What to do if your guests don't want to commit to coming to your wedding

I would just tell them to give you a final hard answer by x date.

That is so rude considering your wedding is in September. they certainly don't know what does it really mean. Maybe you should explain the "cost" behind and all the little details that it will impact such as seating plan ...

Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do other than mark them as a yes and hope they make it. I know better than some how frustrating this can be, we had to follow up with roughly 100 guests after our RSVP date passed, AND we ended up with approx 34 NO SHOWS at the wedding....

Firmly (but kindly) tell them you need a final answer to give the caterer. This is so rude of them, in my opinion!

As Melle said, tell them you need a definite answer by X date as you need to confirm the head count with the caterer and don't want to over spend on food if they think they might not make it. We've been dealing with this a lot too. We had to contact almost half of our guest list after our deadline passed too. Personally if they are rude enough to not respond correctly then they deserve to for me to be rude back. Lol

“Unfortunately our caterer actually has us pay per head in advance, so we really need to know for sure if you are coming by x date, or else we’ll have to mark you as a no”

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I agree with this! Of course, there's always going to be an exception to the rule. I have a couple of guests coming that have invisible diseases that can flare up at any point in time. I told them that if anything happens to not feel bad if they can't make it on the day of.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. How incredibly rude of your guests!

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I think this is the perfect wording. It doesn't throw the money thing in their face but let's them know there will be an exact count of plates and they may not get one unless they let you know they will be attending.

We have one guest and her plus one that is unsure because she cares for her mom and that is a day to day thing. But we said we would mark her as coming because we know she'll be there if she can but she is the one person that already has a pass if she can't at the last minute. To us it was important she feel welcome without added stress. Two guests is not much to worry about too.

View Quoted Comment Yes I think this is perfect!

I'd tell them that you need a solid answer or else you'll have to mark them as no and there will not be food or seating for them. Sometimes you gotta be blunt.

Oh yeah. My response, "Hi so and so. I would love to put you down but unfortunately my venue needs an exact number of who will be there for sure on the day. They have asked me to confirm and double check to make sure we have an accurate count. Unfortunately, I cannot include people on our final list unless we receive confirmations that guests will absolutely be in attendance on the day. Please let me know if you plan on attending with certainty. Otherwise, my FH and I would love to get together with you at some other time after the wedding. As the deadline has already passed, I will need to know your decision by (2 days out). Thank you and I hope we can plan on you coming!

I’m going through the same thing 🤦🏽‍♀️ But hey no rsvp I’m filling your spot 🙌🏽🤷🏽‍♀️ I have friends to fill the seats family won’t and life goes on

This may come across as being rude and going against etiquette but I am giving them 5 days post deadline and we will be following up. If we get a responsesich as yours I plan to say we needa final answer to make sure we plan accordingly. We need to know how much alcohol and cupcakes to purchase and dinner is 40 dollars a head. I don't want to waste money unnecessarily. May seem rude but their response or lach there of is what is rude.

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This is exactly what I would say. From all the stories I read here about RSVP nightmares, etc., I'm starting to think that most people DON'T understand how wedding invites, lists, headcounts, catering, etc. works. I mean, most of the weird responses I hear about make me think that guests are treating the wedding just as they would a kid's birthday party invite or a graduation invite--as if the headcount doesn't really have to be all that accurate. Like it's ok if the count is "close enough." WRONG!

It's so frustrating to me, because I know my time for this nightmare is coming, and I just wish I could let everyone know ahead of time how important this is!! It's absolutely imperative that we have an accurate count! I love my family and friends dearly, but I'm not willing to shell out $100+ per person on a "maybe." Not going to happen. I have worked too hard and spent too much money on this day to be throwing money in the garbage. That's what it is when a guest answers this way, and you have to hope they'll make it.

What do you guys think about an insert in the invitation suite, that tells guests basically what I just said, that an absolute "yes" or "no" is required by a certain date, and anyone who doesn't respond, or isn't sure by that date will be counted as a "no." This is basically what I'll be saying when I get to the RSVP deadline, and have to follow up with the non-responders. So, what's wrong with putting in the invitation suite, right up front? Will that offend? Put people off from attending?

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Yeah I genuinely don't think people understand that for most weddings, you have to pay in advance for your final headcount regardless of how many people show up. I had several people who gave me "probably" answers, and I had to nicely inform them that no, your "probably" isn't good enough because it's going to cost me $100. I didn't say it like THAT of course hahaha, but I did let them know that we had to pay ahead of time. Luckily my guests who did this weren't rude, just flaky lol, so upon realizing that I would be paying for their "probably" they made sure to give me a firm answer one way or another. I genuinely just think a lot of people don't understand that, so sometimes it is necessary to nicely bring to their attention that it IS costing you... and most people won't want that on their shoulders (hopefully, lol).

I wouldn't bother with an insert honestly, but it depends on your crowd and how many flaky answers you're expecting to get. For us, out of the 145 people we invited, we got maybe half a dozen "maybe" responses. Everyone else was super clear. So to me it wouldn't have been worth it to potentially off-put 140 guilt-less people in order to have guaranteed definitive responses from just the handful who were flaky.

I also think asking for an RSVP at all IS telling people that you need a solid yes/no answer..... if people aren't going to understand that from being asked to RSVP, they probably won't get it from an insert card either (or, they will be the same people who don't bother to read the insert card, or think they're exempt from that request, etc...) One of the people who was giving a flaky answer was my mom's friend who didn't RSVP or say anything until we reached out to her because she apparently lost her invitation (and decided never bothered to reach out about it...?) and then after that, proceeded to give us a "probably, but let me check my schedule." And we're like no, you had 2 months to ask us and check your schedule, the RSVP deadline was yesterday -.- But, overall, as annoying as that is lol, it was easy enough to just reach out to the people who were being flaky. Also just shows though that adding an insert card telling people we need a definitive response sure would not have made a difference to someone like that!

We also made an excuse a few days before our headcount was due to reach out to a lot of our guests again..... "just wanted to double check if you have any food allergies or restrictions?" which was a legit question we had, and also served as a non-verbal "I'm reminding you that my wedding is in 2 weeks so if you're going to bail, please do it now" lol. We didn't have any no-shows... everyone who said they would be there was there. One person left after cocktail hour because a family friend of his died :/ But clearly not his fault!

With your wedding still being almost 2 months away, it is possible some people may genuinely not know yet if they can make it for sure. I would figure out when you absolutely must know by for your venue/caterer and follow up with them right before saying your numbers are due and you need a concrete answer.

We had a couple people who couldn’t really commit much in advance due to health concerns. My caterers needed a final headcount 2 weeks in advance....but ultimately that number was the minimum guarantee, and though they wouldn’t subtract guests after that, I could add guests up until 48 hours before the event. So at 2 weeks out I submitted my numbers without the maybes (though spoke with the catering coordinator to give a heads up we may have a couple add ons), and I went about my planning as if they WERE coming (re things like seating charts & escort cards). I followed up the weekend before the wedding and they were able to give a solid answer (they could come, yay!) so I reached out ASAP to the caterer and added them in.

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You're probably right about the insert, that it won't really make any difference. It was just a thought I had after reading yet another RSVP horror story. I'm all about heading off problems in advance, if possible. But I don't think there's anything more that can be done here. People really don't get that this is a different sort of RSVP request than most people are used to. I guess I'll just have to wait until it's my turn. Thanks for your thoughts!

I don’t understand what is soo hard about guests filling out the PRE STAMPED rsvp and sticking it back in the mail. I have gotten less than half of the RSVPs back and the respond by date on them is tomorrow.

View Quoted Comment I agree with you!