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VC
Master May 2017

Why Tacky to Host Your Own Engagement?

VC, on June 10, 2016 at 7:51 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 62

Don't want to pick a fight, just a question on etiquette.

I have read on here that hosting your own engagement is tacky. Why is that? I read things about comparing weddings to birthday parties (proper hosting) so I get it.

But birthday parties are also "throwing yourself a party no"?

Anyways, as we tell our friends we are engaged everyone asks us about an engagement party and we both said that we do not plan to have one.

Anyways, can anyone explain the etiquette of throwing your own engagement party and why it is bad? Thanks!

62 Comments

Latest activity by Morgan, on April 8, 2019 at 6:44 PM
  • OG Kathryn
    Champion May 2016
    OG Kathryn ·
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    Well honestly I think you shouldn't throw your own birthday party either. So yes its tacky to throw your own party. Period. IMO.

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  • Jessica L
    Super August 2016
    Jessica L ·
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    Do not throw your own party. Ever .

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  • VC
    Master May 2017
    VC ·
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    Really? So if no one wants to throw you a birthday party you don't get one? Interesting.

    In my culture, say you get a promotion or raise, you throw a party or take everyone out for dinner and treat them. No gifts are exchanged. Is that also a no-no?

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  • Jennifer
    Expert July 2016
    Jennifer ·
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    Engagement parties were originally meant for the bride and grooms families to meet. You're not suppose to be getting gifts at them. So I see nothing wrong with the bride and groom hosting their own engagement party. Do I find a point of them, honestly no. Our families have met on multiple occasions though.

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  • OG Kathryn
    Champion May 2016
    OG Kathryn ·
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    LOL YUP!!!! Your a freaking adult. its another year! Get over it. Congratulations you are still breathing.

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  • VC
    Master May 2017
    VC ·
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    Thanks! I was invited to one engagement party and I felt it was gift-grabby too but it was a family friend and when we arrived (I didn't know who hosted honestly) and gave them a gift the couple told us it was not necessary as no one brought a gift or was required to. I guess I just assumed. Haha.

    @Jennifer - if that is true, thanks for the historical reference Smiley smile

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  • Kelli
    Master September 2015
    Kelli ·
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    I agree with don't throw yourself a party. I have never throw my own birthday party. My parents did I when I was kid. My husband or friends have as a adult.

    @VC - so yeah, if no one throws you a birthday party then you don't get one. Have you actually thrown your own birthday party???

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  • MrsBest2B
    Master June 2016
    MrsBest2B ·
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    I've hosted my own birthday party and just said "no gifts" I don't see that as being a big deal. I was turning 30, missed my friends and had just gone through 2 bad breakups in a year. I wanted a damn celebration. Nothing wrong with that IMO. An engagement party is kinda rude cause not only are you asking for gifts at a wedding and shower ( not that you ask but it's assumed) now they'd have to bring one for an engagement gift too. It's gift grabby and honestly an unnecessary expense.

    Edit: For anyone wondering...2 bad breakups were both serious and long term. First was a previous 5-year relationship, met FH 3 months later fell in love and then we had a 6-week "break" about 10 months in.

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  • VC
    Master May 2017
    VC ·
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    @Kelli - Yes I have in the past. So have my friends and family. I have friends who plan their own parties and I did too. Although technically I didnt plan it all, we just decide what we wanted to do and invite others. Like I have 2 friends whose birthday are within 15 days of me and we all just plan a party together. I never knew it was tacky to do that lol.

    But as I get older I don't even want my own bday parties anyways.

    There are never expectations on gifts ever though in the past or future. And it's only immediate friends who are invited anyways who we see all the time. We see more like "let's hang out and do something a bit more fun than normal". No cake, no gifts, but just a reason to get together.

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  • [anonymous]
    Master October 2017
    [anonymous] ·
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    I don't like to go to parties empty-handed anyway, but I've always heard of bringing a gift to an engagement party. So I think throwing your own is tacky bc it comes off gift grabby.

    But maybe it's just in the name? I wonder if calling up a few of your friends and having them meet you out for dinner to celebrate/share your engagement makes it different... Who knows lol. Does the tackiness wane if it's a casual outing with a few people instead of a formal "engagement party"?

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  • VC
    Master May 2017
    VC ·
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    @Antonia - I have no idea but that's where it gets blurry to me. Any party we do is very casual. "What restaurant would you like to eat at for your bday?" "Let's try some vegan place". And then we pay our own meals and sometimes we may get a small gift, sometimes not. It's the same 5 people circle or 10 or whatever. It's the same circles of friends and everyone knows everyone. *shrugs*

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  • PaleoPrincess
    Expert July 2016
    PaleoPrincess ·
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    VC, if you're just talking about going to dinner casually I think that's somewhat different.

    After we got engaged (like that night) we sent out a "we just got engaged and are going to X bar to celebrate, rounds are on us if you'd care to join" text. I don't think it was tacky (hopefully I'm right).

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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It's that the engagement party is seen as a celebration of you as a couple. It's not OK to throw a party in your own honour, especially if it potentially a gift giving event.

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  • Kactus Kat
    VIP July 2016
    Kactus Kat ·
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    What kind of adult throws themselves a birthday party?! If someone asks you where you want to go eat and everyone pays for their own meals, you didn't host a party.

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  • OMW
    Master August 2013
    OMW ·
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    Actually, I know lots of adults that throw their own birthday parties - usually bbqs and such.

    If the engagement party is a casual BBQ and no gifts are to be given, I don't see the big deal with throwing your own. I didn't have one, but I've been to some thrown by the couple. They were like, "We're engaged! Come over and have some BBQ and celebrate with us!"

    And people throw housewarming parties all the time - and often people bring gifts to those. How is that different?

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  • [anonymous]
    Master October 2017
    [anonymous] ·
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    OP, I get what you're saying Smiley smile I'm not an etiquette expert, so it's blurry for me too. I'm here to just philosophically ponder the various scenarios of tackiness lol

    ETA: words are hard when you don't get enough sleep

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  • OMW
    Master August 2013
    OMW ·
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    Matt - really? None of your friends say, "Hey, my birthday is this weekend and I'm going to grill some hamburgers and hot dogs - come on over"?

    Edited for grammar.

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  • Mrs. P
    Expert October 2015
    Mrs. P ·
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    I don't think it's tacky at all to throw your own birthday party as an adult. No one in my circles gives gifts, so a birthday party is really just an excuse to have friends over and have a fun evening. If a couple was having food and drinks at their place to celebrate their engagement, I would be thrilled to go and would not think twice about it.

    I've never thrown my own birthday party and we didn't throw an engagement party, but plenty of our friends do.

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  • E+T
    Super September 2017
    E+T ·
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    My grandmother has thrown herself a few birthday parties-one for 60, one for 70. She's the least gift grabby person in the world. I think she threw them as a way to get our large family in one room all together. She also told everyone not to bring presents.

    But, I feel like engagement parties can be seen mostly as gift grabby, unless your party is a dinner out with friends to celebrate your engagement. The dinner out with friends I see no problem with organizing. But a full, blow out party- don't host yourself. If your friends/family want one so bad they'll throw one for you.

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  • ELK
    Master March 2018
    ELK ·
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    I wouldn't call it a birthday party so much as a get together. This year, my FH and I threw a joint "party" around the time of our birthdays (we're 2 weeks apart) - no gifts requested (some people showed up with wine/champagne as a gift) and we provided food and beer/wine/vodka. We didn't expect gifts, there was no "birthday cake" or blowing out candles, just an excuse to get our friends together and hang out.

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