Wedding after secretly married for three years

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm actually SO SO SO glad that you decided to post about it here. Constantly, at least once a week or so, someone comes to WW discussing their decision to secretly get married before the wedding. They are almost always told that it is hurtful to their loved ones. It's great to have your point of view here.

I completely understand how it's bothersome to witness what she's doing. I personally wouldn't want to be the one to "out" her to everyone else, and it doesn't seem like that's what you want to do either. I would have a heart to heart with her and let her know that you're really happy to celebrate her marriage, but it's only right for her to be honest with the rest of her guests. Most friends and family would be glad to celebrate with them, if only they know the truth up front. It will likely come out eventually and there will be a lot of their closest friends and family members that will feel deceived and hurt. Once you've given her your point of view, it's up to her and her husband to make the right decision. I absolutely wouldn't want to be a part of the show that they're putting on and I don't think that she should blame you for that, but it doesn't seem that she's truly all that worried about how others feel. Be prepared for this friendship to end if/when you tell her you no longer want to be a part of their "wedding."

My reaction is wow to you and @Mykel for your reaction to all of this. Your friend clearly got married as a technicality to get health insurance, not for love, not because they were ready and it basically was an arrangement. You can agree or disagree all you want to the sanctity of marriage and feel like she disrespected that sanctity but either way, she clearly did not feel married nor did she get a real proposal or wedding...she had a practicality discussion...oh so romantic. So now her and her partner have decided to make a TRUE lifetime commitment to each other and for her, it sounds like, she's getting married for the first time and she is incredibly excited about it. Maybe she didn't want to share it with you because she didn't want to make a big deal about a fake marriage and/or make her feel more married than she was or maybe because she knew you would judge her...who knows! Either way, I don't think any of this equals her never getting to have a day where she feels special...stand next to the man she loves and profess her love and lifetime commitment in front of their friends and family and nor do I think she needs to tell everyone or you tell everyone her secret and take away from her real wedding day all because the health care system in this country sucks (assuming this is US based) and if she got ill or hurt she could go into financial ruin. If I was in your friends position I may have done the same...from the insurance to planning a real wedding and as a friend, you should be supportive instead of judgmental and realize this is an exciting and special time for her and just because a paper was signed it does not mean she was emotionally married.

I would step down as a bridesmaid because I would not be party to deceiving everyone at the wedding. There's absolutely noting wrong with having an early wedding, particularly if one of you is in the military and perhaps being deployed or needing to add your FI to your insurance. The wrong part is lying about it. They can have a vow renewal and a reception without deceiving everyone close to them.

It isn't a "fake marriage." She signed a marriage certificate. She's married.

While I agree that our healthcare system is a monstrosity, she still chose to get married to solve her problem. The issue here isn't whether or not she's really married, it's that she is lying to people. Most people, if they knew the circumstances, would still happily attend the celebration. You can't get married if you're already married, unless you plan to get divorced somewhere in between. If you're not getting married, that means that you can't invite people to a wedding. Because you aren't having one. You CAN announce that you got married in a private ceremony in (insert month and year) and invite your friends and family to come celebrate your union. You can have the pretty white dress, the wedding party, the catering, and even the vows, but you can't have a wedding.

"She doesn't feel married" "She isn't emotionally married"... These are foolish. If you don't feel married after having a legal marriage ceremony, then you are confusing a party with a marriage. I eloped, I gave up the chance to have parties and showers. I didn't pretend I didn't elope so I could still have parties thrown for me. It's fine to have a celebration later, but to purposely lie and say you are not married when you are because you want more gifts is gross. People will still celebrate with you if you tell them the truth. If they find out you are lying, they may not. I'm going to have a baby, not tell anyone, and then pretend to be pregnant 3 years later to have a baby shower and not tell anyone the baby is already 3.

I'm really hoping all of the women who keep posting about secretly eloping and then having the ceremony without telling people the truth are reading this post. People do get upset over it. Clearly.

I don't get why people feel the need to lie about it. We got engaged on 12/2/17, 12/24/17 we booked our venue, early January we ordered and sent out invites for our 10/27/18 wedding and then eloped on 2/16/18. We told EVERYONE that we were legally married. Why did we do this? Same as your friend. Insurance. Some of the ladies here may think it's ridiculous to do it for insurance but heath care without it in America is insane and we make too much to get financial assistance had something happened to him. It was not ideal but his job has him as a contractor which does not come with benefits. Would we have preferred to not do it this way? Of course. But we were open and honest with everyone and they are all just as excited to come to our ceremony in Vegas in the fall. Apparently this is actually how it's done where his family is from. You have the ceremony with the state to legalize the marriage and then you have the wedding ceremony with the family at a later date. Everyone knows it's basically a vow renewal. We will not be having any showers or that sort of thing but we weren't going to have them anyways.

I get that your friend lied to you and you are upset about that but please try to realize that she did what she did for her own reasons. All you can do now is be her friend and support her and let her have the big day she missed out on because this country makes it ridiculous to get affordable health care.

I think everyone understands the insurance thing, it's the elaborate lies and excuse making that they don't get. No matter how many times people say how it makes people feel, someone thinks their situation is different and special and it's ok for them to lie because of it. You told everyone, that's fine. I had a friend who had to do the same. They had a ceremony and party later. Nobody cared, we knew why they got married beforehand.

She says right in her post, her friend doesn’t want anyone else other than OP to know........so yes they’re keeping it top secret. No one other than the parents and OP know..