What would you do? Bridesmaid problem

I would talk with her as a friend just making sure she's good. Maybe in a month or so asks her plans for your wedding. Everyone always saying all she has to do is show up and if she doesn't oh well confuses me. My thinking is I would want to know so I don't buy things for her that aren't needed such as bouquet,jewelry, rehearsal dinner food, makeup, hair, reception plate and any other things you may be planning to pay for your bridal party. Asking someone their intentions of being in your wedding has a lot more to do with these things than playing in the reindeer games beforehand.

Just don't ask her to step down and definitely continue to check in just as a friend

I don't think she's hinting at you to ask her to step down. I think she's hinting that she doesn't have the time or money to be "involved" in activities she doesn't need to be involved in. It's hard for us to remember sometimes, but no one cares as much about the wedding as the bride/groom do. Asking her to step down would be the end of a friendship.

You do understand that she just has to show up the day of the wedding and look pretty, right? She doesn't need to spend any money except on a dress, which the budget should have been discussed privately prior to it being picked out.

Dress price and style was agreed apon and I'm not requiring many other expenses I said I trusted them all to look nice. So if they need to cut costs they can do their own nails and curl their own hair and I don't care if she comes the Bachelorette party but we were going to do a low cost glamping thing.

I will probably try and start conversation about something else, because yeah I'll be honest I'm a little anxious about her statement but you are right she's probably stressed. When I'm stressed I like to talk about it make lists and charts and figure it out all right away. Could be a personality clash in that respect.

This is simple..."MOVE ON"

You guys are really ok not knowing weather or not your BM is going to back out or be in your wedding?

Yes. It's totally possible that my MOH might call me the morning of the wedding puking with a fever and can't come. I want her there more than anything but shit happens. Trust her to know what she can and can't do and she'll let you know if not. It makes exactly 0 difference to how your day will go. Sides don't have to be even and no one will notice if they aren't

Well, I mean, it sucks to not know. No one will argue with you there. But there's not a whole lot you can do about it other than be a good and supportive friend between now and October 21 (and beyond, of course!)

OP, my MOH is in the UK. I'm hoping she'll be at my wedding, but who knows something may happen and she may have to head home early. Get over it, you can't micromanage life, it doesn't work that way.

As you have 8 months please don't talk to her about the wedding. Don't talk to her about Bach parties, showers or any other kind of party you think she needs to be involved in. Talk to her like she's your friend. Then in a month or two after rebuilding the friendship ask her for her dress budget if you are picking dresses, or give her dress guidelines for the dress(color, length). Then tell her that it's more important for her to stand beside when you get married than anything else. Don't worry about anything else then the dress and being there for you

I'm not bothered by either outcome it's the not knowing that's bugging me. Just feel like she should respond in some way. Feeling like shes either ignoring me or avoiding me is frustrating i dont want that. And this is different from someone having an emergency right before the wedding I think.

It's totally understandable to be a little hurt and annoyed that she is not responding to your texts. But it is also totally understandable for her to be a little hurt and annoyed that you keep pestering her about wedding-related things. These things cost money, and you know money is tight for her right now. So back way off on talk of bridesmaid dresses and "say yes to the dress" parties and bachelorette parties and all the other wedding related topics. A simple text like "Hey, sorry for being so self-involved lately. I know there is more than just me and my wedding in the world. How have you been?" goes a long way toward repairing the damage.

Also, OP I'm in Canada and getting married in August , it could be 40*C with the humidex or 10*C and thunderstorms. I don't fucking know. I do know that at the end of the day I'll be married. For fuck's sake, you're focused on the wrong things. Your friend is telling you something, and you are worrying about your bloody wedding. Step back and focus on your friendship!

Pick up the phone n have a conversation...

She's an adult. Let her decide. You've offered (which is really nice) to help pay. Ball is in her court. She can join pre wedding events or not. I am sure this isn't a reflection of feelings about you but more about how she deals with conflict and decisions. Just let it be for now - you have time.

Sounds like you are more concerned about how she will fit into your wedding than you are about her struggles. She has a life outside of your wedding! She doesn't need to meet or become friends with the other bridesmaids. Two of my BMs have not met each other, and won't until the wedding. Simmer down and realign your expectations with reality: a bridesmaid's only job is to stand up with you on your wedding day.

Let's be clear my main frustration is that I have a bridesmaid that has not responded to me in a month after saying she might not be able to be in the wedding. I did not make a single activity mandatory and she cancelled last minute and I was sad but did not go zilla on her ass, and she said she could come and then she cancelled, idk where anyone got the idea that I was butt hurt that she didn't come to those things I was dissapointed because she agreed to go and then didn't. And now I feel like she dropped an emotional bomb on me and then fled the scene. I never pressured her into anything and even when she said this to me my response was what can I do to help not "what the hell". I'm trying to figure out what to do when a friend doesn't respond to you in a month. If she can do it great and if she can't that's OK and I told her that, I gave her all the comfort in the world that I would support her and her decision and she is just not talking to me. And iv tried to call her but no answer but I only tried once and left a voice mail. I totally get that I could be pressuring her even if my words were kind and supportive, but she is an adult and I don't think she should just flat out ignore me all together. She should say something right? Anything. Sorry for this outburst.

I agree with Michelle and Melissa. You've done what you could and just let her come to you. It's frustrating because as a friend, you wouldn't expect to be ghosted about something this important. Yes, she probably has stuff going on in her life, but so do you and her decision can be costly for you too. Personally, I wouldn't agree to be in a wedding and avoid the couple because I may have other obligations. I wouldn't want to flake out, but leaving them on the hook is worse.

@futuremrslevchuk Thank you that was very reassuring. I think my actions will be just to give her time and change the subject to try and get some dialoge going, that was good advice.