Wanting different things....

It is hard to be away from family for most people. Are there any jobs like yours in the area he wants to move back to?

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Technically there is. But I have built a community with my current coworkers. And the school I teach for is very unique. I used to teach in a traditional school and I was miserable and thought I had chosen the wrong career path. I was never able to keep up with it. At my current school I can easily. He was also just starting a business with his brother in the city, until his brother abandoned ship and moved back.

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That is a though situation. I think you are going to have to decide if your job or your husband is more important to you. I sounds like he has made his mind up that his family comes first.

That is terribly sad he is one-sided... long distance is an option. My fiancée and I did that because we agreed to never hinder either ones dreams or goals; so he lived in Europe to accomplish his job and came back and I completed a degree elsewhere. It’s about compromise and he doesn’t seem very open to comprise.

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Which is completely out of character for him! I promise I wouldn't have spent 6 years with him if he were like this always. The brother that ditched him on their own business endeavor, has a wife and 3 kids and he had no conversation with his wife. He literally just decided and told her how it was gonna be. That upset my fiancé but now he is just doing the same thing. And I just don't know how we're gonna make living work long distance... we can't buy a house like this. Am I supposed to continue renting alone?

I’m really sorry but his attitude of going “with or without you” tells you exactly where you stand. He isn’t seeing your relationship the way you are seeing it. It’s time for a true heart to heart. If what you need from your relationship isn’t important to him then it never will be. Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but as Kimberly has stated, this truly requires a heart to heart. While right now neither of you are wanting to call it quits (after all you've both invested 6+ years into this), but at the end of the day, you BOTH have to be on the same page of where you want to be. Sometime, love just isn't enough, you want it to be and it makes sense that it should be, but sometimes it just isn't.

Are you IN-LOVE with him and he with you. Note I said IN-LOVE not just Love, because there is a very distinct difference between the two. You love someone with all your heart and want to be with them and happy and content in everything you do or Madly, passionately so in love that it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're together kind of love. Think about it, ask him the same. You don't want to enter a marriage with thoughts of divorce or separation it isn't right.

Now, I'm not saying long-distance doesn't work but it require true commitment from both parties and there is a lot of heartache, tears and love that goes into it as well. Isn't not impossible, but it definitely takes special people to make it work. If you're looking to start a family in the near future, that's something you need to consider as well.

At the end of the day, you two HAVE to be on the same page, same or at least very similar goals and if you're not, you're setting yourselves up for failure. I'm thinking of you, sending prayers and hugs along with lots of positive vibes.

Good luck.

View Quoted Comment I agree with a lot of this. I also wanted to add that long distance can work if there's a greater purpose, like finishing up a degree and then rejoining the SO. If it's just long distance with no clear end date until someone essentially "folds" that isn't really a strong set up for coping with the separation. Big life decisions need to be made by both parties, together. If he's deadset on moving and doesn't care if you come with him or not and puts his family above you, those are causes for concern that need to be addressed. You can love your family and be incredibly close and value their opinions, but a couple is supposed to be a team. It sounds like he is more interested in the partnership between himself and his siblings/parents than he is with the one he has built with you. As another poster also said, loving someone isn't always enough. If you two can't align on your goals for the future, then maybe exploring couple's counseling to see if that can help get you to that point. A marriage is about 2 people building a life together. If the lives you want to build aren't compatible, that is a lot of food for thought.

View Quoted Comment Oh my gosh, I wish you guys the best and figure things out if meant to be ❤️

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I just can't believe how hard this is. If someone told me a year ago today that my life would be here, I wouldn't have believed them. And here's something else. In 2018 he decided to finish his degree in another state. I was at my current school, left my teaching position to support his goals in earning a degree (that actually fell through anyway, no judgement. School is not for everyone and that is ok) and I was fortunate enough for a position to open up at the same school a year later. So I took it, of course. His hometown has a population of 150 people. But he would have his family. I wouldn't. He would have his dream job. I wouldn't have mine. I don't have friends in his hometown. I've just started my second year in teaching and I'm just getting started. A few weeks ago he suggested staying in the city together for 10 years and then moving to his hometown. But that offer no longer stands, sadly.

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Thank you, I just feel like I have two halves to my life. My partner, and my career. And it's a hopeless, empty feeling to know that I'm going to lose one, no matter what. It'd be one thing if I was unhappy in my job, but I'm not. It would be one thing if his hometown was a bit bigger and held more opportunity, but that's not the case.

View Quoted Comment I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be. But it also sounds like there's a pattern of him choosing something and you giving up everything to support him. It's a two-way street. I personally would never make a life altering decision without consulting my husband, and he is the same. I am currently in grad school, and further along in my training, it is likely that I may have to move for my predoctoral internship and maybe even postdoctoral fellowship. My husband is ok with moving from where we live now (where both of our families are), and I intend to include him in the decision of what cities/states I apply to internships in to make sure that wherever I match to, he is happy and can find a job within his field or be able to transfer (he works for a national corporation). Since I know this is a big ask, I am taking every opportunity to make sure that his needs and wishes are met in this potential move. It sounds like your fiance has kind of said "I'm doing this. Let me know what you wanna do." That's the part that is most worrisome. I am deadset on getting my doctorate and my dream career, but not at the expense of my relationship with my husband.

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I feel for you Lauryn, you're in a tough spot. But without talking to him directly or couples counseling (as someone else noted) you can't just choose, unless there is already a part of you that has left or feel the same in other direction. Career and Love are two very different areas and at the end of the day, which one is more important?

Is this by chance a high school relationship? I ask because it sounds like y'all are just starting to figure out what you want in life, and often those goals aren't aligned.

I'm really put off by his comment about moving "with or without you"...those aren't the words of someone who is a true partner. What about what you want in life? Is there any flexibility for that?

Don't do a long distance marriage. It won't work, at least not under these circumstances.

It was completely out of the blue. When I told my dad about it all he told me not to panic right away because this is very out of character for him. There's a lot of wishy washy comments that come from him that keep me running in circles, confused. One day he told me, "I think long distance is going to be best" then two days later he said "I cannot fathom living apart from you. WE will figure this out" or "You are number one to me" then a day or so later "It is a necessity that I take care of and give back to my dad. Your job is just a desire" and "I don't want to pull you away from your dream job, again" back to "I am moving back sooner rather than later" and he's also said "I want to make you happy but I don't know how" I don't know either... the things we want career wise simply cannot coexist together at the same time and I am so broken

View Quoted Comment I would get into couples therapy ASAP. Especially since he is saying he is moving soon. He has made his decision but he needs to understand how this effects you and your relationship. I do think couples therapy is the only way for him to truly hear you.

This sounds so stressful and frustrating. Honestly I would feel some type of way if my FH said hes going with or without me. Because relationship and marriage is about compromising. If you leave behind your job and friends etc to go follow him then you would end up resenting him later on. And if you stay, then you go long distance and potentially split, because each of you is happy where you will be living then the other wont move. I wouldn't want to feel invisible around someone family either. Maybe sit down and talk to him and go over what you both want n how it will affect your future

This matter has been an ongoing conversation for about a month now. Our rental lease ends in June... so that's when we'll have to have some kind of decision by...

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Lauryn, you are certainly in a very tough spot. He doesn't really seem to know exactly what he wants. He likely feels a real pull from his family to get back home and be a part of their business at the same time feeling conflicted as he has put 6 years into a relationship with you. As some others have suggested, couples counseling may prove to be a good idea. It can be helpful to have a neutral party hear what both of you have to say and help you clarify what the next steps should be in your relationship. Unfortunately the fact that he is willing to move with or without you shows that he doesn't prioritize you or your relationship. He also prioritizes his family over you. From my own experience, if this is how he behaves now, it is highly unlikely that he will change and it will become an issue in your relationship. The bottom line is that a relationship involves two people who work together to achieve both of their dreams and goals. It is never "perfect", but there has to be some give and take from both people. It seems as though he expects you to give up all of yours for him to have his. You sound as though you've gotten in to a groove with your career and if you give it up for him, you'll likely end up resenting him in the long run. If he refuses to compromise in any way, shape, or form, I think you'll know what you should do. I fully understand that the thought of walking away from a relationship after 6 years is daunting, but it will be far worse getting a divorce down the line. Wishing you the best of luck!

This sounds like a big red flag to me. I understand you love eachother dearly, but it takes a whole lot more than love to make a marriage work, and it takes wanting to build a life together and being willing to put forth real and difficult effort to do that. He’s failing big time here — this isn’t husbandly behavior, and it’s alarmingly self centered. I agree with the PP speaking about long distance without an end game — where does that leave you? It seems like his hope for long distance here is just that eventually you give up your position and give up everything to be with him..not cool. If not that, it’s important to be very real with yourself about where a long distance relationship leads.


In a healthy marriage it’s really important that every big life decision needs to be decided on together, as those decisions affect both of you and your lives together. So, for anything to work this needs to be hashed out together, and you need to stand up for yourself . If it is so out of character for him , it seems essential to get to the bottom of why . Why is he doing this and why is it SO important to him that he would disregard your feelings completely ? There are plenty of answers to that that *dont* make this okay , but I do think it’s important to understand what is going on here. In that, you may find the hard line. If you feel you’re second to his family, that is unlikely to change, and may be your bottom lone. If there’s some deep personal reason why this is SO important to him you may be able to work out a future plan that works for both of you IF you are also able to establish healthy communication on decision making (even if you can work through this, you need to address how this decision making was handled slot make sure everyone gets a say in the future !) .
To be absolutely fair, there are plenty of “compromises” in marriage that are one sided, one person giving up something for the sake of the other. There really ISNT always a win-win , so it’s important not to get bogged out trying to find that when it may not exist (sometimes the only real win for one is making the other person happy!). BUT, no matter what, it’s still vital to arrive at that place together.