What did the groom's family pay for? FH is upset with his parents...

Life isn't fair- its not supposed to be. this is a topic that gets alot of discussion in my house because i have 3 sisters and all seem to get different treatment. my older sister has 2 babies about 12 months apart and my parents bought them a house to settle down in. However when my FH and I asked if they would do the same for us and we could pay rent to them in hopes of paying for the house and eventually buying it off of them it was a no sorry we cant, this picture says it all i think.. when it comes to siblings i dont think we will all get the same thing however parents will help me to get where i need to go and that might not be what my sisters needs.

@Emma hit the nail on the head with that meme. I don't know what's going on with this particular OP situation. But all children don't and shouldn't get the same thing. Every child is different. Everyone gets what they need.

I agree with M. Not that there's anything you can or should do about it other than sympathize, but it seems really unfair, whether it's money or time or anything else.

My parents paid for my entire wedding (although ILs wanted to split it with them), but I'm pretty sure that they're not planning to contribute when my brother gets married. It's just that they're traditional that way. When we have kids, DH and I are planning to focus on paying for college first, but if we're in a financial position to do so, I would want to contribute equally to all our children's weddings.

Julia, if you're able to(I'm assuming here) pay for both your children's wedding, and you only pay for one, you're kinda a dick. Sorry.

Saying "everyone gets what they need" could lead to some extreme unfairness. Does that mean if one kid doesn't work hard in school, never saves, etc., the parents will bail them out because they "need" a fancy wedding? Vs. the kid who always has a job, saves, etc. and thus gets less money because they already have what they need?

Dollar amounts for a wedding are so easily quantifiable that it does seem unfair that a parent would give one kid 8K and nothing to the other. There's a huge discrepancy between me and FH with what our parents contributed - because his have passed away and his father couldn't even be bothered to make a will, despite repeated requests from family members.

My parents didn't give much compared to a lot of people on here, but what they did was extremely fair and there's no resentment from me on that. They even take inflation into account to make sure that their kids are getting the same value out of their dollars over the years - because they love us all and treat us equitably (which is not the same as equally).

I do agree with m here. On one side I don't think anyone "has" to throw in money for their child's wedding. But that kinda isn't fair if they pay for 2 and not 1, just because of sex.

But who knows, maybe his parents will give you the $8K for your honeymoon, since "traditionally" the husband pays for the honeymoon....

DH's family just paid for rehearsal and gave us a pretty nice wedding check

@Rebecca I completely agree. That meme is so wrong in so many ways. It's that classic enabling bullshit. "Oh your sister needs our help because she can't afford it on her own but she deserves it just as much as you do". I'm so glad my mom doesn't play that shit. That is completely unfair to the child that works hard.

Money situations are different throughout time. Maybe they fully intended to give 8k to you, but for whatever reason they can't anymore. The fact you asked your families to contribute is really selfish, in my opinion. Sure he can be bummed, but it doesn't mean their parents don't love him or you any less- just means money situations can change.

Life isn't fair.

My parents paid for my younger sister's wedding - about $7000.

They paid for my dress - about $800.

FH's parents aren't paying for anything.

Life goes on.

M I completely agree. I don't understand some of the logic floating around here. If you had a kid that was financially irresponsible and needed money for a wedding, would you give them money but not the other child who was financially independent and didn't need it? I mean let's face it, we all need money. Even if someone could pay for the entire wedding themselves, if you help one kid I feel like you should help the other. Just my opinion.

Yeah, I suspect it's the unequal treatment that stings, much more so than the 'traditions'. One big problem is people's finances change. My dad and stepmom kindly gave us a big chunk of change when I got married-- they were both still working. They had retired by the time my older brother got married, and were even further into retirement when my (much) younger brothers got married. I'd be surprised if they felt like they had that kind of money to give at that point in their lives. SImilarly, our uncle gave us a *very* generous sum of money as a gift, but by the time my younger brother married, he'd gone through a really nasty separation which I hear has wiped him out financially-- I'd be mighty surprised if he was in a place to be as generous.

All of which is long winded to say, "I'm sorry your in-laws didn't treat their children equally and I hope your husband can let it go in time."

I agree with m. I think he has every right to be upset.

FH's parents have been beyond generous for our wedding. They're throwing the RD, paying for the alcohol, and their business is catering. We have an unheard of price for food (~$16/pp) because they are only charging us for service and what it costs them to buy the food. This is a catering company that FMIL told us we "couldn't afford" with our budget if they weren't FH's parents.

Having said all of this, his sister just got engaged and she isn't even being given a budget. FILs want her to have the "wedding of her dreams".

Like I said I don't know what's going on in OP situation. It could be what @e=mc said money situations change over time.

Giving a child what they need has nothing to do with money. Being a parent is about more then giving your kids money. One child may need more of a watchful eye than another child. One child may need more space than another child. IMO parenting is not a one size fit all solution. You parent each child base on who they are as a person. For example you may let one child date at the age of 14 and the other at the age of 16. Does that mean you love one more than the other. No they just can handle different things at different ages because they are different people.

All the traditional stuff plus other stuff I love as much as the bride and don't want to see them do without...... Traditional includes the bridal party flowers except the BMs bouquets and because there was a miscommunication (my fault) also paying half the bridal toss bouquet, the Venue minimum $4k (which should cover the traditional groom's family responsibility for liquor plus part of the food) , rehearsal dinner, nannies, kids table supplies, and I'm expecting that they're going to have trouble coming up with DJ, maybe invitations, at this point no idea what else may come up. Plus all the décor. The one thing we don't have any plans to help with is the honeymoon....... and knowing how low a priority it is with my son, it's not looking good. She had her heart set on Hawaii and if it's solely dependent on him, she'll get a night at a local hotel. Of course, that's all we had, I hope he's not using our situation as the right example for a honeymoon. But that is between them. Also probably helping our soon to be granddaughters with the bridal shower, they are only 20 and 12, they've asked if I could help them plan, and I can't plan without spending.

My parents spent all their money on my little sister's wedding (about 15K)... I'm getting married about 1.5 years later and there's nothing left for me! They just aren't good with money (they are probably still in debt from hers). My mom also gave my sister are large inherited diamond... which my sister lost!

So it sucks to see all this money spent on her when it wasn't even appreciated by her... but se la vie! She just happened to get married first....

To Answer Your Question:: Your FH needs to have a talk with them and "Get a number" that they're comfortable giving him. Since they helped his other siblings, it's at least not wrong for him to gently ask if they have anything saved for him....

You know, I don't really consider myself very progressive, but what we generally do (big life items) for one kid, we do for all kids (4 girls 1boy). We gifted our girls their weddings and will be willing to do the same for DS. Now, DS is the youngest and has hated all the hassle that goes into weddings. Heck, he thought his HS open house was a ton of hassle getting ready for it. He swears he wants to JOP and be done when his time comes. I told him he needs to compromise with whomever he marries.

Anyhow, I think your DH is going to have to get over the entitlement and hurt feelings and just accept that his parents are very old fashioned in the wedding world.

I can totally understand him being upset that because he isn't a female (so it seems anyway) that he isn't getting the same treatment from his parents in regards to wedding finances. But they may just be going the more traditional route, seeing as they offered to pay for the rehearsal, and that is traditionally what the groom's parents pay for.

My FH's dad and step mom are paying for our rehearsal dinner, and his step mom and my mom co-hosted my bridal shower. But as far as contributing to the actual wedding day, zero. While my parents have helped us out a lot by paying all the down payments on all of our vendors and venue and paid for my dress. I can tell that irks my mom a bit, because she said that if and when my little brother gets married they aren't going to pay for any of it besides maybe the rehearsal dinner like FH's parents. FH has 2 sisters, but neither are married yet, so I can't say how much if any more than what we are getting they will contribute. But your FH's parents could be on the same page as my parents in that they helped with their daughters' weddings more, so now they get to let the bride's parents help out more like they did for their daughters and they get to ease up a bit and just help with the RD. I would try to give him that perspective that maybe they are just being more traditional and try not to take offence. At least your parent's are helping you guys out. Does he know if his sister's DH's parents helped with their weddings at all? Even so, every situation is different, and he should try to be happy that they are at least offering the RD, they could give nothing at all.

Maybe their financial situation changed, or they're getting closer to retirement and have to watch it. They don't owe it to him, many couples pay for their own. He's lucky to still have parents. First world problems imo.

Thanks for all the input. I'm sorry if I made it sound like we asked for money. We never did. We asked our families if they would like to contribute and let them know if they didn't want to we completely understood and were fine with it.

My SIL got married at the courthouse - twice. I don't know what my in-laws contributed to the first one, but the 2nd one was a complete surprise. We got a lot of animosity, from my SIL, because she thinks her way was/is best.

My parents paid for my wedding - they offered, we didn't ask, and my in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. Actually, they had told my husband a few months before, that we could expect a $1,000 wedding gift from them. They ended up spending $700 on the rehearsal dinner and gave us a gift of $300. Oh well ...

My mother is an only child and my grandmother is an only child and they are absolutely 100% fair, to my sister and myself, when it comes to giving gifts. Other than birthday and Xmas gifts, which are the same, my mother actually keeps tract of what she spends on us, on a yearly basis, and makes sure it's equal, at the end of the year. My grandmother on the other side plays favorites and brags about her other kid/grandkids, to an obnoxious level. That side of the family really isn't a part of our lives.