"You don't have a say if you aren't paying"?

Couldn’t agree more!!!!

In an ideal world the money from parents or grandparents etc would be a gift with no strings attached but that’s not always how it works. A lot of people hold the money over the bride and grooms head and the only way to get full control back is to pay for it without someone else’s help. Otherwise it becomes a power struggle and the other party can pull the money if they don’t get their way.

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It's just too bad that wedding has more become a "business" than a romantic union. if it's a power struggle and money is held over the bride and grooms' head, that sounds more like a business relationship between families rather than a lovely union between two people. But yeah I agree...

I agree, if a parent or someone is helping fund a wedding, it is a gift.

View Quoted Comment I think a lot of times parents try to live vicariously through their children. Or think weddings now should be the same as their own in the 70s or 80s. We got financial help and it taught us a lot in the art of compromise and boundary setting haha.

Our parents gave us (generous) gifts and we asked their opinions. But ultimately, the decision was/is all ours. If someone would have said they had a say based on money, I would have told them to keep the money. 🤷‍♀️

When people say “no pay no say” they’re literally never talking about the couple. They’re talking about the FMIL who wants to pick the cake flavor or the sister who needs her 3 BFFs added to the guest list. I do think that if someone is paying for your wedding and you disagree with them on something, their opinion should carry the most weight, but I also think that it depends on the person. Some people go into it with strings attached and some people are genuinely just giving it as a gift. I think those boundaries should be established before you agree to take thousands of dollars from someone. I also think that if you don’t want or care to take their opinion into consideration, you should pay for your own party.

My FH and I are paying for it all but I still value and respect our families opinions. Ultimately the final say is his and mine but not because we are paying but because it is our wedding. We listed our parents on the wedding invite as host but it is our of respect and acknowledgement not finances. I totally agree take the advice, suggestions, etc in stride but final say is with you two.

My family : paying for a third of the wedding, which is the venue and catering. They have opinions on everything and fight with us constantly and hold money over our heads. It's awful.

His family: paid for the flowers, DJ, rehearsal dinner, hosted 3 parties, supported us through the process, and then gifted us $3000 for a honeymoon. No fights, arguments, no demands except that a cousin who wanted to bring her kid be allowed to so that her parents (FFIL brother) could come to the wedding.


Us: filling in the gaps paying fees and decorations and alterations and invitations and parents demands for extras we didnt even need but are "tradition" essentially adding up to more than we could handle a.k.a. a third of the wedding. Also us: very ready to never speak to my parents again.

Well, the people paying can say, "We will pay for X, but we won't pay for Y." Or even, "We won't pay for anything at all unless you do A, B, and C." That doesn't mean it is right. But as a practical matter, people get a say if they are paying, unless the couple is willing to forego the money.

And conversely, if someone else isn't paying, the couple doesn't have to give them a say. Of course, it is nice to take the feelings of their nearest and dearest into consideration. But I've seen a lot of instances in which parents say, "You really have to invite these 50 people," when the parents aren't contributing at all. The couple isn't obligated to use their own money to feed 50 extra people.

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That's just so wrong!! It's all about you and your FH on the special day. Offering to pay for the wedding is like a gift from parents and if it's your wedding, you and your FH should have the ultimate decision.

View Quoted Comment You're actually the first person who hasn't told me to just suck it up because they're paying!



I always say, Trust me, if someone would've told past me that having a wedding would be like this, I would've eloped. My FH agrees.

I agree 110%!! It’s a gift if you don’t consider it a gift or want strings attached to it then don’t offer it. It’s sad how people use money to control others especially when it’s someones wedding day!

In a perfect world, where gifts come with no strings, this would be an awesome sentiment.

In reality some some families are dysfunctional and use money “gifts” as a means of manipulation. It’s a shame that some people are suckered in that way. I just don’t think saying “It’s a gift we are going to do what we want” is feasible with some family structures.

Absolutely, if parents are paying, its to make you happy and give you what you want

Amen girl! My parents are paying for my wedding, but have not once used that fact against us. The only thing we didn’t really get a say in was the guest count. But hey, if they want to invite their friends and balloon the count to over 300, it’s their money. I also didn’t want a Jewish wedding and my mom was slightly disappointed but says “it’s your wedding and it should be how you want it to be”. I love my parents to death and we are so appreciative of them.

This is why you ask for a set amount of money upfront. They can't withold money they've already given you.
Honestly, if you give someone money, it needs to be without any strings attached. Its so rude otherwise. My family, nor FH's, would ever be like, "you can have this money, but only if you spend it this way," because a gift is a gift.
You're not paying for your child's wedding if you expect to dictate how it's used, you're just paying for your own party with their marriage as the theme. Unbelievably selfish.

In a perfect world thats how it should be. My fh and i planned on paying for everything cause we know our parents. My mom said she would pay for the food but only if we had it where she wanted it. I had already told her what we wanted before she offered. So sometimes people don't understand this.

View Quoted Comment We totally wish we had eloped too! We ended up giving back the “gift” that my FMIL gave us because of how many strings were attached, and how ridiculous things were getting.

This is why it’s important for couples to think about who the money is coming from. My parents could have paid for our wedding but I knew that would have meant inviting family I have no relationship with and keeping things I wanted to a minimum as the guest list inflated. Strings are just sometimes a factor in accepting money from people.