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Savvy July 2022

Where does this thought actually come from?

Misselis, on April 20, 2021 at 5:12 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23
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Hi dear ladies,

I started a few weeks ago a topic about marrying someone who has been previously married.
It started to bother me for no reason while I never made a big thing of it. Maybe it's because things are coming closer and more serious.. It could be a combination of my emotions and stress.

Are there ladies in the group who can relate? Who has been married a divorced man without kids? I'm wondering if you've been through the same 'struggle' ..
I know it will make me stronger at the end, but I keep blaming myself for this stupid thought of being a second wife .. while I was always positive.

23 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on April 22, 2021 at 8:54 AM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    I don't exactly know what that feels like since my husband wasn't married before but he had an ex girlfriend whom he was with for an extremely long time and they had a life together so i imagine that's what it feels like. because i was very insecure about it and a lot of the times earlier on in our relationship, i would just think to myself all the time about the comparisons. so i would guess these thoughts come from our own insecurities.

    just remember that you're a different person and your relationship is different from ones you've had in the past.

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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Hm, yes

    I'm only starting to bother because of the paperwork.. But I don't know the reason why.

    Maybe because it shows it was official etc. and now I can't imagine how the 2nd time for him will be..it makes me all so insecure

    • Reply
  • T
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    Tarran ·
    • Flag

    I'm not with someone who's been married before, but I was married previously. I can tell you from that perspective that this time, it's so much more special to me because I know I'm with the right person. And I'm so positive I'm with the right person because of all that I learned in my 1st marriage. I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship after that and I would want my fiance to know that he is exactly that, and that there is absolutely no comparison. It may be my 2nd time, but for me it's the only time that matters. I don't think of it like he'll be my 2nd husband or anything like that. I can't speak for your fiance, but he probably doesn't think about it like that either. I just wanted to tell you what getting married a 2nd time is like for me and I hope it brings a little peace to your thoughts.

    • Reply
  • April
    Dedicated September 2021
    April ·
    • Flag
    My FH was married before and does have a kid. I also have a teen but never married. It does bother me that I wasn’t his wife first but I think about it as I may not be the first but I am the last. It really only slightly bothers me when his family has get together a since it’s never the same with the second wife as it is with the “original”. Both my parents divorced and remarried and the relationship with the family is just different. But he did have an entire life before me and there’s not one thing I can do about it now except know that I’m the last wife and he loves me and that’s what matters.
    • Reply
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    Do you not feel as connected to him now?
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    I really love him, but everytime I think about planning our marriage and stuff, it keeps coming in my head. “Why will i get the title of second” or why am I not the first” i think the paperwork bothers me the most.. so it was signed. I know it is only a piece of paper actually..but still
    • Reply
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Oh you mean like the marriage application where it asks about previous marriage. Have you talked to him about this? It seems like you feel like you’re not on the same page as he is because he has had the experience of being married before?? How does he react when you speak to him about this?
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Oh not specifically that but more the fact that their relationship was official and they got married.. I wished he never signed those papers for example, cause that shows they were husband and wife.. and that thought drives me crazy Smiley sad
    I really am surprised about myself that I think tooo much about it

    I talked to him many times but i realize it is not good to hear everytime the same.. i mean it is his past, I understand that..but it feels so strange when that official thing was not with me
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Ah yes it does, it does give me another perspective on it. And I truly believe my partner that this time will be his real time etc.
    He told me stories about his past and yes they were so young when they got marriee (20&24) so he regrets too, but he learned from it.

    I just don’t want to make a problem of it, because I love him. Only these thoughts need to go..and I got these thoughts for months now. Maybe it’: the stress of thinking about the planning? I don’t know 😔( we re still not sure about the day, but it will be next year probably or the year after )
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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Ah ok, but you never thought about quitting the relationship because of these thoughts, right?
    I don’t know why I keep focusing on that “being a second wife” title..
    • Reply
  • J
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Not me personally, but my father has some pretty archaic views of second marriages. He believes that people should only get married once and in the event that a spouse dies or there is a divorce, the person is NOT allowed to re-marry.

    Personally, I would never marry someone who was divorced, UNLESS there was adultery, abuse, or death involved. I think marriage (and divorce) has become waaaaaay to convenient these days. People choose to separate instead of compromise or grow, and I'm not about it.

    • Reply
  • April
    Dedicated September 2021
    April ·
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    Nope. Not at all. Life happens. People make mistakes, me included. What’s done is done. They are great co-parents and much better off divorced then ever married. I do have a different situation though. He has been my brothers best friend since high school so I knew about the whole history and relationship. I never doubt him or the relationship we have. He’s never given me a reason to think anything else. Just remember all the dumb crap we did when we were younger. Some people make bigger mistakes and some not.
    • Reply
  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag
    I’ve been married and divorced have 7 kids my fiancé has never been married and we have one kid together I feel so blessed I finally found my miracle
    • Reply
  • Catherine
    Expert March 2023
    Catherine ·
    • Flag
    You’ve posted a few times before and I think on your last post a few of us said you should see if you and your future husband could try therapy together. I think it would really help you out. At this time, I believe you need to take a step back from your fiancé as I do not think you’re in a healthy place to continue your relationship with him. This is obviously hurting you deeply and you need to find peace with it, of move on to find someone whose also on their first marriage.


    This is my second marriage and everyone has a past. You grow from it and learn from it. My fiancé loves me and doesn’t judge me for having been married before, but if he was hurting as much as you have been recently for as long as you have been on your posts, I would tell him we need to take a break so he could work on himself by himself.
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Well the truth is.... you ARE his second wife. It’s really nothing to struggle with or feel weird about. Did you also struggle when your old boyfriends had prior girlfriends?


    Both FH and I were married before. So he’s my second husband and I’m his second wife 🤷🏽‍♀️ It just is what it is! But that doesn’t make us or (our marriage) any less. Also, I didn’t have kids but FH does (12 year old daughter who lives with us 60% of the time). Thankfully there’s no bad blood with her mother, so that makes it easier. But, this is real life and not some perfectly fake fairytale. I’m so glad to be his second wife (and vice versa) because I feel like we have the the “cheat sheet” firsthand and a better mutual understanding of what it takes. I mean, if our exes were the right ones for us, we’d still be with them.
    Don’t belittle yourself. Your FH is with YOU now. So walk around wearing that title with confidence and pride. Best wishes!!!
    • Reply
  • L
    Liz ·
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    I don’t know if this will help any, but he also signed the divorce paperwork. Yes, he had a relationship that was formally and legally recognised, but it was also formally and legally ended.

    I echo Catherine’s comment above, I think therapy/counselling would be really helpful for you. It’s clear this is something that is really bothering you, and non of us here are going to be able to solve that for you. Take the time to work on this.

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  • Christy
    Devoted April 2022
    Christy ·
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    Misselis,
    I agree with Catherine. Even if you don’t take an actual break from your relationship, take a break to focus on your mental and emotional well being by addressing this issue with a professional. I had all my therapy appointments via telehealth from the comfort of my home. A therapist does nothing more than ask you the questions that you perhaps you should be asking yourself (if you were thinking more clearly) in order to guide you into a more rational self reflection. This isn’t to say that your feelings are not valid. My therapist actually helped validate my feelings when it felt like no one else I talked to could. But in order to do that, you do have to figure out WHY you feel this way. Clearly, no one here can help you with that. What we can say is that these thoughts are sabotaging your happiness during what is supposed to be a happy time for you & they could also sabotage your relationship.
    Take a beat. Do some research on therapists in your area. Try a few sessions & approach them with an open mind and a belief that it will help.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Would you feel the same if he had been widowed? You will be his Wife , no 1st or 2nd, just simply Wife. This may also be something that he wants to put behind him and start a fresh.
    • Reply
  • Rabreena
    Devoted October 2021
    Rabreena ·
    • Flag

    My FH and I have both been married before, and I had a son during my previous marriage.

    I think you are getting in your head too much with the thought of being his "second wife". As it was stated before you shouldn't think/dwell on the fact that this is his second marriage and your his "second". Just simply think of it as you are his wife. Yes he was married before, but he realized that wasn't the relationship he needed, so he moved on in life and found you! He is choosing you over any and everyone else that there is, in order to be his wife! You are the lucky one. He feels there is no one better than you, as you are the person that makes him the happiest. He loves you! Smiley heart

    Keep thinking with positive thoughts like these, reinforcing positivity to yourself, that he has made the right choice picking you. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
    • Flag
    What is bothering u exactly? In many ways being the second wife is bomb. Like thy know what didn’t work and obv everything about u works! So what’s the question here?
    • Reply

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