M

Would you participate in a “fake” wedding?

Mae, on August 2, 2019 at 1:28 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 46
Saved
Reply
I was asked to floral arrangements for a wedding in a few weeks. It’s actually just the wedding reception. They are having a private destination ceremony. The bride is a friend and it was my gift to her and her husband to be. The MoH inadvertently told me that the bride’s divorce isn’t final but she will just continue on with the wedding. It just won’t be legal. I confirmed with her soon to be ex-husband.
I know that’s it’s her business and if her fiancé is ok with the situation —- my opinion doesn’t matter.
But I’m just leery about being part of something that could deceive a lot of people. Would you still do floral arrangements and decorations?

46 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on August 5, 2019 at 2:04 PM
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    I would tell her I did not do stage sets for theatre, only flowers for real events. It is not legal to marry when not legally divorced. And it is not legal to deliberately deceive witnesses to the legal formalities of marriage, who think they are witnessing a real marriage because they are led to, no one telling the truth. I would not be part of it. Not flowers, catering, or as a ceremony participant. I don't like liars.
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    I don’t see the problem. You’re doing the floral arrangements... you aren't the person getting married. The technicalities behind their “marriage” are THEIR issues. If they want flowers at their commitment ceremony and it’s a gift you agreed to provide, then certainly follow through.
    • Reply
  • B
    Savvy October 2019
    Bee ·
    • Flag

    Just because it isn’t legal doesn’t mean it’s fake or meaningless. Maybe they are waiting for the divorce to finalize, which takes time. Maybe this is what they want their only wedding to be and they will submit the license a little after. It is your flowers and gift though but it’s their relationship is their business.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super September 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    I think you should refer them to someone who wants to be part of their commitment ceremony. Someone whom doesn't need to know their personal business and/or judge them for it.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Expert September 2020
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with you the most. This website has sometimes made me aware of a new rule - if it exists, you're probably offending someone. Hopefully the event is far away, as thinking your flowers are covered through a gift and then suddenly they aren't could be an expensive issue.
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I mean if you're not comfortable with it Nobody can force you to be, it sounds like you know you don't want to do it.
    While her situation is certainly unorthodox I'm not entirely sure I'd call it deceiving people.
    A divorce can take a while to finalize so without knowing the specifics (that I don't really want) I can't pass judgement. 🤷
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    I will never understand why people are in such a rush, and can't wait for the "right time" (aka divorce to be final, etc.). BUT that doesn't mean you can't still make the florals to support your friend. We might not always agree with our friends choices, but if we care about them then we still show up and support them. Maybe you could just let her know that you are still supportive of her, but don't feel comfortable lying about it...so if the subject ever comes up, then you will feel obligated to tell the truth?

    • Reply
  • C
    Devoted June 2019
    C R ·
    • Flag
    I’m one of those who fall squarely in the “it’s wrong to deceive your guests into believing they are witnessing you getting married when they are not” camp. I think of this exactly as you do.

    However.....with the event being just a few weeks out, it would be a big deal for you to let her know now that you’re not doing the flowers, with significant impact to her in terms of cost and scrambling to come up with a Plan B. For me.....I’m not sure I’d want that on my conscience either. So what I would probably do is still go through with doing what I promised, but I would also let her know my feelings on the topic and how I would feel a whole lot better if the guests knew that this event is a celebration of the eventual wedding — which, by the way, there would be nothing wrong with having that, people do all sorts of things. Good luck.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree 1000%

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    FACTS!!!!!!!

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    I would like to know why did you call her ex? That wasn't your place

    • Reply
  • Tonia
    Expert October 2019
    Tonia ·
    • Flag

    It's not like she asked you to stand by her side as a BM or MOH. She asked you to provide part of the decor for what she deems as a special day for her. I don't see how what you feel about the situation should have anything to do with what her and her partner have decided. Continue being a supportive friend and if you are really that uncomfortable with it, don't do it.

    • Reply
  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    I think you should just talk to your friend. Maybe it's not a secret that it won't be a legal wedding. I was an MOH and found out after the bride had been married at least once previously. This was a shock and honestly f'ed up because the wedding was in a Catholic church. I had to answer questions as a witness. One of the questions was the bride married before and I said no! I was so angry. A few years later we are no longer friends anyway.



    I get how this can feel like a weird grey area. Clearly, they are still on the path towards marriage. Maybe there are issues in the divorce process they didn't expect to confront. Your best bet is to reach out and ask for an explanation for your comfort.
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t simply for the fact that she hasn’t told you and I don’t tolerate friends who lie and deceive me. If she was honest with me, I would totally be onboard.
    • Reply
  • SraDeCarrillo
    Super August 2019
    SraDeCarrillo ·
    • Flag

    I would still do the flowers. For centuries certain people weren’t allowed to legally marry and it didn’t make their commitment any less real.

    What’s more is that they could have planned this in advance, booked vendors and so on with the anticipation of the divorce being final but due to conflict with the ex it could be taking more time.

    I know someone who got married at a young age to a woman much older than him and although their marriage quickly didn’t work out (she cheated on him with an older man) she refused to sign divorce papers and they went on married but not together for a number of years. She finally signed the papers 6 years later after multiple attempts and only under the condition that he pay for it (even though she is still with the man she cheated with).

    So unless you make it a habit of getting in your friends business or talking to her ex behind her back, you may mot know all of the details. What if her ex is just trying to hold her back or make her lose the money she put down on her wedding? Stuff like that happens.

    Even if it’s not a legal wedding, it is a commitment ceremony and a celebration of the love between two people.

    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This, it's the deceiving bit that is the bad part IMO.

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I would. It's an event after all.
    • Reply
  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
    • Flag

    This is a weird area, as if you were just the straight up florist being hired to do an event, go ahead. But you are a friend and you are participating in a lie. Look, I have no problem with people having commitment ceremonies. I do have a HUGE problem with people lying to others about pesky little things like, oh I don't know.....the legalities of a wedding? So, I, myself, would decline it and I would say "I am uncomfortable with lying to others."

    I will say this: This will end badly. Not the eventual marriage, but it WILL come out about the deception and people will be angry that they spent money on time at a wedding that really wasn't a wedding.

    Not to sound bossy, lol, but you could take the quotes off the word fake. It IS a fake wedding.

    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    No I would not gift them flower arrangements (or my time to arrange them). If it's not common knowledge this isn't a legal ceremony then it is being deceptive. And I don't mean like they got married at a courthouse a few days ago not legal.
    I could see a reason if one was terminally ill though.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    If your conscience squirms thinking about it, you don't have to help. I know this is a complex subject with lots of different opinions, but I wouldn't blame you for not feeling comfortable!

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics