2 Weeks as a Step-Mom & I Had My First "You Must Think I'm Stupid..." Convo

Jessie just because you didn't see it fit to treat your stepmom with the same respect as a birth parent doesn't mean that's how everyone else's relationships work. My half brother would listen to my dad over his own any day of the week. And maybe if the "you aren't his parent " attitude wouldn't have been so strong from his own dad, mine may have said something much earlier on and my brother may not have died from bad heroin.

I think you handled it great. Step parents ARE parents even if teenagers don't get that. My FW son isn't mine biologically but I am his mom. I wouldn't ground my child forever for this but I'd definitely have a discussion with said child.

I'm sure some couples do have it set in place that the step parent doesn't handle discipline. Other couples (mine) are different. My biological son has a dad, but my FW is his parent too. And any discipline she sees fit she is allowed to carry out. I love that he has 3 parents and knows that she's only operating from love. Again OP, I think you handled it perfectly. I'm soooo nervous to have teenagers but I do have these "I'm not an idiot, son" conversations every day still with my 8 and 6 year old.

Right. But as a 16 year old I didn't care what ANYBODY had to say. I knew everything so they were all wrong

I do have 3 years of history with the kids. I met "Johnny" when he was this chubby little Harry Potter-looking kid who thought girls were gross & worshipped his dad. Now he's nearly as big as his dad & flexes in front of every mirror he passes; and takes pictures of himself for Snapchat ALL day long.

Oy

I didn't yell at him. The whole tone of the convo was "I think it's hilarious that you think no one can tell you've been drinking.... tell me more!!"

@Randi- I think you handled it perfectly. You acknowledged that you knew and said that you would tell his dad. You didn't hand out punishment (that is something that you and his dad should/could do together). While you have only be married for two weeks, I'm sure you have been in his life for a lot longer.

I have two step parents. I lived with my stepdad and mom growing up. There was a time when I hated my stepdad, refused to speak to him wouldn't get in the car if he tried to pick me up. It was instilled in me that stepdad had same authority as mom. Hated it at first but got past it.

Here is my "stepdad" walking me down the aisle. FH didn't even know he was my birth father until a few years in because to me he is my Dad.

@jessie I'm sorry but I completely disagree. As someone who had two step parents they were just as much my parents as my biological ones. You can't tell a step parent not to parent at all to those children. I also think they should have a united front when it comes to what they want to do. Just because you didn't doesn't mean that's the way everyone does.

@randi I think you handled it perfect. Teenagers are a bundle of fun haha.

I completely disagree with Jessie. You did the right thing Randi. You ARE an important figure in this kids life no matter if you are a biological parent or not. Just because you are a stepmom doesnt mean you cant address bad behavior. Attitudes like "you shouldnt be addressing your OWN stepson" is the reason so many coparenting relationships fail.

I think you did the right thing, Randi! One reasons step kids don't respect their step parents is when the real parents make them think they don't have to. You are another parent to him and you so did the right thing! You addressed it, showed him that you aren't a blind idiot, and then told his dad and got ready to follow his plan. Being a step parent is hard and you know how to handle your individual family in the best way you can.

The more you comment Randi the more I applaud your efforts.

I am a step kid. My step mom will be front and center for my wedding. My kid is 12 and FH has been around her for almost 7 years. He is a better father than her dad. He gives a damn. He takes time with her. He rarely yells at her but when he does it's when I have exhausted all of my options and he's stepping in because she's a tween that knows everything. It is about to be a bigger hurdle as her dad is a scrub and is neglecting her when she is there. I am going to court in 6 weeks to pull his visitation. I will need FHs support with her more than ever. He's important to her even if she won't say it out loud. She leans on him when she is tired and knows she wants him at her events. He's a parent father title or not.

My step-brother has so much respect for my mom now that he can look back on things. He was dangerous as a teen. Violent, angry, but mostly just hurt. Without my mom stepping in and saying, "Hey, we all love him and need to get professional assistance," he wouldn't be where he is today. A step-parent can see a situation through a different lens. And if my dad hadn't chosen to love me and treat me like his own, I honestly don't think I'd be here. He stepped up when he wasn't required to, and that was so important for my growth and development. All adults in a child's life should really be in the same page so any one of them can care for and discipline a child (teen or not) effectively.

In other news, Randi, why are you a 4-star double-ring poster?

@Elizabeth-

What does that mean?

(I mean... I get that I have 4-stars... presumably because of how often I post?)

Should I have less?

More?

Should I have a different pic??

(I put in a pic but it only shows up on MY page I think... did I do it wrong?)

@Randi agree with Jesse's earlier comments. I've got a step-mom who stepped in at 15 and will be stepping in as a step-mom at 16. My step-mom was also not a first-time step-mom. Her first husband had a son, too. She was adamant that she would not step in in a mom role ever but would support my dad's raising us. She generally held to that but we still resented her through the teenage years. Now that I'm in my 30s I've come to appreciate her tremendously as a person but I can imagine I would have resented her more if she had tried to step in more. I hope to tell her on my wedding day that in fact her example is what it hope to emulate with my own future step-son. Hang in there and perhaps coaching your new husband is best.

I don't have step kids ... but I have my own kids my oldest daughter is 9 ... if my FH (by the time she will be drinking he will be my husband ) didin t step up and say something I'd be upset ... it would be his job too he helps me raise my children .. her real dad and his wife live in another

state (hes military) but if they encountered this ... I'd expect his wife to deal with it as an adult ... I'm not saying all teenagers who drink become alcoholics but most alcoholics started drinking as a teenager ... honestly if be fucking livid ... take that iPhone away and make his ass clean everything

I feel as if you did the right thing. I would expect my S/O to tell me if he found this out.

You can't change it on mobile, if I'm not mistaken. There's a thread on how to change it so that it shows up for everyone.

OP I think you did the right thing. You sound like you have a really good understanding of how to handle being a step parent, and given how long you've been in this kid's life I don't think it can be seen as you just swooping in and taking control like some PPs are implying. In all honesty from your dialogue with him that you posted it sounds like he respects you and understands you hold an important role in his life, too. He got in the car with you, he talked to you. Admitted his wrongs when you called him out. It sounds like a well handled situation all around.

My FH will be the step father to my son and I'm pretty bothered by everyone saying that a step parent is not a parent. My FH has been more of a father to my son than his bio dad. Blood isn't want makes you a parent - trust and love and putting that child above yourself is what makes a parent. It would not be pleasant for anyone who tried to tell me to my face that my FH is not my son's parent.

I also grew up in a broken home and even though my mother didn't remarry, a very close family friend who had no romantic relationship with my mother at all stepped in to help parent me. He was never with my mom, he was just a friend who cared for us and wanted to see me make the best of my life. Now, to anyone who knows me, he's my dad. Because he raised me. He loved me, even when it was tough love for a stubborn teen who thought she had no one and acted out just because she could. He taught me how to parent better even than my own mother or father did. He was my best role model.

Biology does not a parent make. OP handled the situation well and seems to have great intentions and a good awareness of where her role sits with this child. Kudos, OP!

@Elizabeth-

I've only ever used Mobile. I'll try logging in another way.

Thanks!

I disagree with @jessie. I too had a step mom and no I didn't like her at some point.(But I was also a pain in the ass as a teenager). As a adult I look back and I love and respect her for everything that she did for my siblings and I. She didn't have to help raise me, but she did. My FH is not the father of my kids, but he is raising them and treats them like their his own. Step parent are real parents. They are the ones that chose to love and raise us. They didn't have to. Not everyone was in the same position you were. There are great stepparents out there. OP you can only do the best you can. My kids aren't teenagers yet, but I hear horror stories.lol good luck!

I think Randi handled it the right way- she didn't yell or fly off the handle, and she let him know she wasn't going to be keeping secrets from his father. My FSS is 9 and I've been in his life since he was 3, he treats me just like he does his parents (with respect and not like I'm less of an authority figure just because I'm not his parrnt). He is the same with his stepdad. I think it's important to emphasize to kids that you can't blow off stepparents or teach them that they don't have to listen to them.