Wedding gift - is this reasonable?

Honestly i think that's fine since they are more like the plus 1's. like at least they gave you anything at all, ya know?

I think the issue should be with your mom. She invited people not on your guest list. Its not the son/girlfriends fault they were included in your wedding.

Some people don't give gifts at all. You invite people to your wedding because they are people you want to celebrate your day with and their presence at your event is the gift, any sort of money or physical gift on top of that is a bonus. If a third party invites people to your wedding who don't have significant meaning to you and those people themselves don't add value to your event, its not their fault and they aren't required to provide a gift or financial compensation to make up for it.

You can't hold a grudge against the couple for not getting you an expensive enough gift to cover the cost of feeding and hosting them for the evening. And even if you didn't feel a $65 gift was appropriate, what are you going to do about it? Not send a thank you card? Uninvite them (assuming the wedding hasn't happened yet) because their gift wasn't good enough when you didn't consider uninviting them just because you don't know them well enough to have at your wedding in the first place? Be a jerk to them all night? And if the wedding hasn't happened yet, its possible they will have a supplementary gift at your event. Some people give a small physical gift and then supplement with cash.

You are picking the wrong fight at the wrong time with the wrong person. Feel free to be upset with your mom but I don't think its fair to act "less generous" towards this couple when they got dragged into this by their parents too.

View Quoted Comment She invited a couple that are friends of their parents’—-who then invited their adult children—- whom she did not intend to invite; this is rude on behalf of the couple that was invited.

What your standards for gift giving are not all standards for everyone else. They gave what they gave. Remember that gifts are not necessary but appreciated.

Forgot to say— also make sure you send a thank you. I can understand social circle guidelines you follow as do I but not everyone is there or on the same page. They did gift you something do not discount that. Be humbled and grateful by their kindness.

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Agree with this 100%

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I agree that it is not correct behavior but the adult children should not be judged or punished by the bride. Many people do not want to attend random strangers’ weddings, and only the other family knows the circumstances and conversations that led to the adult kids being invited and attending.

Perhaps the bride’s mother should not have invited their friends which had a snowball effect. It’s already set in motion so unless the bride and groom revoke the invitation from the mom’s friend, which is also rude, or they contact the guests to let them know the adult kids are not welcome, there is not much that can be done at this point, especially after the bride consented to them attending. She could have said no at any time. They do need to be treated graciously like the “official “ guests. Based on posts, it appears that the issue is not with the adult children attending but rather they are not gifting the amount/value that the OP has decided to be minimum standard and expects everyone to already know that specific price range and anything less is deemed inferior. That is not how a gracious host/ess acts.

View Quoted Comment Yes read my comments below pertaining to gift amount. I am in agreement in that department.

I'm just going to settle all these speculations once for all. Contrary to what some of you assumed or so quickly concluded, I have always planned to be courteous and do the right thing which included thanking them. Just as I didn't think it was right to force my parent to negate her consent. Heck my thank you card had been in the mail days before I even posted this. We are all adults and can act with manners.


The question was on the expectation for pluses. I wanted to understand the general expectations as my way is obviously not the only way and I had no idea whether that was the majority or the minority. While some here seem to feel that wedding gifts are optional, clearly it is not the only school of thought. I personally would be curious if any of the brides is 100% okay if none of her guests brings anything or anyone as a guest thinks it's okay to show up empty handed because "one's presence" is enough.
Everyone is welcomed to share their perspectives on the matter gift giving/appropriate amount based on your upbringing or personal experience of other weddings. But leave out the personal judgment and name calling since those of who did seemed to be more eager to villify rather than learning more about the situation. You can tell me if I'm being unreasonable in my expectations of gifts but I personally would be disappointed if Weddingwire forum becomes a place to pass easy judgment and harsh, frankly rude labels that one would not say it to someone in the face.
To those of you who answered my questions objectively and with genuine advice, I thank you and appreciate your insights.

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I don't expect anything from people who I have no relationship with. We don't have a registry at all and a number of people have asked and I just tell them we've lived together for years and have a small house so we wouldn't know what to even ask for (which is 100% true). I am totally fine if we don't get any gifts. I am hopeful we get a number of cash gifts (which we can use to "pay ourselves back" for the wedding or to go on a nice honeymoon eventually) but we aren't expecting them. The only way I can see myself really being angry with not getting a gift is if a guest somehow negatively impacted our event; if they caused drama, were a high maintenance guest, dressed and acted completely inappropriately for our wedding, or somehow otherwise made their presence a negative thing instead of a positive one, I feel like a gift would maybe balance out the bad behavior in my head and lack of a gift would aggravate it. In your shoes I would absolutely have pushed back on the invitation by a third party of any guests that weren't on our guest list.

Plus ones generally have no relationship with the couple and I don't think its customary to do much more than a minimal/modest gift, if one at all. If I'm going to a wedding where I don't know the couple well, as the plus one or date of an invited person, I typically assume the person who brought me to the wedding is going to be responsible for providing an appropriate gift to the couple. As an invited guest's date, I don't consider it my personal duty to give to the couple whatever I feel it is my spot in their wedding cost them. Did your mom's friends (the couple's parents) give you a gift?

I'm also not sure what "advice" you are seeking. If this is a couple you don't know and you already sent a thank you, there is no further action needed on your part. Unless they are a close part of your inner circle, I don't know what "giving them a pass" would mean as you are unlikely to see them much or be in a situation where you are called to provide judgement to their character. I would just let it go.

If you are allowing these additional guests your mom invited, with the expectation they were going to give a gift of a certain dollar amount, then the error is yours. You could have reached back out to the couple and let them know you didn't have the extra seats (or made your mom do it). The fact that you are allowing them to attend does not make them part of "your circle" if they weren't originally invited.

While etiquette may say to take a gift, the dollar amount is completely up to the person/couple doing the giving.

I am still shocked someone asked to bring their adult daughter and boyfriend to a wedding. I mean, who does that?

Per the gifts, let it go. We had a few not give us a gift - so what. One friend keeps saying he is going to drop it off. It has been four years this October.....don't think it is coming, lol. Another couple friend....he is a partner in a law firm....no gift/don't care.

View Quoted Comment Yes, I would be 100% okay if none of my guests brought gifts. We're not having a wedding to receive gifts. We're having one to celebrate our love story with our family and friends. I would honestly be mortified if I found out that someone declined their invite because they couldn't afford to bring a gift, because yes I really do think that a true friend would believe that their guests' presence on their wedding day was enough. Especially right now with everything that everyone has had to deal with in the past year.

It's really tricky to assume someone's financial situation. Just because on the surface they both have jobs says nothing to what their actual situation is. IMO, them giving you a gift as +2s is more generous than expected as they could have just had one gift from the 4 of them.