Can I ask guests to donate to charity instead of buying a gift for us?
There's a great group where I live that does counselling for rape and sexual abuse victims, they have not helped me personally but the cause is very close to my heart. I would really like to register at one or two places, but also include a note that says "the couple is registered at X and X, and would also appreciate donations to be made to Our Voice in our honor as a gift" then include info about Our Voice and how a donation can be made. But I've always heard that you can't ask for money, is it different because the money isn't for us, or is it still rude to ask for them to make a donation?

Married: 09/22/2012
Posted On: Oct 13, 2011 at 4:07 AM • Vendors are allowed • Add to My WatchlistFlag As Inappropriate1 like

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Married: 09/22/2012
Oct 13, 2011 at 4:09 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
BTW, I also love the idea leaving a small card next to each plate stating that money has been donated to Our Voice in their honor, would doing both of these be to much?

Carrie
Married: 2+ years ago
Oct 13, 2011 at 6:59 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
just spread through word of mouth. You don't outright tell people how to spend money on you but if people ask what you want it's ok to make suggestions.
http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/sep/07/charity-wedding-gifts-leave-reader-confused-about/

Far as donating to charity for your wedding favors , some people don't mind and like the idea others don't. I think you have decide how your guests will feel.
This is from Miss Manners:
"Donating money for medical research is a fine idea if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them. You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then deciding against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming."
Edited On: Oct 13, 2011 at 7:37 AM

Married: 06/04/2011
Reviews: 6
Oct 13, 2011 at 7:22 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
I think Carrie's reference to Miss Manners is regarding YOU giving a donation instead of giving a favor to your guests. I think it would be fine to ask your guests to donate instead of giving you a gift...just make sure that it's INSTEAD of, not in addition to. Rather than the way it's worded right now, I would maybe say "the couple is registered at X and X but would appreciate donations to be made to Our Voice in lieu of gifts." This way people who want to give you gifts will still do so, but it doesn't look like you're expecting both. I also would definitely NOT put this note in with the invitation. Talk to your mom, MOH, or whoever is throwing your shower, and ask them to include it in the shower invitation. If you have a wedding website, you can put it there, too...just not in your own invites. :)

Carrie
Married: 2+ years ago
Oct 13, 2011 at 7:28 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
actually Rosie my post cover both of the OP questions - asking guests to donate which is what the first linked covered and her second part asking if she can leave a small card saying money has been donating in their honor which is what the quote covers.
From the link concerning asking guests donate:
Your friends made a solicitation to you on behalf of their favorite charities, and you gave a donation. Well and good. But Miss Manners fails to see what this has to do with their getting married and your giving them a wedding present. Yes, yes, she is aware that a vast number of people presume that their weddings (and graduations and birthdays and holidays) are license to order what they want from their relatives and friends. She also acknowledges that those who direct others to charitable donations instead are not exhibiting personal greed. Yet even by making it “optional” (all such giving is optional, as there is no way to force collection), they are still presuming others’ resources...
Edited On: Oct 13, 2011 at 7:34 AM

Marie S. (aka Princess Leia)
Married: 10/12/2012
Reviews: 12
Oct 13, 2011 at 8:14 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
I don't normally subscribe to Ms Manner's etiquette but this time she is in line with the other etiquette experts & my personal beliefs as well. Giving to charity is very personal and for many a private decision. If u have a wedding website I would encourage to you have your request listed there along with a link to that website. Ensure that the donation amounts remain private and as crappy as this will sound but ensure your guests receive a tax receipt. I'm sure I'm going to get beat up on this but I'm going to say it anyway - If you decide to put a little note saying you made a donation on their behalf be prepared to provide the disclaimer that you have as your 1st sentence "they have not helped me personally but the cause is very close to my heart" with every guest table that you make the rounds to. Some guests will be rude and want to know Y it's close to your heart. Is this really the type of convo u want to have at your reception to celebrate the happiest day of your life?

Married: 10/01/2011
Reviews: 3
Oct 13, 2011 at 8:20 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Since you are asking your guests to bring the food, I don't think you should ask them to donate to your charity. I think you should skip the "favor" and put "no gifts" on the invitations. Maybe something like "Your contribution to the reception dinner is your gift to us. Please bring only that and yourselves, no additional gifts please."

If you can't spend the money to feed your guests, you shouldn't do any favors at all. A "favor" that is a donation to a charity may make your guests feel like you care more about the charity than you do about them.

Shannon S.
Married: 2+ years ago
Oct 13, 2011 at 8:52 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Agree with Sunshine - if you are asking guests to bring a dish, THAT is their gift. Asking for registry items or donations on top of that is a bit greedy IMO.

Married: 02/18/2012
Reviews: 6
Oct 13, 2011 at 8:57 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
I'm just typing nonsense here because I know that if I gave you good, sound advice you would just tell me I'm being mean, so instead of being mean I'm typing nonsense here and saying that if you are going to donate to a charity you should donate to Give Kids the World, they are an awesome charity who brings terminally ill children to Florida to spend a week at Disney World while they still can and they need tons of help, you can donate at the following link if you like:

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/glenn-schneck/gktw2011

Marie S. (aka Princess Leia)
Married: 10/12/2012
Reviews: 12
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:17 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
I hear ya Glenn - I'm menopausal and sick as a dog and I fought tooth & nail not to go ape sh*t when I saw that this was Potluck.
My personal opinion is that charities are personal and have no place at a wedding. I do not want to think about Rape Victims or terminally ill children. I do not want to think about saving Dolphins, Tree Frogs or the Spotted Owls. I do not want to think about starving kids in Africa or Shamoo in Captivity. I want to celebrate the marriage of two special people. I want to eat drink dance & be merry and if I had to bring a covered dish to do so then I'd gladly do that so my friends are not in financial distress to ensure I'm happy at their celebration. I would however scratch my head and say hmmmmm if I brought a dish & a gift and then saw that a donation was made in my name.

Shannon S.
Married: 2+ years ago
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:20 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Glenn, I think I'm just going to start posting, "You go, GURL!" on every thread and still watch folks jump down my throat at random.

Marie S, if you could make that post fit on a t-shirt, I would wear it every day. And the OP has indicated that she wants a potluck for style reasons, not because that's all she and FH can afford.

Edited On: Oct 13, 2011 at 9:20 AM

Marie S. (aka Princess Leia)
Married: 10/12/2012
Reviews: 12
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:29 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Ohhhh - Shame on me for assuming that the Pot Luck was based on finances - I never heard of that as a sought after style. Now I feel like a snob with no conscience.

Shannon S.
Married: 2+ years ago
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:33 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Marie, come join Glenn and me in Snobland, where no matter what we say, people jump down our throats and attack us...and then say we're the "bullies." Hypocrisy tastes great with a little salt, on a cracker.

Andrea
Married: 05/05/2012
Reviews: 6
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:42 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
The only time that I didn't mind being asked to make a donation to a specific charity was when a family friend's 21 year old son died, the family asked for people to make a donation to the kid's favorite charity in lieu of sending flowers. All of the donations were made in rememberance of the kid. In any other instance, I would probably think that being asked to spend my money a certain way was tacky.

I do, however, think that it's tasteful to have a card next to each plate that states that in lieu of favors, you have made a donation to your charity in your guests' names.

Marie S. (aka Princess Leia)
Married: 10/12/2012
Reviews: 12
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:54 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Andrea that is certainly appropriate - I've been to many a funeral where Donations were requested to X in lieu of flowers and I personally would rather do that then spend the dinero on flowers that will just be thrown out assuming I agree w/ the charity of course.
But at a wedding - no way especially if it's a charity I don't subscribe to - like save the polar bears - I say Drill Baby Drill or please pass me another bowl of Shark Fin Soup with a Side of Tuna Fish In this case the charity is about Rape & Sexual abuse and me & my FH would be in the car driving home discussing who in the Bride's life we thought was Raped or Abused to be so close to her heart... Crappy yep but honest...

Married: 07/16/2011
Oct 13, 2011 at 9:55 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
A friend of mine had cute little scrolls saying that in lieu of favors a donation had been made to a charity, and I actually thought it was rather sweet.

But no, you can't tell people how to spend their money. If you don't want gifts, say that.

Married: 09/22/2012
Oct 14, 2011 at 3:51 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Thanks everyone, I will defiantly leave this OUT of the wedding, it was just a thought I had and I wanted to know how people would react.

As a side note that doesn't really relate at all, just because I disagree with you on one topic that does not mean that I would disagree with you on every topic.

Married: 09/22/2012
Oct 14, 2011 at 3:53 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
And thank you, Marie, you are right, it really isn't the type of conversation that I want to have on my wedding night. I hate talking about this particular part of my past and it's actually why we never even discussed a spring wedding.

Again, thank you everyone!

Marie S. (aka Princess Leia)
Married: 10/12/2012
Reviews: 12
Oct 14, 2011 at 5:16 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Jenn - at the end of the day what you do for this Charity is WONDERFUL and it is refreshing to see young people involved in the community. I truly hope that your wedding day is happy and full of joy and that the trauma that has happened to cause this charity to be a part of your life can be forgotten on your special day. I wish you peace and blessings for the future.

Married: 09/22/2012
Oct 14, 2011 at 6:21 AM • Flag As Inappropriate
Thank you, Marie, I appreciate your support.
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