Wedding as project management: lessons learned from ours

I don't know what would have prevented this problem for us. Some have told me they had their MOH directing traffic for group photos. I didn't have any attendants, so there was no obvious person to ask to help with it.

Have very clear communications with your florist about colors. If I did this again, I would literally have referenced pantone color chip numbers for my flowers. Because I was apparently not clear enough. Instead, I was at the grocery store swearing and buying all the hot pink flowers they had for my centerpieces, 3 hours before my wedding. It worked out ok but was nerve-wracking.

Have a plan and some help lined up for tearing down after the reception. (Ideally, paid help if you can.) We didn't want to pay our coordinator to stand around for hours at the reception long after the actual coordinating was done just so she could help us tear down. So we had to tear down the centerpieces and such ourselves. This was a pain, even though we had a very minimal amount of decorations and 'stuff' to wrangle. This is the moment of your wedding day when you will have absolutely no desire to be bothered with any of this. Thank god for my brother in law and his wife, they were really clutch. :-)

If I were doing it over, I would chop the train off my dress, just leaving a soft extra curve of fabric at the back. As it was, the train made a number of pictures look dumpy and it was a pain in the ass on the dance floor. And if like me you have an outdoor ceremony, I ended up bustling the dress for the processional, because the ground was so wet. As far as I'm concerned, a train is just not worth the trouble, and is often unflattering if you aren't 6 feet tall weighing 120lbs. (who needs to look shorter and wider?)

The thing that is hardest about trying to organize a wedding inexpensively is that it is much harder to buy a small amount of any service than a large amount. You are not a good opportunity for money making, so no one is going to really extend themselves for you, in the effort to get your business. For example, renting chairs for your ceremony is cheap! But getting them delivered is an enormous ripoff, costwise. And since that was literally the only thing we were renting, we ended up hauling the chairs ourselves, which was a bunch of work, at a time when we needed to be 3 other places.

Never stop asking yourself, as you add up the tasks leading up to the wedding, if there is any way you can reduce the number of things that you and your fiance must do yourselves in the days right before the wedding. Make this a priority.

The things we ended up doing most successfully were the things we knew the most about. For example, both the ceremony musician and the live band at the reception were huge hits that we were entirely thrilled with. DH and I are big music fans, we go to live shows pretty often, we know a fair number of musicians, and were able to see our band play about 5 other shows before our wedding, which meant we knew what we were going to be getting. The venue and food were great and our guests expressed their happiness with the food. The things you don't know as much about are just going to be harder to successfully select and purchase.

As you are planning your wedding, realize that if you want things to be 'nice' and to match your taste, you will have to spend either money or time (often both) to get there. Be strategic about what makes sense to 1) Buy, 2) DIY, 3) borrow, or 4) do without. I ended up burning a bunch of time on some fun DIY projects mainly because I couldn't find what I was looking for on the internet, or anywhere else. I probably could have done without some of them.

Realize that about 48 hours out, you will lose the ability to bear down and be an organizational maniac. My brain was just shot, and I was ready to enjoy the party, and I did not have anymore ability to hound people, or fuss over details that weren't 100% perfect. So anything that really does require that level of management, make sure to get in hand earlier than you think you need to.

There is nothing more important to your ability to have fun at the most expensive party you will ever put on than having comfortable feet. Hold out for comfortable shoes that you can dance and stand in for hours on end happily. No one can see your feet most of the time anyway!

I'm sure other folks have their own lessons learned! Please chime in!

Lori, great post!

And, Congrats!!!

Very helpful! Thank you!

You look beautiful

Extremely helpful! You looked beautiful! Thank you for the tips!!!

Congrats and thanks for the tips!

Very helpful and honest!! Congrats- you guys are a good looking couple!

Lori, there's a part of me -- albeit a tiny part -- that wonders what it would be like to have a second bite of the bridal apple. I had the big white wedding back in 1982, and it featured all of the customary frills of its time, but today, it would all be so different, even if the husband were the same guy I've been married to for almost 35 years.. Terrible things would have to happen in order for that path to be cleared, but I do read the posts of the second time, mature brides with real interest.

You made some great points, but I'm going to have to disagree with you on the cash bar. I take a hard line position against a couple advertising the availability of any refreshment -- and liquor is a refreshment -- that requires your guests (those who have already opened their wallets several times in anticipation of your wedding) to open them again to enjoy something stronger than wine or beer. We'll probably never agree on that. It's the way it's been in done in my family for as long as I can remember, and up until, I'm sure, the next family wedding I attend in September. It's in my DNA, and there is no argument that will change my mind.

However, the issues with your florist are unacceptable. I don't need Pantone swatches to understand what our brides are anticipating. The fact the you, the bride, the client, the woman signing the checks, the most important VIP of your florist's day, were running around a grocery store's floral aisle three hours before your wedding is a fail. Geez...a grocery store floral department? You're at the mercy of what didn't sell on Thursday! It is always a possibility that a certain variety of flower is unavailable, but a color scheme? That can be accommodated in any situation. Only because I've been on the receiving end of a wholesaler's fail can I say that I can begin to understand what kind of stress you were under (but it was never at the three hours and counting mark).

As far as saying that chair delivery is a rip off expense, I beg to differ. Unless you run an event rental business, you really don't know what costs are incurred by businesses who rent, deliver, and pick up event rentals. Businesses don't exist if they don't realize a profit after they've paid the immutables and their employees. The expenses in a business -- any business -- are far more than an outsider could imagine. For those who can't meet those fees, DIY options are everywhere. People are free to buy chairs or borrow chairs, and they are free to deal with the set up and break down of those chairs. Remember,. before invoking the words "rip off", business owners deal with taxes, must pay employees, cover the cost of benefits for delivery personnel, pay for commercial insurance on the vehicles used to transport the rentals, cover the cost of event insurance, etc. -- it's even more than that, but none of it is free. To the average individual, it's more like, "What's the big deal? They're chairs on a truck that have to dropped off."

Thanks for posting. There are gems in your post.

I literally laughed out loud... Great tips to keep in mind that even with the best laid plans... Things are still going to be out of our control.

Super helpful!!! Congrats!

Look, I understand that permitting guests to purchase cocktails beyond the beer and wine is a huge deal to some, and I didn't offer that detail as a tip, but as a description of what we chose to do. And nothing was advertised, per se; if any guests went to the bar and asked for something besides beer and wine, they were given the option, by the bartender, to purchase that drink. I understand that criticism, but don't agree. Our arrangement was flexible and let guests suit themselves, which never seems like a bad thing to do.

Thanks for all the information. I will be honest I follow the BAMs for the shared experiences more than the photos. Also being an older bride myself you've helped with a lot of un addressed matters.

Congratulations, and thanks for the lessons.

I know that BAM's are sacred, but the way that you graciously presented this post is a little different. Very helpful indeed, a some forks in the road for me too, as with Centerpiece. I don't think it's a real shock that pros tend to look at many things differently than consumers do.

The entire event sounds lovely; one of my favorite scenarios for a wedding. You look beautiful and it looks like you had a gorgeous day too! For me, 65 is a perfect number for a wedding; you know everyone, they are intimately attached to you and the atmosphere truly is special because they are so close to you.

I disagree that vendors won't want to extend themselves because it's a small wedding. Most services like me, a dj, photographers, don't charge by the person for the same service. (We charge less for elopements because generally the service is shorter. A photographer will probably charge less for a small group because less time is necessary SOMETIMES.) But we love our small weddings, and the key, I think is to find a venue that loves them too (we routinely recommend dozens of them), and other vendors that value you.

o... The 'chairs are a rip off' thing is basically like 'well, it's only 20 minutes' or 'anyone can plop flowers in a vase. Or 'how hard can it be to ,...........(insert any paid skill here, probably skills that everyone here does and hopes to get paid market rate to do.....) A chair drop off is a chair drop off; having dealt with rental ordering for years, i can tell you that it's pretty cost intense. You probably figured that out by the time you hauled those chairs all over the place.

The photographer point is so spot on; always have someone from each side to wrangle the guests you need for photos. It makes that part of the day go so much more smoothly and efficiently.

As for the bar; I'd have make a sign that noted what was available as hosted, or have those bottles on display and call it a day. Wine and beer is absolutely fine hosting. I see that all the time. Personally I think it's much more graceful than having anything available that needs to be paid for. Once cash get dragged into the mix, it's a little wince worthy, whether or not anyone will tell you.

I think two of the best tips you presented, even though you probably didn't intend to (in fact the opposite) is to get to a point where you let it go. You pay people to do tear down (I did what you did and I would never repeat that.....) You look at the flowers and if they're not perfect you realize that no one knows that they aren't what you intended, and unless they're monstrous, you enjoy your wedding day without standing in line at Shop-Rite.

I can betcha that when you talk to anyone who was a guest, they'll say they had a great time and it won't be because of the flowers, if they hated the cash bar they won't tell you. They'll know it was a beautiful day, a gorgeous couple that they love and an event to remember. That's really all we can all hope for.

Congratulations!!

Congratulations on your big day!!!

I second what Celia said regarding the photographer. In my pre-wedding meetings with my couples (it's in their pre-wedding tip list too), I stress having at least one if not two people rounding up the family members needed for portraits. It saves time, stress, and confusion. Personally, I have a shot list on hand with all the family shots that the couple is requesting so I can move through them as seamlessly as possible. This also helps in cases of divided families.

When meeting with your photographer, let them know your family dynamics. Don't spring a "mom refuses to be in any pictures with dad" or "my parents are divorced so don't stand them next to each other" moment on your photographer the day of the wedding if at all possible. If you clearly communicate your needs ahead of time, it is much easier for us to follow through with them in the quickest, least-stressful manner possible. A good professional should make sure that all faces can be clearly seen in a portrait before snapping the shot, although there are no guarantees with infants/toddlers who may just choose not to cooperate that day.

I like the fact that you realized in the end that no one will notice the little details that were off other than yourself. That's a good attitude to go with.

Congratulations!!!

I was an older bride too. I am also very anal about certain things & organization is key! Day of was when I had my moment. Things still needed to be done & I got to the point that I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be married. Every wedding will have hiccups. It's how you handle them is what counts. My DH is a time hound. His biggest pet peeve is being late. We joked about it so much & trust me when I had my timeline in order but because of last minute hiccups I was late. Our joke was I had a 5 minute window. Um I was 20 minutes late! Happy ending though we're married & couldn't be happier!

To be clear about the photo issue -- we didn't have any 'family dynamics' to manage, other than that humans are wiggly and require specific direction about where to stand so that you can see every single face. They would have cooperated readily but didn't get enough direction from the photographer, and because I was in the photos, I couldn't say, "Hey, my dad's face is blocked by my sister's head!"

And actually, the grocery store trip for flowers made me feel better, because by deciding to fix the problem myself, I didn't have to fume about it and be distracted. It was the day before Mother's Day, so the grocery store had a LOT of flowers.

Also should add -- when I say that trying to economize is hard because vendors don't feel any incentive to extend themselves, I'm not saying all vendors are terrible to non-blowout weddings. It reflects my experience. The $$ value of the flowers I was buying, for example, was literally below the limit that several very nice local florists would even bother with. When you don't have a wedding party, you don't have all those bouquets and boutonnieres, and the total is dramatically less. That's great, but for me, that meant my florist choices were also reduced. I share this because it was not something that you could learn in a magazine or website.

And I am not giving an inch on the chair delivery thing. It is not a delicate and highly skilled operation to load and unload 40 chairs out of a truck. I know, because I did it myself. It was literally triple the cost of the actual rental to get them from the rental place to the venue.

Congrats Lori!!! And thank you for all of the amazing advice!!

I've definitely heard from photographers before that you should have an appointed "wrangler" for those bigger family and group shots

I love your tip about how everything takes time, or money, or both No matter how much we all hope - there really aren't a ton of quick cheats with weddings. Sure you can save money and DIY something, but it will cost you a ton of time (and sometimes also money). The time or money realization is a great one!

I'm glad you had a beautiful day. I'm sorry if you felt that services weren't extending themselves to you. I had a very small wedding and I didn't want to break down a lot of decorations and things like that either, so I found a chapel that was beautiful without those things, and kept what I was bringing in very simple and limited to only what we could be handled easily.

I only rented the my chapel venue for few hours and the church made me feel as if I was as important and special as the Queen of England, and treated my wedding as if it was the royal wedding of the century.

I personally don't understand how some insist that a wedding isn't a proper wedding with no alcohol, but I do realize that when it comes to any event with alcohol some people really want certain drinks and get very upset when they don't have the option to purchase what they want vs just having to drink what the hosts wants to make available. Though I don't care for cash bars, I can understand making it available if it is so desired.

I agree with DAK every wedding is going to have it's hiccups, and the couple knows their guests better than anyone and knows what is acceptable to them and what they will enjoy.

I love the picture of you by the lake, you were a beautiful bride and look so happy!

Any more pictures? I'd love to see some

I've read this over several times and wanted to give a thoughtful post, especially because it is in part a bam. Looks like a beautiful day and the couple looked lovely!

Because of the bam aspect, I won't speak to paying for drinks.

I will say that tearing down a reception is a big job--and the reason why we used minimal decor and disposal/recyclable items. When I look at all the gorgeous photos of centerpieces and other items, the first thing I think of is who is going to pack all that stuff up?

The chair thing. "we ended up hauling the chairs ourselves, which was a bunch of work." Well, yeah. That is what you pay for--other peoples' work, equipment, etc.

It sounds like there were things you wanted but didn't want to necessarily pay for. That's how life works very often--do it yourself or pay someone.

Glad you joined the IDGAF club at the right moment! Hope there is an official bam soon