each offense pushes that back 2 months."

Later, once he IS driving:

"If you drink, we suspend your driving privileges for a month"

"If you drink & DRIVE, we take your car for 3 months. If you drink & drive again after that, we sell your vehicle."

Just things that will really make an impression & hopefully TRULY make him weigh actions vs consequences.

I think those types of things MUST be more of a deterrent than "hmmm..... let me decide if I'm mad about you drinking..... carry on with being buried in your phone in the meantime though!"

I think those are fantastic and relevant consequences. I really hope his father agrees to them.

@randi. I think those are reasonable. Unfortunately some parents look at it as punishment to themselves also because the kids can be unbearable during that time..

I wouldn't press it to a point where you and DH fight about it but I would let him know where you stand. Non parenting is a serious issue.

@Delfina

I'm glad he declined your offer as well!! Whew!!!!

@Beachy

I know you're right about that.

I've just always been such a weirdo / nerd / anal person and I try soooooo hard to be consistent... even when it creates more work for me.

But I know plenty of people who prefer the path of least resistance.

(I definitely already pressed it to that point. :/

I feel like if I do nothing when HE does nothing, it is almost like being complicit!

We're discussing pre-determined consequences now...

He's like "well I don't have some pre-determined rule book!!"

"No. No you don't. We'd have to sit down & develop one. Maybe the kids can give input on what they think consequences should be... ex-wife SHOULD be in on it too..."

Not sure if that'll actually happen, but it sounds like a smart idea to me....)

My parents did not encourage under age drinking...ever. It's not cool to be drinking at 15. Randi, great job. Keep on the hubby, get things set. You did good girl.

@Jesse you're assuming every step child is going to have the same view point as you did. You're too bias to be giving advice regarding this topic because you are obviously still resentful from your childhood. Your transference to this thread and your bitter advice are not helpful in the least.

ETA: @Randi You did the best you could have possibly done, keep doing a great job!