Wedding after being married?

I don't take well to being lied to or deceived, especially by close friends and family members.

If you are going to do a fake wedding but you tell me about it, I probably won't go and I'd judge you for it but that's where it would end.

If I went out of obligation, at least I'd know what I was witnessing and that's where it would end.

If I am not told and I go and I find out later that it was fake, I will be mad and beyond hurt by the deception..I can't choose my family, but you probably would no longer be my friend.

It's not harsh, it's reality. I could replace that word with any number of words that people will take offense to but the wedding is the day you legally become man and wife. Anything after that is not a wedding day and shouldn't be called such.

There was a sacredness to the moment my husband and i became legally wed. That moment would have been just as sacred, sincere, meaningful, if it happened in front of a judge.

A redo will never be as significant as that moment we looked each other in the eyes and pledged our lives and fortunes to each other. My dress, the decorations, the food, none of it, made me any more married than i would have been at the courthouse.

@Starbuck: So is it considered "fake" because the legal obligation of marriage has already been fulfilled?

Edit: Nevermind! You responded before I posted.

I think I would want to know ahead of time if they had already been married because if I'm an out of town guest and not close, I honestly wouldn't make the effort to attend. I would probably feel that the person is just trying to get gifts by calling it a wedding. If they're a close friend and something big happened that they cannot have a traditional wedding before then, I would go.

I think in your situation you should state it's a vow renewal. But, I really don't think people will give it the same level of priority to attend as a wedding. Just being honest.

I foresee this thread getting shut down because that seems to happen when there is any dissent on a sensitive topic, but I hope it stays up long enough for OP to at least see the other side of the coin.

I'm not being mean or negative, I am sincerely offering a perspective that she may not have considered before that may not be what everyone things, but it is valid and it may be what some of her guests think.

I don't think anyone stated you were being "mean" or "negative", Starbuck. Diff'rnt strokes for diff'rnt folks.

I found this interesting article about the subject though. Perhaps OP can take a gander at what some perceive as rude:

http://madamenoire.com/245723/trying-to-have-your-wedding-cake-and-eat-it-too-there-is-no-such-thing-as-getting-married-now-and-throwing-a-wedding-later/

ps: ARGH @ WW comment multiplier!

If she calls it a vow renewal, it's not fake, it's a different event.

I tend to agree with Starbuck. You and your fiancé made the decision to get married privately - congratulations! I am sure you and your parents are so excited for the next few weeks anticipating that day.

That is the day you will be married, so that is your wedding day. And it will be amazing!!

That decision to get married quickly came with benefits - medical coverage! - and negatives as it sounds like you might have wanted to wait to have the big wedding.

I just don't think it's appropriate to not consider your private ceremony a "real" wedding when there are so many people who can't even do that.

My vote would be to have an AWESOME party next year to celebrate your marriage, but skip the fake ceremony.

@samantha renee, because it appears to be a gift grab. You just want to have a big to-do so I will buy you a gift. When you lie to someone to get them to buy you something its not just rude by manipulative and extremely hurtful.

A wedding is a ceremony where someone gets married.

We got married 11/1/08 and we are having a vow renewal 8/17/13. I was pregnant with our daughter so we did a small ceremony didn't even walk down the alse and now we are doing every big. What girl doesn't want her dream wedding? I'm still in love and super excited to renew my vows. Happy planing your big day!

It's offensive to have a redo or fake wedding. Starbucks is so right on this one. What about all the people who can't legally get married? Or those who choose the courthouse? You're basically telling them their wedding or marriage doesn't count or wasn't good enough. You either get married now, wait an have the larger wedding, or do a vow renewal later. No wedding party or big poufy dress. As an adult you realize there are consequences to every choice. You need to decide what is more important: insurance now or a large wedding later.

@samantha renee, then why would you lie to someone. You totally missed my point. If you weren't doing something shady by keeping your marriage a secret, then why lie. That is what I was getting at. I don't know you or OP or anyone else who has commented on this thread personally, all I have to base my posts on is the information provided which stated they were getting married in 2 weeks but having the big ceremony in October. And they weren't telling anyone. That is wrong on so many levels but I guess with the increase of rudeness and entitlement in our society these days, this doesn't surprise me anymore.

My husband and I did this...he was stationed in TX (we are from CT) so we did our legal marriage down there with his officer and sgt as witnesses (my profile pic is of our wedding) We are planning our "second wedding" for our 2 year anniversary.

However, technically its not a wedding, it's a renewal, and that's what we call it when people/vendors ask. We are wording our STDs as "I Do Part Two" and the invites say "please join us as we reaffirm our vows and celebrate our marriage"

Other than the wording, it's pretty much the same as a traditional wedding...white dress, church, reception, cake...every girl needs her fairytale wedding, right??

Let me also just say, because we did it this way, i also missed out on a lot of things! There was no shower or registry for the wedding and we aren't doing one for the renewal (kinda rubs ppl the wrong way when you do...even if it's not your intentions, people may feel like its a gift grab)

AND...don't lie. we lied to family and friends and hurt a lot of feelings and it kinda put a damper on our first few months as a husband and wife. that's one of the things we both regret..

Thank you for sharing that Abby. I think you're doing the renewal tastefully.

I completely agree with Samantha renee. I personally wouldn't care what the title of the celebration is, just invite people who love you both. They'll be happy to celebrate with you no matter what it's called. In an effort to be diplomatic (and because people seem to caught up in a freakin title) might i suggest you word it like "so and so invite you to join them in the celebration of their marriage". That way you don't have to hide the fact you are married and aren't inviting people to a fake wedding that they will supposedly be offended about.

@Abby, I love the I do part two!. We are thinking of putting a celebration of the marriage of... we did tell everyone we eloped and everyone is just as excited for the big wedding. Many people even said, "wait but youre still having the big one right?" Maybe it's cause our families aren't too traditional or etiquette driven, but if people genuinely care, then they genuinely understand and want to share in your happiness with you.

I marry a lot of couples, and some of them I marry twice; once in private, for a lot of different reasons, and once in public. A wedding celebration is just that; a celebration of a union, witnesses by your community of friends and family.

Word the invites exactly as you would, repeat your vows and consider this date your wedding. F#$^@^@*%#k everyone else.

That being said, I always tell my couples to tell their parents. Those are people you don't want to leave out.

I think the wording in your invites is perfect!