Wedding after secretly married for three years

I think this is an issue that people will either see one way or another and are not going to be convinced otherwise. Since I think it seems likely that I align with the brides view of marriage and purpose of a wedding, I am not going to try convince you to come around to her side but more help explain to you that for her she does not believe its a great big sham and that if you're a good friend you can still be happy for her and want to stand by her for the day because to her it's her true wedding day. Of course, I may be completely wrong about your friends views but just my overall sense of it with what you said.

I think of the marriage you talked about as logistical. To me a marriage is not a signed piece of paper. I understand I need a signed piece of paper to make the law recognize my marriage but I don't feel that is what makes me married. For example, we are having our friend marry us. If for some reason he was not ordained properly or something went wrong and we found out in 20 years that our marriage was not legal, I would in no ways not consider myself married for the last 20 years. I would have gotten married, in front of my friends and loved ones, where me and my partner proclaimed our love for each other. Another example, in the backwards sadly recent past when gay people were not able to get married, they still had ceremonies professing their love and they then considered themselves married even if the state or country did not. I still saw them as married. Another example, you can get a piece of paper saying you are "legally" married to get a Green Card but someone gets to interview you and decide if it's "real" or not- so by your posting, they would not have passed the test if the interviewer knew that information.

So for me, its not about a legal piece of paper it's about intent. You can disagree with this all you want and it doesn't need to be for you but the point is to understand your friend is not trying to pull a quick one on you or her guests and she most likely feels she is getting married for the first time. I think this is a case of think where her heart is and her intent. Not everyone sees the world in the same way you do. On Nov 3, I am getting married to the man I love and who I plan to spend the rest of my life with...its not due to a piece of paper, its due to the fact that we are saying "I do" to each other and the future.

Thank you!! I was starting to think I was crazy seeing everyone's responses, my jaw slightly dropped at the responses.

You eloped though with the intent of being married. These two made an agreement so she didn't have to go into potential financial ruin if something went wrong with her health. You can consider this fraud and thus immoral but you can't compare it to you eloping...chalk and cheese.

Actually, I think if you asked the government they would say its fraud and there would be some sort of penalty and if the insurance and company of the employed found out there could be legal action taken. Which leads into why she probably kept it secret because what she was doing is illegal. I say this with no judgement nor that I think any repercussions should happen to her but this does not sound like a legal real marriage to me.

I am not a lawyer and most of my experience of hearing about marriage in this sense is for visas and green cards, however, I imagine if you are entering into a "marriage of convenience" that served no purpose and was for NO other reason than to provide health insurance, that yes, that might be considered fraudulent.

It's an unpopular opinion on here, but I agree with this. It's unfortunate that our country's health system forces people to marry for insurance purposes, but it sounds to me that they don't really consider themselves married and she wants the "typical" experience a lot of other people have. I don't think it's right that they'd have to miss out on the traditional wedding because she needed health insurance. Also, let's be honest, not as many people would bother coming to a vow renewal or a celebration of marriage, that's just how it is. For whatever reason, people will move mountains to attend weddings, but not other parties.

If they want to keep their private life private, then a large party where they pretend to get married isn't doing that. They are reaping the benefits of a marriage (insurance, filing married on taxes) , while saying they aren't married. It minimizes the struggle of people who weren't allowed to ever get married before and they are acting like it's not real because they didn't get a party. Sometimes, adults have to be adults and make adult decisions, like getting married for insurance and they live with the consequences of those decisions. If it means you have a party later, you do that. You don't fake get engaged 2 years later to have a fake wedding ceremony and hope to get lots of new things.

She could say they are renewing their vows. If she is married three years and doing it again. I would not feel comfortable at all being in her wedding. Not honest. Just feels like she is doing it for gifts, her parents are paying, she got nothing to lose. You should politely explain how you feel and step down.

I haven't even read anything past this because I'm honestly so confused... How is her LEGAL MARRIAGE not a "TRUE" lifetime commitment to each other?? Legitimately. One of the main parts of getting married is the legal marriage. This wasn't an arrangement... this was a decision that two adults made to get married without the (ps not required) big romantic wedding and proposal. You NEED the legal portion to be married. You don't need a fancy proposal or a big expensive wedding to be married.

We almost got married for insurance because I was quitting my job to go back to school to better our future as a couple. We decided against it for two main reasons... we didn't want to be lying to anyone about what happened and if we were honest it felt like a waste ot have the wedding we were already planning. And two, I was able to find insurance in another way. IF we had done it, we would have been honest with EVERYONE - especially since we already had an officiant planned and it is important for them to be aware of our legal status as married or not married.

They got married for love and for health insurance. If they ONLY got married for health insurance that (in my humble opinion) is an abuse of the legal institution of marriage and is offensive to the taxpayers paying for that military insurance (which I've had as a military dependent btw) and to people who until recently couldn't get married - even if it was JUST for insurance.

The poster here has legitimate feelings about this. My friend was a bridesmaid in an expensive and ridiculous Disney wedding where the bride was overly demanding and negative... and this couple had been married for 10 years and lied to their family which is why they were now having their "wedding". This is rude. That is just the fact. I just... ugh...