Very upset and not sure how to to handle this situation

It sounds to me that OP didn't want any large celebrations at all, which is within her rights. Why did FMIL want to keep this a secret? I'm guessing cuz she knew that and did it anyway.

WWJo - it doesn't specifically say surprise party. I only call it one because FI and I had no idea

Also, I have no idea who is invited. I just asked my best friend/MOH and she has not (yet?) received an invitation. She also had no idea it was happening

Totally am agreeing with @wed1819 - Don't let this put a wedge between you and FMIL. This will NOT outshine your wedding.

I don't want to sound ungrateful but I do not feel as if we've received a gift at all.

I agree with WED. This will not ruin your wedding plans. Your wedding will still be very special.

I don't think this will reflect poorly on you or FI. Especially since you aren't even supposed to know about the party. I think any one that sees it as rude or gift grabby will have those feelings towards FMIL, not you.

I would personally just let her throw the party. It's obviously important to her. And, after wedding receptions are common for DWs. I don't think they are usually limited to the wedding guest list. I would look at this as the same thimg, just before the wedding.

So many of you are saying they should just STFU and let FMIL after her pre-wedding party even though it's totally against etiquette and clearly not something that OP and her FI want.

Here's the thing: if they let her get away with this it sets a very, very bad precedent for things in the future. OP, don't let her steam roll you like this. Stand your ground.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Let FH take care of it.

Something that runs against etiquette doesn't suddenly become okay just because guests don't necessarily blame you for it. If your in-laws were paying for your wedding 100% but demanded that it be a dry wedding, from many guests' perspectives you still haven't hosted properly even though you're not technically the host. I think you have a duty to step up and do something for the sake of guests that are after all, attending for you and FI's sake. Since the whole thing is already tacky as shit, maybe go with FI's suggestion and strongly request that people don't bring gifts?

Malice.............I don't think you can make that kind of prediction. A wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime (hopefully) event and it's obvious from every post on this site that something about it is important to everyone involved. It's not likely that fmil will be willing to put out the big bucks etc on anything else that may come up in the future. You do realize how GUILTY she feels about providing your fsil with such a grand wedding and that you guys aren't getting anywhere near that, don't you? Trying to keep the books somewhat even is important to a lot of parents.

I agree with the posters who are saying this isn't a hill to die on. The invites are already out......this party is happening, period. It looks like she's just including their family and friends, I'm sure it's spread far and wide that you are having a destination wedding and NO one expects to be invited to those. If they choose to bring a gift it's because they WANT to. Gifts are never an obligation. Whether you feel like this party is a gift or not doesn't make any difference. The party is happening.......and if you embarrass her or his family, you will not live it down. Are you going to be a classy guest of honor or are you going to be a whiny ninny? If you do choose to be anything but a classy guest of honor be prepared for the consequences.

This just screams of manipulation to me. I suspect she's not doing this to be kind but to get the party she initially wanted for her son. It seems like there are a lot of excuses being made for FMIL but it sounds like OP and her FH made it abundantly clear that this is not the type of celebration they wanted. I think you both need to have a conversation with her. Allowing bad behavior from her now will set a precedent later.

It doesn't matter how her FMIL feels, she doesn't get to force a couple to have any wedding or pre/post wedding celebration that they don't want without running it past them first. Any person who was truly interested in giving would consider the recipients' wishes and preferences. Doesn't sound like OP or her FI wanted a big do over getting married but hey, who cares what they want right?

It seems like she is trying to help but is pushing her wants and beliefs on you and your FH. She might be thinking she is doing the right thing. It sounds like something my FMIL would do. I would talk to her and see what her true itentions are. And if it really bothers you that much then just don't go. It might seem rude but you didn't plan it and if it isn't what you then choose not to go.

Your FH should definitely shut it down right now. The fact that she is planning this party that she knows you didn't want (hence your DW) screams of manipulation and a childish attitude. If you allow her to do this, it could give her the green light to go against wishes/decisions of yours in the future.

Any hurt feelings she has because you guys chose to have the wedding that you want (seriously, who are these parents that act like babies because they don't get what they want?) are her feelings to deal with. Yes, this definitely could put a strain on your relationship, but coming from the experience of having a manipulative MIL, you can't just go along with this as though it's ok.

I mean you *could* plan an out of town trip for the weekend that she's throwing the party, and talk about it in front of her. If she throws a fit you can play dumb until she confesses what she's done. And then stand your ground that it isn't what you wanted.

Of course that's the petty side of me. The little adult voice says to just be straightforward and honest with her. Your FI should tell her that you guys found out about it, and that you're concerned about 2 things: it's poor etiquette - you can't invite people to pre wedding activities that you're not inviting to the wedding, and that you guys do. Not. Want. A large party.

Side note: why is she throwing 70k weddings while your FH has student loan debt? Um, priorities.

@MAWM, I'm going to get in trouble for this I'm sure but the thought that immediately popped into my head when I read your question about who are these parents was: BABY BOOMERS - who else lol

Exactly what Jacks said, your FMIL made it a surprise on purpose. This is how my FMIL is. Does things without telling us so we have no choice in the matter. Undermining the fact that you guys wanted to keep it all small and private. But she obviously had to have something her way, so she threw this giant party.

I would sit down with her and your FH and really have a conversation for her. I think the worst thing to do is to allow her to throw this party, have 100 people take time out of their day to show up and you and FH don't show up. I'd be pissed. The guest don't deserve that.

Keep in mind that a lot of people here would love it if someone threw them a big wedding party and they didn't have to spend any $$$ and got free presents while being freed from etiquette. That's probably what your FMIL thinks too - I don't think she is being manipulative or overbearing per se but some people feel very strongly about a certain type of way to have a wedding and can't dream of having it any other way and still be happy. But as a proponent of small weddings myself, I totally get not wanting to make a big thing out of it. Not everyone wants the same thing, the point is that it's your wedding, your decision

ETA: Agree with the poster above, even if it completely sucks don't do a no-show. Whatever FMIL does you should respect guests gathering in your honor even if it means attending a party you don't want. What you don't have to do is shut up and be grateful

She is paying for it, so it's not coming our of your budget. It's very common for people to have a "local reception" before or after a destination wedding. I think out of respect for your MIL, you should attend the party.

Are people ignoring the fact that OP's FMIL planned a large party without telling the guests of honor, which includes a guest list that neither OP or her FH have any idea who is on it, after she cried when she was told that the couple wouldn't be having the wedding that SHE wanted them to have? Like she went so far as to book a venue, get nice invitations and send them out, and I'm sure interact with other vendors - and all of this happened without the couple's knowledge?

It doesn't matter if she's paying for this lavish party - she went behind their back and planned it knowing that they didn't want to have that type of wedding. Setting aside the etiquette around at home receptions for a destination wedding, that's just not ok, whether her intentions were innocent (which I just don't believe) or not.