Wedding after secretly married for three years

Also as an aside since the insurance issue seems to be such an issue here. It was important enough to me to get married at our wedding that I did spend more money on health insurance and I do have a chronic health condition which requires constant treatment.

It is not my place to decide that is the right call for everyone but if cheaper insurance was a higher priority to me, I think it's important to recognize that choices come with pros and cons and one of the cons of that choice would be having a more private and less "expected" wedding/proposal. Because I'm not entitled to some huge party if I make a conscious choice to get married in a situation where I'm not having one.

As one of the gay people that you're so kindly using to prove your point, I still consider a marriage license a "real" marriage. Yes, 3 years ago we could have had a ceremony and said that we were married, but that's not good enough. Why did we fight for marriage equality for so long if that simple ceremony and saying some pretty vows is all that we needed? It's a slap in the face to hear people say that a court house wedding isn't real or that she hasn't truly been married for the last 3 years. Don't use marriage equality as your argument here because it gives you no ground to stand on. It's unfortunate that she had to get married for insurance benefits, but she still GOT MARRIED. This isn't going to be her "true wedding day." It's a celebration of the last three years of marriage that the couple has turned into a gift grabby party.

I used several examples but sure, choose to be offended...eye roll.

As I'm reading these replies by the way, completely separately a group of girls I'm in grad school with just started this conversation. I didn't start it. It happened because a girl in my class just did it (but she's lying horribly because she changed her name on one social media platform). General consensus is be honest about it and it's fine... everyone would still want to celebrate and shower you with love and gifts. But lie and that's shady.

Also... I HARDLY thing she is choosing to be offended. She literally COULD NOT get married and have the LEGAL benefits the rest of us take for granted until recently. That is a very real thing to be commenting on as part of her life experience.

Your other example was about getting married to get a green card. I'm not going to discuss that because I don't have experience with it and that means that it's not my place. Just as it's not your place to use marriage equality for your argument. Imagine being in love with your FH for years and years, but it's illegal for you to get married. Then you come to a wedding forum and people are arguing that a marriage certificate and/or a courthouse wedding doesn't equal a marriage. I understand that that's hard for you to imagine, and I'm glad. I'm happy that you will never have to experience that. This is called privilege. Don't use someone else's real life struggles to defend someone who is lying and deceiving their loved ones...eye roll.

You're correct, I do not get to decide what others find offensive nor did I suggest I do. If you read my post I CLEARLY do not agree that gay marriage wasn't a legal marriage until recently "Another example, in the backwards sadly recent past when gay people were not able to get married, they still had ceremonies professing their love and they then considered themselves married even if the state or country did not." but it is a factual example and as I said I used other examples as well.

To clarify, I am by no means saying a fraudulent marriage to gain health insurance is anything like my examples, well except the visa example, but I am not arguing if what the girl here did was morally right or not, I am simply giving a point of view, which I sympathize with, in which she is not some self centered girl trying to cheat people out of their money and time by having a big sham of a wedding. I don't look at marriage as a piece of paper but I surely do believe everyone has a right to that piece paper but that's a totally different conversation at hand (or at least in my point of view).

Caytlyn I am very sorry you were offended, I by no means meant any disrespect but you will see I also used myself as an example. We our having a friend marry us and if someone told me in X amount of years that it wasn't legal and we weren't legally married, I would still consider myself married. I am sorry the LGBT community had to struggle to legally get the right to that piece of paper and you're absolutely right that I am privileged that I haven't had to struggle for that right but I am sorry, I just do not see marriage as solely a piece of paper and I am entitled to that opinion without having it be offensive.

I would like to apologize for the eye roll comment. I said it because I thought it was really clear that I was not coming from a place of disrespect, never for one second thinking I would be offending anyone's personal struggle and it was not even the focus of my post. I've been surprised by people's posts in this topic and have found them to be a bit harsh and I guess through that you got my reaction, which wasn't fair. You are right, I have no clue what it feels like to not have that right and no eye roll is deserved nor was it mature.

Whether you agree that gay marriage wasn't a real marriage or not isn't the problem. The problem is that it WASN'T a "real" marriage in the sense that it wasn't a legal marriage that afforded the parties involved with the benefits allowed by law (ie. health insurance, tax breaks, medical rights). This isn't something you can agree with - it's fact. If simply professing love was "enough" then there would not have been the push for marriage equality.

As for the marriage for a green card. THIS is a fraudulent marriage. This is an ILLEGAL marriage. If these people are caught there are legal cosequences for both parties.

This is not the same as someone making a choice about how to best support their needs and getting married to provide for those needs. If someone decides to get married for the benefits of health insurance there is no government agency who will check in on them and interview their friends/family about their relationship and charge them if they are found to be not "in love enough".

These are not the same things.

Well that's your opinion and I have my opinion. I wouldn't be offended by my friend doing this nor would I think badly towards her. I have empathy for the girl in question and I am able to understand how she doesn't consider herself married and she now feels engaged. Anyway, I've said as much as I can on the topic and as I said earlier, it's definitely not something I imagine people would change their minds on- people in my camp of thought, people in your camp of thought and whatever other camp there may be.

I feel like I'm shouting into an abyss and I don't know why I'm getting so upset by this tonight.

If I say the sky is purple and that is my opinion so you cannot argue with me ... I'm still wrong. Because the color of the sky is not an opinion. It is blue. That is a fact.

This is the same thing. If you get married and your spouse backs out on debt owed and accrued since you've been married you cannot say "well it is my opinion that we are not married because we didn't get married for love" and be free and clear of any commitments you have to that debtor because legally you are factually married.

No, I am wrapped up with the vows not the romance. I am wrapped up with the intent. I see this as a fraudulent marriage, a "marriage of convenience" that served no purpose and was for no other reason than to provide health insurance. I see this as I would see a Green Card marriage. I am curious, if she married her friend and they were platonic roommates, dating other people, for health insurance, how would you look at their set up?

The difference in this set up is as I wrote above. They would not be investigated by the government as a standard part of their marriage and they would not found to be actually doing something illegal if they were found to be "not in love". In a green card marriage, each party in the marriage can be prosecuted if the investigation uncovers that this is a fraudulent marriage. Two people who get married ONLY for health insurance and continue to see other people on the side (also not the situation described in the original post - that couple was clearly in a relationship by the description) would not be investigated by a government agency. I don't agree with what those two people are doing, personally, because I think it is disrespectful to marriage but they could not be charged with violating the law.

So two friends can get married, live in different homes, have separate lives and share insurance and if they were caught there would be no repercussions? I don't ask this sarcastically, I am genuinely curious and find that surprising. If that was the case I feel so many people would be doing it because not everyone holds the sanity of marriage in high regard or at least would prefer health coverage over that sanctity. I clearly don't know the law in this regard but I at least imagine they could be sued by the company giving the insurance and the insurance company?